Does your child play with dolls and make friends with girls? Having matured, does he carefully take care of himself, and not of his classmates? Does the girl beat up the neighborhood boys and show no interest in fashionable outfits? It’s worth thinking about, although such “non-standard” behavior may not mean anything, but may be a sign of non-traditional sexual orientation.
Scientists cannot determine exactly why some boys fall in love with girls and others with boys. Some people believe that gays and lesbians are born. Others say that they become them under the influence of the environment in which the child grew up. In any case, tendencies are formed and begin to manifest themselves in early childhood, long before the first sexual experience. If parents notice that a child is inclined to be gay, then it is hardly worth trying to change anything, because in most cases it is useless. It has been scientifically proven that it is impossible to cure or re-educate a homosexual.
A teenager who has begun to realize that he is not like everyone else is often tormented by remorse and fear of his parents, friends, classmates or fellow students: “What will happen if they find out? Most likely, friends will turn away, and parents will raise hell.” He feels lonely already at 15-16 years old. At this age, boys begin to be interested in girls, and girls pay attention to boys and learn to flirt with them. This is where problems arise. Conversations in the group begin to revolve around the opposite sex, and suddenly the teenager discovers that he doesn’t give a damn about which of the girls has longer legs, and doesn’t give a damn about girls in general.
In boys during adolescence, aggressiveness increases; in their environment, rudeness is often considered a manifestation of masculinity and strength. Friends begin to laugh at the teenager’s feminine manners, gentleness and habit of being offended all the time, like a girl. Well, what can he do if he absolutely does not know how to be rude, if he is disgusted by listening to greasy jokes and he believes that any conflict can be resolved without a fight? The first complexes appear. The situation can become even more complicated when the teenager suddenly feels attracted to one of his friends.
But then the final realization of his homosexuality comes... And the child also faces the problem of how his parents will react to this. Often neither a boy nor a girl dares to talk about it openly, although they urgently need the support of loved ones. Parents notice that not everything is going well with the child, they get nervous, and suggest many reasons - from unhappy love to drugs.
The first signs of homosexuality: what should alert parents
If a boy in early childhood prefers dolls to cars or a girl chases a soccer ball instead of cooking toy soup, this does not mean that there is something wrong with the child. It is quite possible that a hooligan girl will grow into an active business lady managing a large corporation. A boy can become an excellent family man. He will help his wife prepare dinner and take the children to school every day. If a boy does not get calls from girls, it is quite possible that he is just shy and finds it difficult to make friends with them.
You should be wary if a teenager communicates with girls only as friends. Listen to him talking to a classmate on the phone. Does your son spend hours chatting with his prospective girlfriend about outfits, perfumes, discussing fashion shows and the latest gossip from the lives of stars? It's worth thinking about. Firstly, gays take much more care of their appearance and among them there are much more people interested in art, fashion, and creativity than among ordinary people. Secondly, their relationships with women range from absolute indifference to tender friendship - the similarity of psychological types and common interests affect them. If a girl arouses sexual interest in a boy, then he will try to present himself from the best side, to show his merits.
At a house party, quietly observe whether your son reacts to a pretty classmate - whether he flirts with her, cares for her, or remains indifferent and behaves as usual. If he hangs out in the company of unfamiliar boys or men, blushes or lowers his eyes when a man shakes his hand, and communicates with girls more freely, in a friendly way, but does not show sexual interest in any of them, then it is quite possible that he is interested in people of his own floor.
Very often homosexual teenagers are betrayed by their appearance and behavior. If you caught your son in the bathroom covering a black eye with your powder, that’s one thing. If he applies it all over his face, then blow-dries his hair, puts on a breathtaking outfit, perfumes himself, thoroughly cleans his shoes and then goes to the theater with a friend, that’s something else...
Observe how your son behaves in the company of friends (at home he may try to hide it). The so-called blue intonations - softness and mannerism of speech, drawn out vowels, smoothness and flirtatiousness of movements, unusual for most men - all this is characteristic of gays.
Homosexual child: rules of conduct for parents
However, when parents suspect that their child is homosexual, they should not ask direct questions - it is possible that he himself has not yet figured out exactly who he is more attracted to - his own or the opposite sex.
But the parents realized that the child’s problems were related to his non-traditional orientation... Or maybe the child himself told about it. How to behave in this case?
First you have to go through the stage of shock. Sometimes parents experience a feeling of losing their son or daughter, almost as if he had died. “I never had a gay son,” says the father. Scandals begin, the mother falls into hysterics or into a state of trance. At this point, remember that such a reaction is just a result of the traditions of our society. If people like your child are condemned in society, this does not mean that he is really doing something bad. After all, he is not a drug addict, a rapist or a murderer. He’s just not like everyone else, but that’s not his fault and you can live with it. Because of this orientation, he has many problems among strangers. If his loved ones also poison his life... Therefore, first, try reading literature about homosexuals, collect as much information as possible - perhaps then the situation will not seem so terrible to you.
Some parents may initially not react at all to the child’s confession: “I don’t want to hear anything, this topic is closed.” This behavior is associated with the desire to isolate yourself from troubles, but this is not a way out of the situation. Turning a blind eye to a problem does not mean solving it. Most parents begin to feel guilty, wondering what they did wrong, where did they make a mistake in their upbringing? The father of the “blue” son suffers especially. “Was I a role model for him?” - he asks himself again and again. In fact, it is not the parents' fault that their child is homosexual. It has been proven that upbringing does not affect sexual orientation. If a boy had a domineering, tough mother who raised him alone, this does not mean at all that he will be “gay.” Sexual orientation is also not inherited. In families where one of the parents became homosexual after the birth of a child, as a rule, the children are heterosexual.
In some cases, homosexuality becomes a reason to start “military actions.” Everything the child does is seen as a symptom of a problem. Parents cling to his clothes, manner of speaking, condemn his choice of friends, and so on. As long as there is confrontation, both parents and children lose. The child is left to look for support on the side. Sometimes the only solution is to leave home...
Accepting the child for who he is is perhaps the best way out. This is difficult and often requires a fairly long period of time, but only in this case will it be possible to maintain a full-fledged family, where there is mutual understanding and love between parents and children.
Based on materials from the article by Evgenia Negina “Tolya loves Kolya...”.
Magazines, online publications, and news tirelessly talk about the need to change society’s attitudes towards people with non-traditional sexual orientation.
At the same time, psychotherapy for homosexuality is presented as an attempt to break the human psyche. In fact, this is nothing more than propaganda of Western and our media and lobby. They claim that at the moment more than 10-17% of people in the world have signs of homosexual tendencies or are members of the homosexual community (the numbers vary greatly and the question of the objectivity of the research arises). But how many of them have primary or congenital characteristics?
A lot of research is being conducted on this matter, which roughly says the following: primary signs of congenital homosexual tendencies have no more than 0.5-1%. Billions of dollars have been spent searching for the so-called “gay gene”, but they have not been successful. It was discovered that even identical twins can experience different sexual inclinations.
Advertising of homosexuality affects both adults and especially teenage children How to change public opinion? It's fashionable to be special!
Many politicians, advertising specialists, and mass media are well acquainted with the works of the American political scientist Joseph Overton. He described a technology that can be used to introduce any social norms into society, including those of a destructive nature.
The so-called “Overton Window” was successfully used to popularize feminism, homosexuality, and pedophilia in our country in the mid-90s. The technology includes 5 stages.
- Announcement of such a phenomenon as requiring public attention. First, people are convinced that this is a courageous act (telling personal stories) that they will be proud of in the future (a new victory for a free society).
The very phenomenon of homosexuality becomes a revelation for many. It awakens interest and a desire to learn more. People are surprised to discover that many famous people are representatives of sexual minorities; they consider them brave and strive to imitate them. Vivid examples are Freddie Mercury, Elton John, about whom the media talk a lot. - The next step is to allow for choice and discussion. Even more attention to the topic through the media and scientific communities. By the way, the problem is being renamed, softer terms are being selected that are not so unambiguous.
Explain that there is nothing wrong if you try - you can always refuse it later. Repeating the experience of an idol or just a friend is a great temptation. It is difficult for a teenager to resist natural curiosity and he agrees to try. Samantha Fox, Amber Heard, Jim Parsons, and Andrew Scott admitted to having relationships with same-sex partners as teenagers. - Then they are taught to perceive as the norm - “there is nothing wrong with this”, “others do this”. The first sexual experience with a same-sex partner causes conflicting feelings. But all doubts are suppressed by more experienced partners, as well as frank interviews and statements of celebrities. This is how Jodie Foster told the world about her gay orientation at the prestigious award ceremony. If a star of this level is happy with his preferences, then they will make others happy.
- Naturally, the next step is to give the action an element of popularity. Declaring your preferences is a bold step that makes others look with admiration. Celebrities take advantage of this. to attract more attention from fans. In fact, it is very difficult to assert anything - whether their statements are true or not. For example, the famous Jim Parsons confirmed the words of one journalist that he has been in a same-sex relationship for more than 10 years. However, he denied rumors of an engagement and intention to marry his partner.
- The final stage is strengthening the destructive norm at the legislative level. Now you won’t surprise anyone with the registration of a same-sex marriage. Elton John officially married Renata Blauel, they are raising two adopted children together. Millions of people around the world follow their example. In Germany, in official documents, “mother” and “father” are replaced by “Parent 1” and “Parent 2”.
Results of the implementation of the new norm of relations:
The technology has proven itself well in the West and in our country. The ideas of feminism, sexual revolution, homosexuality, and pedophilia were introduced in a similar way. At the moment, the introduction of the ideas of homosexuality in our country is at the fourth stage, pedophilia - at the second, juvenile justice at the third.
Rainbow is a symbol of childhood, it evokes a feeling of joy and trust. Very similar colors became a tool in the hands of propaganda. Causes of homosexuality
It is a rare fact that homosexual identity is innate (due to chromosomal changes). Therefore, more often the reasons are psychological or socio-psychological in nature. Each case is always individual. Therefore, it is impossible to independently determine the cause of the manifestation. homosexual tendencies. The help of a psychologist-psychotherapist is way out of a difficult situation.
Around the age of five or six, all babies go through a stage of learning about their bodies. They then switch to studying those similar to themselves. At this time, you should not worry about urgently seeking help from a psychologist - very soon children discover their identity and switch their attention to the opposite sex, which arouses much more interest.
Another thing is adolescence. It is already difficult to control the flow of information to a child. There is an overlap of several factors. For example, a child who grew up in a single-parent family receives an inaccurate understanding of the relationship between a man and a woman. For example, a mother who raises her son alone, suppresses his will, seeks to subjugate and protect the “good boy” from the “bad girls” can unwittingly push him towards his first homosexual contact. Plus the desire to be special or not like everyone else. There are many possible origins of the problem. As a rule, several reasons must coincide and something serves as a “provocateur” for the start of unconscious experiments (psychological trauma, violence, the influence of a “cool” friend, less often pressure from the media, online communities).
Also among the main reasons are often identified:
- childhood psychological trauma
- “cold” or overprotective mother
- sexual and physical violence
- early teenage sexual experiences
- stressful situations
- parental pressure
- absence of father or mother in the family (hidden family dynamics)
- drugs, alcoholism, etc.
Alarming symptoms
It is not always possible to identify the symptoms of homosexuality at first glance. In most cases, they simply hide their inclinations and reveal them purely by chance. However, if you notice that your teenager is clearly aggressive towards people of the opposite sex, wears conspicuously sexual clothes or is completely asexual, often starts talking about same-sex relationships, and has corresponding idols - it is worth carefully observing this issue.
A teenager may have older “strange” friends, have access to “closed parties” (parties, meetings in clubs, registration) - these are difficult to identify points, you need to be careful and still have trust with the teenager.
The only clear symptom of homosexuality is uncontrollable sexual attraction to people of the same sex. But this often happens to older people. In adolescents, this can rather be called curiosity, an attempt to find out or compare which relationship he will like best. Quite often they become bisexual, feeling equally attracted to boys and girls. The media and the Internet community greatly influence a teenager, whose natural need is to be recognized by the group and to have the attention of others.
It is worth understanding that bisexuality correction and therapy for homosexuality is more successful the earlier the first signs are detected. It is not always possible for teenagers to talk openly with their parents and ask them to help them sort out their feelings. And it’s often difficult for parents themselves to notice the problem, because they don’t want to believe it – it’s too shocking.
Girls are teenagers and have a tendency towards same-sex relationships.
Parents closely monitor the behavior of their sons, often losing sight of their daughters. Nevertheless, their behavior deserves special attention. A girl who does not pay attention to boys, treats them aggressively, prefers exclusively “masculine” clothing styles, does not use cosmetics, is not interested in fashion, and does not recognize her “female body”. Help from a psychologist it is extremely necessary here, especially if the girl grew up without a father or has an example of difficult family relationships.
Homosexuality in a teenager
The best prevention is a happy childhood and a good loving family! It is important to instill in a child a correct perception of the relationship between a man and a woman, use “protective myths” and not begin sex education before the child is psychologically ready. Also, already in adolescence, it is necessary to explain the difference between homosexual and heterosexual relationships.
One of the main tasks of parents is to protect their child from the flow of propaganda of homosexuality, pornography, sexual themes and everything that can seriously traumatize the child’s psyche. On the other hand, you need to be ready to talk on all topics if the child asks.
Just remember, a parent is not a friend at all; details of the parent’s bedroom (sexual life) should be outside the scope of discussion. These topics can leave a strong imprint not only in adolescence, but also in adulthood.
Teenagers are very good at accepting facts that are confirmed on the Internet. Now, in addition to the active promotion of same-sex relationships and marriages, it is easy to find statistics according to which they do not last long. This happens because for the most part they are based on sexual interest, and not on strong emotional ties. Therefore, everything ends when passion and mutual attraction go away.
Trust and understanding
It’s good if there is a trusting relationship between the child and the parents, they can talk freely on any topic and count on complete understanding.
It is important NOT to shame or blame a teenager under any circumstances! It is trust and understanding that are the best helpers in a difficult situation.
It’s another matter if talking about sex in the house is taboo, parents cannot break themselves and have a frank conversation, or even worse, they begin to put pressure on the child, using all available methods to try to turn the situation around. Then a defensive reaction is triggered - the teenager does everything out of spite, including entering into homosexual relationships.
To understand yourself
Attempts to completely hide your sexual preferences, as well as a strong desire to flaunt them, are not the norm. In both cases, sooner or later serious problems with self-esteem and relationships in general develop. Experienced homosexuals of both sexes are quite often diagnosed with borderline states, nervous disorders, chronic depression, drug addiction, etc.
Also, sad statistics show that the incidence of AIDS among homosexuals is 50 times higher than among people with a traditional orientation. Frequent changes of partners lead to infection with other sexually transmitted diseases, for example, hepatitis C.
This is why it is so important to understand yourself. It is very difficult for a teenager, and even an adult, to do this on their own, understanding all the influencing factors, some of which are outside the zone of awareness (blind spots). The pressure of the environment, especially if among his friends there are already homosexuals or ardent opponents, propaganda in various media does not allow him to understand exactly: is this his own desire or an imposed one?
It should be clearly understood that attraction to people of the same sex is often a defensive reaction of the psyche after psychological trauma. Perhaps we are talking about psychological “stuckness” at an early age, a lack of love and acceptance of oneself at a deep level, which, of course, also comes from childhood.
From an analytical point of view, hypertrophied masculinity or femininity, which underlies certain preferences, has its origins in early mother-child, father-child relationships. It makes sense to write about this in a separate article.
Recipe for success
Competent psychotherapy will help you “look into the face” of your homo (hetero) identity, determine the true underlying reasons for what doesn’t suit you, and learn to build meaningful relationships and emotional connections.
A lot of experience has already been accumulated in successful psychotherapy of homosexual tendencies (secondary homosexuality) - a large number of adults who applied lead full-fledged heterosexual lives.
Teenagers gain inner well-being and self-understanding, and become resistant to external provocations.
We do not treat homosexuality - it is not a disease. We offer the opportunity to distinguish: internal desires from external onesmanipulations, true from the consequences of psychological trauma.
Please note that deep psychological work on “getting to know” yourself in the present takes place in the process of individual consultations with a teenager. This is a search for the intersection at which a person turned onto a “false” street that led to a dead end.
At the same time, psychological work with parents (separately with father and mother), searching for and working through the family-tribal causes of the current situation is also of great importance.
Each person is unique, as is his path on this earth. Let's find YOUR path together, filled with meaning and feelings.
If a person, regardless of his gender and age, clearly understands that he needs help, this is already half the success of therapy. You should not hope that a couple of visits will easily resolve the issue - this is a long process. Its result will be peace of mind, self-acceptance and the opportunity to live your unique life, regardless of the type of sexual preference.
Gavrilyuk Konstantin
Consultation with a psychologist for adults and adolescents
Consultations for parents of teenagers
This article cannot be interpreted as propaganda or counter-propaganda of any types of relationships or sexual preferences. This is a personal opinion calling for the protection of minor children from traumatic experiences and information.
I have not had a single training on sexual literacy where the topic of homosexuality was not raised. Both adults and teenagers have many fears and strong emotional experiences in this topic. Parents ask what can be done to make sure their children grow up heterosexual, how to protect them from experimenting with members of the same sex, and whether there are any signs of homosexual orientation at an early age. Teenagers are interested in whether this is normal, what are the reasons for the emergence of same-sex sympathy, whether it is possible to recover from this and what to do if you suddenly realized that your sexuality does not meet the expectations of family, friends and society... To sort out these questions, I turned to psychologist Marina Didenko, who has been working with LGBT* teenagers and their parents for several years, conducts tolerance training, and advises representatives of the LGBT community.
*LGBT is an acronym for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people.
— Marina, your topic is difficult and controversial (but, of course, very important). How did you get involved? Is there a backstory?
— Now it’s difficult to say what exactly served as the first lever. I studied for a long time, but could not start working in my profession. My friend worked as a psychologist in an LGBT organization, and I became interested. I asked to come visit for some holiday, met the guys and started volunteering. Two years later, they launched a new project, “Friendly Doctor” (friendlydoctor.org), a service for LGBT people, where they can undergo free and anonymous HIV testing, consultation with a dermatovenerologist, urologist and psychologist.
At the same time, a parent organization was also created to support and harmonize parent-child relationships in families with children from the LGBT community. Having come to one of the trainings conducted by my friend, psychologist Anastasia Medko, I realized how difficult it is for parents to accept their child. And I wanted to become part of this process. And for 5 years now (2 years of volunteering and 3 years of work) I have been collaborating with the All-Ukrainian charitable organization “Fulcrum” and the Parent Initiative “Tergo”.
— How ready is our society to discuss and accept LGBT issues?
“I never tire of repeating that people are afraid of what they don’t know, and if they are given the correct information, everything changes. The LGBT topic, on the one hand, is now well-known, but on the other hand, it remains very difficult for the public. People are afraid of some unimaginable propaganda, seduction, debauchery... But these are all stereotypes that have been created for many years. If we introduce society to the origins of homosexuality, show the true life of LGBT people, their lack of any differences other than the gender of the person they love from the so-called “majority,” then the world will become more open to diversity.
When I came to the LGBT organization, I was not initially tolerant. I liked the people I interacted with there - for their human qualities, interests, and intelligence. And so I began to get acquainted with the nature of homosexuality, different approaches and views on this aspect of human life. Gradually, my level of tolerance increased, and my level of anxiety and misunderstanding, maybe even rejection, decreased. Now, for me, a person’s sexual orientation or gender identity does not matter, the main thing is what he is like as a person, and everything else is his personal business.
As for our society, since February 2016 I have conducted 22 trainings on tolerance for different professional groups (psychologists, educators, teachers, doctors, journalists) for LGBT people and 90% of them were very tolerant, they simply lacked knowledge and information .
— Let's start from the very beginning: what sexual orientation is and what types there are.
Sexual orientation
- a characteristic of a person that reflects a more or less stable over time and conscious platonic, erotic and sexual attraction to people of a certain gender or two genders at the same time. To put it very simply, sexual orientation is “whom a person loves,” and he loves, and does not have sex with him.
Today, there are three types of human sexual orientation:
- heterosexual (aimed at people of the opposite sex);
- bisexual (people of both sexes are attracted equally);
- homosexual (directed exclusively at people of the same sex).
Also, some approaches add to this list asexuality , pansexuality And pomosexuality .
— What advantages does diversity of sexual orientation have for society, in your opinion?
— By accepting diversity, we accept different manifestations of our personality, remove pressures, destroy prejudices and stereotypes. As for “advantages”, I wouldn’t call it that. A person goes through a very difficult path of accepting his sexual identity - in our society, he obviously dooms himself for the most part to rejection, discrimination, and severing relationships with loved ones. It is important to understand that sexual orientation is given to a person at birth, and he cannot choose it. If this were possible, life would become easier. The number of cases of alcoholism or drug addiction due to lack of self-acceptance, as well as suicides or attempted suicides, especially among adolescents, would decrease.
— You inform that homosexuality is a type of norm. What is your argument? How do traditional people respond to these arguments?
— The American Psychiatric Association removed homosexuality from the list of mental illnesses back in 1973. Since May 17, 1991, the UN WHO also does not consider homosexuality a disease or personality disorder. Since there is no such diagnosis, it means there is nothing to treat - there is no clinical picture, we cannot describe the symptoms. It turns out that this is a variant of the norm.
I give different theories of the origin of human homosexuality, I say that there is no clear answer to this question. I’m trying to show that people of homosexual orientation are no different from heterosexual people - they have the same problems. There are no psycho-emotional or physical characteristics. And I give the training participants the opportunity to independently decide where they classify homosexuality. But practice shows that after reading the information and talking with representatives of the community, people themselves change their minds and become more open to the topic of homosexuality.
If we talk about “traditional views,” we need to clarify what tradition is. This is a very conditional concept; traditions change. Each country and culture has its own. Therefore, talking about “traditional” and “non-traditional” sexual orientation is now considered incorrect.
— The topic of homosexuality is now discussed more openly than 30, 20 or even 10 years ago. Is this a plus or a minus?
- I think it's good. According to surveys conducted abroad, about 40% of people have experience of same-sex sexual relations, from 3 to 10% of the population of any city discover homosexual feelings. However, many representatives of the LGBT community, under the influence of their parents, environment, and heterosexual attitudes of society, can get married, have children, and try to conform to the norm. But, as numerous stories from real life have shown, they do not get any pleasure from this - only discomfort, withdrawal, alienation and suffering from the inability to live in harmony with oneself and the world around them. The risk of alcohol or drug abuse increases, depression, suicide attempts are possible... Therefore, the more we talk about it, the fewer negative manifestations and consequences we will have.
— What do LGBT teenagers want most?
- To be accepted and loved for who they are, and not because they will follow the patterns of behavior that exist in society.
— Parents often ask how to understand whether there are prerequisites for homosexuality and what can be done in this situation?
- It’s impossible to understand. The behavior of most gays and lesbians in childhood was no different from other children. They play the same games, read the same books, they have the same idols in music. You can, of course, observe manifestations of attention and sympathy in boys and girls, but in most cases this is also not an indicator.
— What advice would you give to parents and teenagers?
- Talk a lot and don’t act on emotions. You may regret it later. Read literature, don’t be afraid to seek support from a specialist or someone else who can help—don’t keep everything to yourself. If you look for answers to questions, you will definitely find them ( video).
—Where can teenagers turn for help if they realize that they have a homosexual orientation and this worries them? What to read, which site/forum to go to, which specialist? What if there is no money and opportunities? And the same question about parents - where should they look for information and support?
— There are more than 40 active LGBT organizations in Ukraine that support various spheres of life of adult LGBT citizens, and, as a rule, their services are free. But with teenagers, it’s more difficult. No one takes responsibility for working with children because it is illegal. And children, unfortunately, are left alone with their questions.
In many Ukrainian cities there are so-called QUEER HOME– places where you can spend interesting time among representatives of the LGBT community, listen to lectures, play games, and participate in trainings. But there are also age restrictions. I really like the “Gender Zed” center in Zaporozhye: they have a lot of teenagers and they have a lot of fun. Children there find support and understanding that is not available in the family, and develop in different directions. But to go there, if you are under 18 years old, you must bring a note from your parents with permission to visit this place.
Now, thanks to the Internet, it is not a problem to find the information you need. Here are the websites of the largest organizations in Ukraine: UBO “Point of Support” (t-o.org.ua); Gay Alliance-Ukraine (upogau.org), Zaporozhye Regional Charitable Foundation “GENDER ZED” and many others.
For parents, there is the organization RI “Tergo” (tergo.org.ua), where they will help you understand issues of sexual orientation, gender identity, accept your child, and provide support to other parents. You can also consult a psychologist here. Tergo parents meet once a month in different cities, depending on the request, and hold meetings, trainings, self-support groups, or can meet just to talk over a cup of tea or listen on the phone. Everyone who has gone through the difficult path of accepting their child is now ready to provide support to the other parent.
And I recommend that all mothers and fathers, loved ones and simply not indifferent people start with the book “Answers to Difficult Questions.” It is small and very easily written:
— There is an opinion that sufficient openness on this topic provokes an increase in homosexual and bisexual people in society. Are there statistics in Ukraine on the number of teenagers/youth with “non-traditional orientation”? Maybe the dynamics of change are known.
— Everyone is afraid of propaganda... But don’t forget that all gays and lesbians were born in a society where family values and heterosexual relationships were promoted. Why didn't it work? You can't force a person to love someone. Yes, you can persuade someone to have sex, but it will be for one time. If you don't have attraction within you, you won't "become" gay. In closed schools, teenagers often practice same-sex sex, but this does not affect their sexual orientation. Finding themselves in an open society, in most cases they find a loved one and start a family with a person of the opposite sex.
The number of teenagers with homosexuality is the same as adults - from 3 to 10%. But the age of self-acceptance is changing. Previously, the teenager did not understand why he was different from others. He was afraid to admit to himself that he was attracted to people of the same sex. Moreover, in order to eradicate this attraction, they try to date a person of the opposite sex, but their internal desires cannot be overcome. These thoughts will eat you from the inside.
Clients told how, as children, it seemed to them that they were the only ones on the entire planet - there was no information, it was unrealistic to read or talk about it with someone... Therefore, they suppressed their thoughts and tried not to think about it at all. But the feelings and attractions remained. A colleague shared a personal story: at school during physical education, he looked at boys, and it was a reflex - then he did not understand why he was interested in this. Nowadays teenagers are more “advanced”, and there is more information (it’s a pity that not all of it is correct). Therefore, it is easier for modern children to go through the process of identifying and accepting themselves.
As for statistics, there are practically no studies of homosexual orientation in Ukraine, especially among adolescents. Currently, the UBO “Fulcrum Point” is taking part in the American GLESEN project: we are preparing a survey among teenagers about bullying at school. There the LGBT topic is raised separately - let's see what results we get.
— What are the most common misconceptions regarding LGBT teenagers?
- That it will pass, it will outgrow... This is very offensive to teenagers who have already accepted themselves. If we talk about sexual orientation, then we must distinguish between two concepts: “sexual orientation” and “sexual behavior.” About sexual orientation, we have already said: it’s about “who I love.” Sexual behavior is the entire range of possible sexual activities that a person uses to satisfy his sexual desire, regardless of what his sexual orientation is. Sexual orientation and sexual behavior are not necessarily identical. That is, it happens that teenagers use same-sex sex to relieve sexual tension, experiment, and gain experience. This doesn't mean they are gay or lesbian. Until a person (teenager) identifies himself with a person of homosexual orientation, we cannot consider him such. Every homosexual goes through a very painful, many-year process of “coming out” - recognizing oneself as gay or lesbian.
That is, if a teenager or your child comes to you and he says that he is attracted to people of the same sex, listen carefully to him. Tell him that you love him, no matter what, and try to talk to him very gently to figure out whether this is just teenage experimentation or whether it is homosexual orientation. And it’s better, of course, not to rush to conclusions - time will tell everything...
— What frightens parents most about their children’s homosexuality?
“Their vision of their own child’s life is collapsing. No matter how much we want to, we still subconsciously plan the future of our loved ones. And then the child declares information that does not fit into the heteronormative picture of the parents’ lives. And then all the fears begin to appear:
- This is some kind of disease;
- he/she will never have children, and I will never have grandchildren;
- how will this affect my child’s health;
- how the church and religion relate to this;
- how to tell your family or what will happen if your family finds out;
- my child will not be happy.
— Parents often ask at trainings how to explain to a child or teenager about people of homosexual orientation?
“We’re just talking about the fact that love comes in different forms.” There are men who love women, there are women who love men. And there are men who love men, and there are women who love women. I believe that the emphasis should be on feelings, emotional and romantic relationships, and not on sexual ones. They feel good together – and that’s the most important thing. It is also important to talk about contraception here, because teenagers are informed one way or another: to avoid getting pregnant, use condoms. But they don’t mention same-sex contacts, and then we have young people with HIV status or other diseases that are sexually transmitted. From my own experience, I will say that children accept diversity much easier than adults - they are not yet so biased.
— What needs to happen for society to finally stop discriminating and condemning people for expressing their sexuality?
- Time!!! The world is changing, just not as fast. After 3 years of active work, I can already see changes. More and more specialists (psychologists, doctors) are ready to provide assistance or work with LGBT people, more and more people understand and accept diversity.
*The text uses excerpts from Nina Verbitskaya’s book “Answers to Difficult Questions”
In contact with
Vasily, 47 years old, Andrey’s dad
About coming out
Andrey told his wife and me about his orientation on his nineteenth birthday. When he just started talking, I suddenly realized what exactly he was going to say. It was a shock, but subconsciously I was ready for this confession.
After Andrey’s coming out, I thought a lot. I couldn’t understand why this happened to my son. Analyzed what I did wrong. Maybe you didn't spend enough time? Or didn’t you raise him as a man?
We went to a good psychologist. This was Andrey’s desire, not related to his coming out. And the psychologist confirmed that this is “primary homosexuality.” Andrey accepted himself this way a long time ago and does not feel any discomfort about his homosexuality. But, most importantly, the psychologist said that my wife and I have nothing to blame ourselves for. To be honest, it helped me a lot. Now that a year has passed since my coming out, I take everything calmly. I accepted my child for who he is. He is a good guy, responsible and courageous.
About grandchildren and the future in Russia
Only my wife and I know about Andrey’s sexuality. I don't think it's worth bothering grandma or relatives. After he confessed to us, he had a period of euphoria. Andrei wanted to tell his group at the institute, but I dissuaded him: it is unknown how people might react. Like any parent, I want to keep him safe.
Of course I'm a little sad. I'm starting to think about my grandchildren. However, Andrei says that he also wants children. In our country, unlike many other countries, we have laws on marriage, and the proposed one will provide protection to biological parents. I think that for Andrei such laws are more important than the law banning the promotion of non-traditional relationships. Moreover, my son does not promote anything.
Things aren't so bad here. A good specialty, friends around, and the opportunity to have a child are important. I think that my son can be happy in Russia.
About the importance of support
With his wife, the son is more open about his personal life and his relationships. But I know that he has a friend and he wants to get to know us. They go to the movies and cafes, and get together on vacation. I'm glad my son is not alone. It seems to him that I am angry with him because of my orientation and that I am disappointed, but this is not so. I see that I am happy. And this is important to me.
Most fathers perceive their sons' unconventional orientation as some kind of shame and do not want to talk about it with anyone. But such a manifestation of male friendship has always existed. We have known about this since the times of Ancient Greece. Orientation is not important when there is real feeling, there is love and friendship.
I advise any father who has encountered his child’s homosexuality to read about it. But not LGBT literature, but, for example, Tennessee Williams. Watch Angels in America. And see that these are the same people with the same feelings. We need to try to understand this. After all, when you love your child, you will still accept him as anyone.
Vyacheslav, 42 years old, Elena’s dad
About coming out
For the first time, Lena talked about the fact that she liked a girl while still a schoolgirl. She and I calmly discussed this, and I asked her not to get hung up on it. Today you like a girl, tomorrow you like a boy. Later we had a conversation about sexual orientation options. I explained to her that everything is possible and all this is normal. Our mother punishes or scolds, but I always tried to be a parent-friend and wanted my daughter to be able to honestly talk to me about everything and not be afraid.
As she grew older, she began to openly say that she liked girls and that it was her choice. We discussed this without scandals or hysterics. But I took her first serious love a little with hostility. I am a psychiatrist by training and know all the options for sexual orientation, but I had concerns that this was all youthful maximalism, her desire to prove something to someone, to go against her. I wanted her not to take it for granted, but to first sort out her feelings and emotions. I finally accepted this when Lena said that she was in a serious relationship and wanted to live with a girl. We talked some more about my concerns and eventually decided that it was really serious.
About relations and the future in Russia
We discuss all of Lena's likes, and if she needs advice or help, I'm always there. When I understand that she is in a serious relationship or wants to live with someone, I definitely get to know these girls.
I don’t feel any aggression towards the LGBT community and I haven’t heard about it from my daughter. But she is a creative person, perhaps the lack of aggression is due to her social circle. And of course, because there is less negativity towards lesbian culture than towards gay culture.
I try to be an apolitical person, but the law banning homosexual propaganda made a big impression on me. Our country is not ready to accept the LGBT community, and this is being spurred on at the state level.
However, I think that Lena can live in Russia and be happy. There will be a lot of things that will be missing: the opportunity to get married, financial and legal security, but I know gay couples who live here, and some of them are even happier than heterosexual couples.
If Lena ever wants to have a child, I will be only too happy. You don't have to get married for this, but if marriage is important for your daughter, I will support her. In Russia, this union will not make any sense, and I am ready for the fact that one day she may leave.
If children are not ready to tell their dads about their sexuality, this is a problem for fathers
About the importance of support
Lena and I recently talked about her coming out - and she described in detail how I reacted throughout the entire period of acceptance. I immediately realized how important my support was for her, since she remembered all the little things, right down to some phrases.
Modern youth are open to dialogue, so if children are not ready to tell their dads about their orientation, this is a problem for fathers. Men are more closed. Telling something personal, discussing their experiences - for most of them this is difficult. I think that many dads, even after a calm reaction to coming out, still have a feeling in the depths of their souls. They do not fully accept the child’s homosexuality and are not ready to talk about it. But a child does not change after coming out, just like his love for his parents. Why then do parents change their attitude towards their child if he chooses a different path that is incomprehensible to them? This is betrayal. Children need us, count on our support, for many of them their parents are an example in life. But in the end, the child is faced with misunderstanding or negativity and must look for help somewhere else. Don't betray your children. Love them no matter what happens to them or who they love.
Natalya, 64 years old, mother of Vyacheslav
About coming out
I learned about Slava’s orientation from his personal diary during his school years. This was a huge shock for me, but I didn’t ask him anything: I thought that everything would go away on its own. I had no literacy in this matter. I didn’t know who to talk to or where to read about it. Dad passed away when Slava was 13, and I experienced all this alone with myself.
When Slava was about 20, I began to notice some worries and sad moods. I started asking him carefully about this. Slava saw that I was reacting calmly and peacefully, and little by little he began to share with me. We never had any formal conversation or coming out, he just realized that I knew. And gradually it became part of our lives as a given.
Your child is not a fascist or a terrorist. Like any person, he has the right to decide who to love and with whom to live.
About attitude in society
Now we are calmly discussing our son’s personal life. His homosexual friends often come to our house. At first they feel awkward, but when they see that I treat them completely calmly, we immediately find a common language. They are very happy when they are treated like ordinary people. Among his friends there are homosexual couples who have been together for a long time and have very good family relationships. Slava also has many heterosexual friends. His homosexuality did not change his personality in any way. He is cheerful, educated, the life of the party. I think that his relatives guess about his sexuality, because Slava is already 35, and he is not married. But no one asks directly.
At Slava’s work they don’t know. Neither he nor I are ready for a mass coming out, because people’s attitudes may change. Our society shies away from this topic. Maybe inside people understand something, but we have a very homophobic country.
About grandchildren and love for my son
If Slava wants to marry a man in another country, then, like any mother-in-law, I would like me to like this person and we would find a common language. It is important that this is an open person who truly loves my son.
Every mother who finds out about her son’s homosexuality fears most of all that in old age he will be left alone and will not have children. Slava is already an adult and wants to live separately, my personal life is not entirely successful, and without my grandchildren I feel a certain vacuum. I would really like Slava to have children.
I recently started going to the LGBT initiative group “Coming Out”. We watch movies, talk a lot and support the children and each other. It’s a shame that 20 years ago, when I first learned about Slava’s orientation, there were no such clubs for parents. Sexual orientation is inherent in nature, and when parents communicate with each other, it is easier for them to accept it and not blame themselves.
Homosexuality is not the end of the world or a tragedy to worry about. Your child is not a fascist or a terrorist. Like any person, he has the right to decide who he loves and with whom he lives. You need to have enough strength to accept all this, and a lot of love for your child.
A clinical psychologist at the Ember Center will answer questions from parents regarding the sexual orientation of adolescents, primarily those related to non-traditional sexual orientation.
Irina Yuryevna, please tell me how a person becomes gay or lesbian? Is there a set of standard reasons?
There is no consensus on this issue even among experts. There are experts who believe that this is a congenital feature; the so-called homosexual gene has been identified. There are experts who believe that this is the result of upbringing. This usually means “bad” upbringing. But in general, the formation of sexual orientation occurs on very deep layers of the psyche in fairly early periods of life, and then it only develops and gets worse.
Can we say that there is heredity in this matter?
There is no clear scientific data on this topic. Moreover, not a single study has found that children who grew up in homosexual families in countries where it is legal were more likely to exhibit homosexual orientation than other children.
How can you determine that a child is gay or lesbian?
A person determines this for himself. It is impossible to determine this from the outside, because there may be different motives behind a person’s different behavior that are not obvious to others. A person may experience drives and needs that are not expressed in external behavior. That is, initially the recognition of sexual orientation occurs within the child.
Irina Yuryevna, if a parent (father or mother) found out that their child is homosexual or lesbian - how to behave in such a situation, what to do and where to turn?
First of all, don't get excited. It is very important to be careful and delicate here, because this is the moment when it is quite easy to take unnecessary actions, the consequences of which will be difficult to correct. Firstly, if parents have assumptions that their child’s sexual orientation differs from the generally accepted one, then it makes sense to observe the child for some time, his interests, what he communicates about, etc. It makes sense at this time to increase your awareness - consult with specialists or study special literature. After this, if doubts persist, it makes sense to carefully talk with the child. We must be prepared for the fact that the child will not want to let his parents into his life. But in any case, nothing can be better than talking with a child; no prohibitions can change sexual orientation.
Tell me, what should a child do? Should children discuss this topic with their family and friends? After all, the most important question that worries a child is what will they think of me if they find out about my homosexual desires?
If a child or teenager has recognized homosexual interests or desires, then the first advice is the same - there is no need to break wood. Because in the field of sexuality, as in many other areas of life, there is unnecessary experience, there is no need to try to know everything. There is such a concept - transient teenage homosexuality, which suggests that many teenagers go through a stage of same-sex interest. This interest does not necessarily need to be reinforced in real life. That is, if a child has an interest in peers of the same sex, this does not mean that he is homosexual. True interest in one's own gender must develop long before puberty. And it should take precedence over interest in the other sex.
Let's once again highlight whether the parents of such children themselves need specialized help? And what behavior of parents can aggravate the situation in the family?
In any similar case, specialized help from a psychologist or psychotherapist is needed, because this situation is different from the generally accepted one, and you will have to constantly face difficulties. You cannot include any sharp, strict prohibitions. You can’t follow a teenager’s lead in everything. The main thing that parents need to do is try to maintain a trusting relationship with their child. Teenage boys are more vulnerable than girls because male homosexual activity is more socially stigmatized than female homosexual activity. Therefore, boys are at risk more often than girls. The best thing parents can do is maintain a trusting relationship and seek marriage counseling.
Very often the question comes up: is it possible to correct a teenager’s orientation with the help of experienced psychologists? And is it necessary to re-educate a child at all?
You can't just fix the orientation. In adolescents, homosexual behavior is often caused not by homosexual orientation, but by reactive behavior, a protest reaction. In this way they can argue with the structure of family values. Another question is how adequate this behavior is. But, nevertheless, such a reason occurs more often than true homosexual orientation.
Irina Yuryevna, tell me, if the parents decided to show their child, but the child himself does not want this, how can you motivate the child?
If the family is unable to organize a joint consultation with a specialist, then it may be easier to reach an agreement with the teenagers if the issue is turned around a little. That is, we will not go to have something done to you, to explain to you that you are not like that, that you are wrong. But to pose the question this way - maybe we are wrong about something, we don’t understand, we’re going too far, we don’t see our mistakes? Many teenagers are much more accepting of this approach and come. If no methods work, only adults can make an appointment. But then it will be a conversation about what parents can do in such a situation. What can they change in themselves, in their attitudes, in their behavior in order to resolve the problematic situation.
