Some women try to save their family at any cost, completely unaware of the danger that the role of the victim, chosen by them as an imaginary lifeline, can pose to others. So Is it worth living with your husband for the sake of children??
What will such brutal violence against one’s own needs and desires lead to? Very often, parents forget the main condition for the proper upbringing of their children - only happy adults can make a child happy.
If, despite all the warnings from psychologists, you decide that it is still worth living with your husband for the sake of the children, make every effort to get through this test with the least losses, and be sure to read our article.
This is worth doing only in one case - when both parents recognize the destructive impact of scandals, seek help from psychologists and agree to work on their relationship.
This resolution of the problem suggests that feelings between people are still preserved, it’s just that at the moment there is a crisis in their family, which can be dealt with by the mutual desire of the parties.
However, even in such a union it is necessary to be extremely careful when the question of the proper upbringing of children appears on the horizon. It is definitely worth remembering that any quarrels are prohibited in the presence of your child - all problems must be resolved in private.
Firstly, a child who is not involved in conflicts will very quickly learn to respect his own and other people’s boundaries, in addition, he will grow up with healthy ideas about what relationships should be like in a friendly and strong family. In this case, the game is definitely worth the candle.
First of all, you should adequately assess the situation - you are not only ruining your life, you are rewarding your own children with a huge number of complexes and psychological problems. Do you know what feelings your baby experiences during a quarrel with your husband?
The most poisonous ones are an explosive mixture of fear and a guilt complex, because poor children, who, due to their age characteristics, consider themselves the center of knowledge of the world, are firmly convinced that they are the only cause of all conflicts between mom and dad.
The feeling of guilt will very soon overtake you too - the offended sufferer in the depths of your soul will never be able to forgive those for whom she chose the path of sacrifice. Subconsciously, you will be angry with your husband and your child, and at the same time you will blame yourself for this forbidden anger. Do you and your family really deserve to live with such difficult emotional experiences?
In addition, your child will have distorted ideas about female-male relationships - he will not understand what love is and what trust is based on. Moreover, people who in childhood were frequent witnesses of conflicts between adults are afraid to start a family on a subconscious level.
And even if they decide to take such a step, they end up getting divorced anyway due to their complete inability to live in the company of another person and lack of skills to properly build contacts.
In the worst case, children raised in an “artificial” family may experience deep psychological trauma, which will make any communication with people painful for them, because they will consider screaming and scandals to be the only way to immerse themselves in contact.
Of course, the main argument of a woman who has “chosen a family” will be the answer: “I suffer in order to ensure that my children have the constant presence of their own father.” Perhaps this is so - mothers with a hypertrophied sense of responsibility are ready to live with an unloved husband and endure any hardships, if only their child grows up happy.
But what kind of happiness can we talk about if the father does not want or cannot fulfill his direct responsibilities towards his daughter or son - he does not work, for example, or drinks, argues and beats his wife? Shouldn't you think about a decent stepfather who would be a more suitable option?
Why do women give up their search and, despite the enormous inconvenience and risk, remain to live with their hated husband and leave everything unchanged? It turns out that not everything is so simple - voluntary consent to the role of a victim also has psychological prerequisites - a woman is afraid of being left alone or receiving the status of a “divorcee”. Suffering and the mask of a caring mother are only a way to escape from reality.
Of course, the role of a victim also has its advantages - society pities such “poor sheep,” and from the outside it seems that by your behavior you are defending very important, highly moral values. However, it would be pointless to object to scientific research - the status of a highly moral sufferer hides low self-esteem and a panicky fear of being alone.
The really necessary step that you should take for the sake of your child’s happiness is to immediately consult a psychologist. You cannot perceive the world in black terms, especially when there is a little person next to you, with childish naivety, ready to adopt any, even the darkest and most traumatic, model of your behavior.
Take courage and decide to live happily - immediately leave your husband who offends you. Do not tolerate humiliation for the sake of material well-being. If you prioritize self-improvement instead of suffering, you will begin to live completely differently and learn to provide for yourself. Well, you still have to meet your love - let your baby grow up in a happy family.
A wonderful person will help you make the right decision, and most importantly, rethink and change your life. Become happy and give your child a prosperous life!
Living with an unloved person is not worth living under any circumstances. If you want to see your child happy, do not tolerate each other under any circumstances, feel free to leave your husband and start creating a new relationship.
See also Times change, what was valuable before is not so important now, which is probably why people break up completely and irrevocably. After a divorce, life does not end; after a while, many women get married a second time.
Are you afraid that no one will want to marry a woman who already has a baby? Statistics say the opposite - many men, on the contrary, consider this circumstance an advantage, and the second marriage is very often much stronger than the first. And being in a state of eternal melancholy is harmful to your health, especially since no one will appreciate your suffering. A child does not need a victim, but a mother who is satisfied with life.
Be healthy and happy!
Share this article with a friend:... I won’t yell at the children, I won’t give them a lot of sweets, I won’t allow them to watch TV - everyone can continue this phrase with their sick ones. But few people will say: “When I become a mother, I will never live for the sake of children.” But in vain, because this is one of the global mistakes of parents in raising children.
Olga Valyaeva is a psychologist and author of women's psychological books. But, besides this, I am a mother and a wife. On her website, Olga writes about important “mom’s” topics, for example. In one of the articles, a mother psychologist explains why you should not live for the sake of a child and how such upbringing of children affects them in adulthood.
I beg you, don’t live for your children! Not only do they not need it, it is harmful to them... So many broken destinies, broken hearts, resentments and misunderstandings! I see women who give up everything in life for the sake of children. And then I see those children for whom they gave up everything. This is a sad sight.
Story one. Mom raised Vanya alone. She never got married, invested everything in her son, bought him an apartment, paid for his university. He became a wonderful man, successful. Except he's already fifty. He has never been married and has no children. All my life I tried to repay my mother’s unpaid debt. Did not work out.
Story two. Ksyusha’s father worked day and night for the sake of the children. He had big plans - especially for his daughter. She was capable. And he dreamed that she would become a doctor. I saved up for her university. But she refused. She wanted to live her own life. Differently. I wanted to become an artist. Then dad tried to reason with her - and billed her. I calculated everything there - how much her schooling, clubs, clothes, food cost. And he demanded that the money be returned. Need I say that Ksyusha never saw her father again? More than thirty years have passed since that day.
Story three. Mom gave up her personal life for Ira. After the divorce, I didn’t go on dates, I was afraid of injuring my daughter. The daughter has grown up and cannot leave her mother. Can't go on dates. She can’t even bear the thought of leaving her mother and moving on with her own life. Ira is already forty. Never been married. Have no children.
Story four. Igor and Zhenya's parents were very, very good. They did everything for the children, everything they could, and even what they couldn’t. The family always seemed friendly, family holidays, vacations. Only in all this parenthood they lost their marriage. There was nothing connecting them anymore. They lived together for thirty years, like dad and mom. And then, when the children left, they simply divorced. Zhenya still cannot recover from this greatest deception. She is already thirty-seven, but she does not want to get married. He is afraid of repeating the same sad story. After all, my mother faded away very quickly after the divorce.
Story five. Gosha is a late child. They always worried about him, they looked after him, they cared about him, even too much. To tell the truth, his mother simply despaired of waiting for the prince and decided to have a child for herself. And then she decided that through George all her dreams would come true. She tried in every possible way to make him a child prodigy. He studied several languages, went to many clubs, played the harp... His mother was proud of him, and always asked guests to play something. The harp is very exotic! Gaucher is already over forty. He's divorced. His children are being raised by another man. And Gosha doesn’t mind. He still doesn't know what he wants. He didn't become a child prodigy. He couldn't stand it and broke down. Now he just drinks. Before work, instead of work and after it. Mom doesn't see this anymore.
Why you shouldn’t live for your child: advice from a psychologist
Are there many such stories and how many of them are funny and joyful? When a child becomes the meaning of life, it is too hard for him. It’s as if he’s being thrust into a room that will one day run out of air. At first you can live like this, but gradually you begin to suffocate. To suffocate in such love and care.
And not only have you been living in such a stuffy desert for twenty years - or whatever -, most often you remain in debt. They bring you the bill, although it seemed like you were just visiting. And I would gladly help the owners - on my own initiative. But when they bring you the bill on a platter for these very twenty years, when every breath burned everything inside...
Then there are options. The child can pay these bills forever. Like Ira or Vanya from the stories at the beginning of the article. Or stage a protest - start drinking, break all ties - like Gosha and Ksyusha... It’s rare that anyone is able to understand and accept such an attitude from their parents. Accept and understand, and at the same time not sacrifice your own life, your interests. Therefore, I beg you, do not live for the sake of your children! Find yourself a different meaning in life, find a different meaning in motherhood and fatherhood. So that little boys and girls coming to this planet do not become hostages and victims of your “charity” and guardianship.
Let them grow as God willing. How much he gives and what he gives is enough. For some, millions of sections based on abilities are formed by themselves. And the child himself will want all this. But it won’t work out with someone, it won’t work out. So it’s not necessary.
Love your husband. The children will grow up, and he will remain with you. You can set an example of relationships for your children so that they want a family and children. Or you can discourage all desire if you are obsessed with children's problems, ignoring your husband's needs.
The decision to continue to live together even when “all the bridges have been burned” and nothing remains of the feelings that once existed is not so rarely made by people. There may be several reasons for this - this includes jointly acquired property, including an apartment or house, which is not so easy to divide, and the negative childhood experience of one or both spouses, who themselves once experienced the loss of a sense of stability and inviolability of family relationships , and a feeling of guilt towards the child for an unfulfilled family. However, if material problems can still be solved, then the psychological reasons that force two people incompatible with each other to live together sometimes form that Gordian knot, which seems almost impossible to cut. Oddly enough, what fears divorce the most is not those spouses in whose family model and history there have never, or almost never been, divorces, but those whose parents were divorced. Remembering their difficult childhood experiences associated with the collapse of their family, these people try their best not to repeat the parental scenario. Unfortunately, despite this, most often they are the ones who repeat what they are trying to escape from and themselves, sometimes unconsciously, initiate the divorce. Some parents believe that the only acceptable (both socially and psychologically) option is when a family is created for the sake of having and raising children, and therefore it is necessary to “carry this cross” to the end, even when it becomes prohibitively difficult, and living together does not bring pleasure to any of the family members (sad as it is, but also to children). Such a heightened (or perverted?) sense of responsibility gives rise to a feeling of guilt in spouses for any actions leading to the destruction of the family, even if only the name remains of this family.
Is it good in this situation? to kid? “The most important thing is the weather in the house...”
A model of life, communication, attitude towards the world is the main thing that gives to kid family. The family satisfies the most important psychological needs baby– in safety, in communication, in love. As is known, in a complete family, traditionally the mother performs the function of the emotional background of the family, creates a warm family atmosphere, performs the task of intimacy, trust, understanding, and the father largely represents the function of normative control, creates a rating system, and regulates behavior. A two-parent family, when faced with the difficulties of everyday life, experiences them much easier. A child in such a family knows that he is not alone, that his father and mother always stand behind him, and he learns to overcome critical situations from the example of decisions made by the whole family. However, this is ideal. Trying to save the marriage for the sake of baby, spouses, as a rule, are guided by the interests of themselves baby. That is, they believe that to kid It’s better to live in a complete family, even if not with better relationships within it, than with one of the parents. However, deciding for baby What is best for him, parents proceed from their own experience and ideas about the future. In addition, our conscious desire may run counter to our unconscious motives. So, the fear that life baby will certainly change for the worse after the parents’ divorce, can only be a rationalization of internal parental complexes, namely, the fear of being abandoned, of being left alone. At the same time, parents can also project onto baby their own feelings, since the fear of being abandoned sometimes comes from their own childhood. Of course, there are situations when family relationships can still be improved. For example, cooling of feelings and alienation between spouses has not yet occurred, and “military actions” are caused by some kind of crisis in the relationship - a change in the life situation or, possibly, betrayal of one of the spouses. In this case, if there is mutual desire, the marriage can be saved. At the same time, a lot of effort and tact will be required from the spouses so as not to involve baby to clarify their relationship. Generally speaking, to kid It will never be good in a family where the parents are in a state of enmity with each other, even if it is just a “cold war”. Children of any age are very sensitive to the “weather in the house.” And if big children usually react behaviorally - showing aggression towards parents or peers, committing crimes or running away from home, then little ones begin to get sick, reacting neurotically. Insomnia, stuttering, enuresis, childhood fears, obsessive actions, allergic dermatoses, gastritis in baby– this is not a complete list of symptoms of family dysfunction. Sometimes when I get sick, child unconsciously pursues one single goal - to attract the attention of his parents, distract them from quarrels and reconcile the two people he loves most. Young children can quickly “switch” when the environment changes. So, they can be cheerful and active on the street, in kindergarten, visiting friends and relatives, but this is not a reason to assume that baby nothing bothers me. Quite the contrary, displacing unpleasant experiences, child turns their energy against their own health. Among other things, the subjective experiences experienced by a child whose parents constantly quarrel with each other are very difficult. The younger child , the less he understands the relationships between people, the more he is inclined to take the blame for everything that happens on himself. He thinks: “If mom and dad are fighting, then they are doing it because of me, that means I’m bad.” The baby feels like a bone of contention. The consequences of such thoughts are feelings of guilt, sadness, fear, rage, and anger experienced by the child. All these feelings and thoughts lead to a decrease in emotional tone, difficulties in communication, experiences of loneliness and rejection, a negative sense of self, and low self-esteem. Such children constitute a special problem group that needs the attention of parents, psychologists and teachers. Indifference has an equally destructive effect on everyone. The spouses may not even quarrel, they agree to live together for the sake of the children, but each lives their own life. From the outside, relationships in such families look almost ideal, but it is precisely indifference creates baby feeling of absolute emptiness- when no one needs anyone, including himself. A difficult family environment, in which it is not customary to openly express one’s feelings, cripples the psyche baby. Accustomed to suppressing my emotions, child and in adulthood becomes incapable of adequate communication with other people. Firstly, he will not understand what the people around him want, since he did not have the opportunity to observe the manifestations of his parents’ feelings in his family, and secondly, he himself will be unable to express his feelings, since for him this will be associated with the threat of rejection. In general, the habit of hiding one’s feelings can turn into a reaction of protest against parents in adolescence with all the ensuing consequences - even leaving home... There is also an option when the spouses “cannot bear without each other” and it is impossible to be together. This is perhaps one of the most negative cases. Child in such situation doesn't know what to expect from parents- they either come together and pay attention to him, then they quarrel and “forget” that there is a creature that painfully perceives such metamorphoses, then they scatter, sowing in the soul baby grains of guilt for the behavior of mom and dad. Unable to endure the unpleasant experiences associated with a tense family situation, children quickly learn to take advantage of it for themselves. Constantly quarreling parents are ideal targets for manipulation. It is very easy to get attention, affection, encouragement and gifts simply by taking the position of one of the parents. And, being a “servant of two masters,” you can receive exactly twice as much of these benefits. The main thing is to act secretly and not get caught in deception. The prospects for future life are also bleak. baby, who grew up in a family with dysfunctional relationships between parents. Growing up, people tend to repeat their parents' scripts. This is natural. A person learns from the example of those closest to him. Living in a marriage with an unloved spouse only “for the sake of baby“Do you wish a similar fate for your offspring? In addition, often, having barely reached adulthood, children from such families strive to create their own families as quickly as possible, just to “escape” from their parents’. It’s sad, but as a rule, they fail to build normal relationships in their own families.
What to do? Possible options for the development of events.
As we know, there are no hopeless situations. Several options for further developments are possible. Firstly, you can do this continue living together. You just need to weigh all the pros and cons and decide whether the game is “worth the candle.” If there is even the slightest possibility of improving relations, if the wall of misunderstanding that has arisen between spouses is only a reflection of an intra-family crisis, then it is worth working hard and trying to save the family for the well-being of all its members, and not just baby, which in the latter case turns out to be not well-being at all. During the period of establishing relationships, in no case should you get involved in this. baby, try to win him over to your side, initiate him into the intricacies of relationships that concern only two adults. No matter how old it is to kid, he will never be able to understand the real reason for the differences between his parents. But you shouldn’t hide your feelings from him. You just need to let him understand that there are situations when things may not be smooth in relationships between people. You need to talk to your child about what is happening. Especially when he asks questions. Everything that adults keep silent about, children consider terrible and intolerable. Their fantasies can be much worse than reality. And, naturally, child should never witness parental “scenes.” Still, the title of parents obliges us to “preserve a human face.” And yet, you should not take action to initiate a divorce until both or one of the spouses has a strong conviction in the necessity of this step. It is permissible to endlessly converge and diverge with one person only as long as there are no children. If there are children in the family, then you need to have the strength to make a certain decision and follow it, since the constant tossing of parents is very difficult for children. If the spouses cannot get out of the situation with dignity, if they do not have the strength to end the marital relationship in the least traumatic way for everyone, then, unfortunately, another option is possible, which is far from rare. So, people separate, but relationships do not end. Having failed to resolve differences while still married, they continue the war even after its dissolution - including baby into a fight among themselves, they set him up against his ex-spouse, and pull him over to their side. More often this happens when a woman remains single and her husband gets a new wife. In this case, I would only like to advise you to stop doing this, because revenge to a greater extent poisons the life not of the person against whom it is directed, but of the avenger himself. At the end of the day, if you can't handle your own negative feelings towards your ex-spouse, don't baby a bargaining chip and a scapegoat. He's not guilty of anything. First of all, think about how he feels in this situation. And direct your energy in a positive direction. Life is too short to waste it fighting phantoms. The third option is also not uncommon in a situation where spouses separate. The child stays with one of the spouses—usually the mother—and the other often visits him. This option is almost ideal if the ex-spouses do not sort out the relationship, but child can communicate with both parents as often as he wants. It is believed that when the father leaves, the house loses its masculinity. Of course, it is more difficult for a mother to take a boy to the stadium or instill in him purely male interests. The child no longer sees as clearly what role a man plays in the home. As for the girl, her correct attitude towards the male sex can easily be distorted due to an undisguised resentment towards her father and the unhappy experience of her mother. In addition, her idea of a man will not be formed on the basis of a natural, initial acquaintance with him through the example of her father, and therefore may turn out to be incorrect. However, these are stereotypes and they “work” when the mother, harboring a grudge against the entire male family, “gives up on herself”, making the decision to “live for baby" If she actively includes all her male relatives in upbringing, or rather, in communicating with the child, if she does not isolate herself within four walls, then there is a high probability that baby an adequate attitude towards people of both sexes will be formed. In general, in the event of a divorce, children require special attention, patience and love from both parents. Try to spend more time communicating with your child. The task of adults is to convince baby that he had nothing to do with it, that the divorce is connected solely with a misunderstanding between the parents, and it will in no way affect the relationship between dad and mom towards their to kid. Whatever the relationship between parents, child must feel that dad and mom will love him just as passionately as before. By the way, the younger child, the easier it is for him to accept any life situation as a necessity and inevitability. The child is not yet familiar with social stereotypes, and therefore what is good for mom and dad is good for him. Therefore, maintaining a marriage for altruistic reasons “for the sake of baby“When, for example, he is not even 3 years old, there is no need. The next option is not very common in our country. This means the case when child lives in one family or another(for example, one week with mom, another with dad). In America, this option is often practiced - a school year child spends time with mom, and goes to dad for the summer. This solution to the issue is more reasonable than week after week, since divorced parents often live in different cities, and to kid It’s inconvenient to go to school. However, there are pitfalls here too. Living "in two families" child gets the opportunity to go to another parent at any time if something does not suit him. But there is also a positive side to this - parents who value communication with their child have a real incentive to truly care for him, since there is always a potential threat that child will live where he really feels better. And, finally, taking into account the fact that it is the complete family that most optimally performs all the functions assigned to it, one should not postpone the creation of a new family, again for the reasons that the supposed “new father” will never replace the “old one”. Of course, in the quality that is inherent in his own father, he will not replace him. However, it is impossible to overestimate the fulfillment of the much-needed to kid fatherly role. You should not try to be both mother and father to your child. You won't succeed. You will remain only a mother, you will do baby even more dependent on you and create confusion in his idea of what a man should do in life and what a woman should do. The longer you put off getting married again, the more difficult it will be for you to get used to this idea and the more difficult it will be for you to accept your new father. child. So, divorce and separation of parents is an unpleasant experience, a difficult experience, but it is not a disaster. The desire of the spouses to preserve the family at all costs, even when there is not only love left between them, but even mutual respect, as a rule, does not bring the expected benefit to them. baby. Therefore, instead of wasting your energy on “saving” or keeping a cracked family boat afloat, it may be better to direct it to resolving the current situation associated with the alienation of spouses. In the end, the correct behavior of two intelligent adults can minimize the negative consequences of family destruction. And, perhaps, this will be the best way out, acceptable for all its members, including the one whom mom and dad certainly won’t stop loving, no matter how far they are from each other.
We live in a “child-centric” world. Putting our children first is not only normal for us - it is almost a prerequisite for becoming a good parent in the eyes of a demanding modern society. We spend more money on new clothes than on our own education, we sacrifice our sleep and rest to entertain our kids, we go to jobs we don’t like to provide them with a better education. And when it comes to our personal lives, we do everything to save the marriage, because everyone knows that divorce harms the child... Is this true? In fact, parental separation harms children much less than is commonly believed. And that's why.
Society exaggerates the value of marriage for a child
For children, parents' divorce never goes unnoticed - this is a fact. But those who say that divorce destroys a child's world are greatly exaggerating. This may become true if, having gotten rid of the stamp in the passport, one of the parents disappears from the horizon (however, the “disappearance” of mom or dad for a long time will have the same effect in a formally existing marriage).If after a divorce you are able to separate the roles of ex-spouses and parents, the fact that dad lives separately will not destroy the basic trust in the world that psychologists love to talk about. The child will get used to the fact that mom has her own home, and dad has his own; the main thing is that he hears words of love and support from both parents.
It’s better to have calm parents separately than to always argue together.
Divorce causes children much less suffering than living under the same roof with people who do not love, and sometimes openly despise each other, all the time. Don't forget that it is in childhood that patterns of behavior are laid down that we unconsciously use for the rest of our lives. And in the anamnesis of many psychologists’ clients, one can find a childhood spent with mom and dad, who fought over insufficiently hot borscht and scattered socks, or simply ignored each other.All studies on “children of divorce” are one-sided in nature.
We often hear that we need to save the marriage for the sake of the children, that divorce affects the child’s psyche, that we need to be patient for several years because it will be better for the baby... But the truth is that all this advice is based only on assumptions. There are no - and cannot be - statistics in the world that would show how harmful divorce really is for a child. Psychologists and researchers can measure IQ scores and depression levels in children of divorced parents as long as they want, but we will never know what would have happened to those same children if their parents had stayed together and quietly hated each other. It is quite possible that the level of depression would be even higher, and the basic trust in the world would be completely absent.Children cannot stand not only screaming, but also the “silent game”
By the way, if you are sure that since you don’t scream or make trouble, it will be better for the child if you save the marriage, know that this is not so.University of Rochester psychology professor Patrick Davis conducted a large-scale study that was designed to assess the level of stress in families of parents formally living together, but objectively no longer loving each other. He found that children feel great when adults “play silent”, expecting that such behavior will not show the child that they are offended, angry and upset - the level of cortisol, the stress hormone, increased in children.
Researchers at the New York Institute went even further - for a year they observed 223 families with 6-year-old children, and came to the conclusion that screams and scandals are perceived by children better than ignoring and indifference. Another conclusion that the researchers made is that children do not get used to conflicts, as one might expect. Quite the opposite - the longer a child lives in an environment of constant scandals, the more sensitive and receptive to them he becomes. Think about this the next time you decide to “stick it out” with your divorce for the sake of your children for another five to ten years.
Children won't appreciate your sacrifice
Expectations are a surefire reason for disappointment. If you think that your child will thank you when he grows up (or at least understand your motives), you are very mistaken. If you decide to stay married for the sake of your children, leave your child the right to treat this decision in the way he thinks is right.There's only one life
We often live as if we are playing a role, but, unlike in the movies, no one will tell us “stop, take two!” and will not allow you to start all over again, correct mistakes, live the moment anew, go back five years ago. Aren't you afraid that when your child becomes old enough that you and your husband (wife) are not afraid to finally visit the registry office and file for divorce, you will not have the strength and desire to take care of your own life?Divorce for children is not as scary as is commonly believed
It is very important to realize that the main harm to a child’s psyche is not caused by the disappearance of stamps from your passport, but by your squabbles and showdowns on this and all other occasions. If you cannot be in the same room with your spouse without raising your voice, if the calm and measured tone of communication has remained somewhere in the distant past, if your life together is filled with nit-picking and mutual reproaches, then divorce may be for your child. salvation.Living in a quarrel is worse for children than living in a divorce
Children feel their parents very well, and the negative emotions that mom or dad show will never go unnoticed (even if you think that your child does not understand anything yet because he is only a year old). “Since the closest and dearest people cannot communicate normally with each other, it means the world is not safe” - this is the conclusion the child draws, naturally, on an unconscious level. All children may have different reactions to parental squabbles depending on age, temperament and how long and often they witness your adult problems. Some children stop talking, others suddenly develop asthma or another psychosomatic illness, and older ones may turn to drugs or video games.Professors from the universities of Alabama and the city of Providence conducted a study in which 54 healthy children aged 8-9 years took part. They observed the life of the family during the day, and then using a special device - an actigraph - recorded the quality of the children's sleep. It turned out that even small squabbles and caustic comments from parents to each other significantly affect the child’s sleep. Children whose families experienced even rare conflicts slept on average 30 minutes less than children from “healthy” families, and their sleep was less deep. And sleep is not only an important component for restoring strength, but also a clear indicator of the level of stress in life.
There is no right time for divorce
For the sake of your child, are you ready to remain married all your life to an unloved man who annoys you with his mere appearance? If not, then you should know that the divorce of parents “hits” the child, regardless of whether he is five years old or fifty-five. At any age, deep inside he feels like your “baby”, and for whom the separation of his parents will divide the world into “before” and “after”, and he will have to learn and live in new conditions. At the same time, it is much more difficult for adults to adapt than for children.It would seem that it should be easier for an older child to understand the reasons for his parents’ divorce, but no matter how it is, it will be much more difficult for him, because he will wonder: since everything was so terrible, then why did you save the marriage? And the news that mom and dad lived under the same roof for the sake of him, his beloved, can be perceived extremely painfully - a child, no matter how mature and reasonable he is, may feel guilty that his parents were unhappy for so many years.
All of the above does not mean at all that at the slightest hint of difficulties, a couple should run to the registry office and get a divorce. It is better for a child to grow up in a family, but in a healthy family. Therefore, if you feel strong in yourself, and in your partner - a desire to save the marriage, try to make a “deal” with your spouse - for the next six months, you both do everything to make your marriage better, more comfortable for both of you, more interesting and enjoyable. If after this time you realize that you cannot make each other happy, then at least you can tell yourself “I did everything I could to save this marriage.”
Just do it not for the sake of the children - for the sake of each other, for the sake of your family.
Photo - photobank Lori
All parents are aware that in order for the child to develop fully, he does not have problems with psychological health, he needs a friendly, calm atmosphere in the family. Ideally, children should have a father and mother. But in life different things happen. Sometimes family relationships between spouses are so tense that they become a burden. Who suffers in this situation? Of course, children. What to do? Should I move on and pretend? Or not torment yourself, your children and decide on a divorce?
Reasons why a woman keeps her family for the sake of children
Some wives are simply afraid that they will not be able to provide for their children, so they continue to suffer, endure humiliation, and insults. In fact, it is easier to start living again, find a job, try by all means to solve a financial issue, than to traumatize a child with an unfavorable mental family environment.
Why does a woman decide to leave everything as it is?
- Shared house, car. Many mothers think not about how to move on with their lives, but how to maintain comfortable conditions for their children. They don’t want to sue or divide something, so material things begin to prevail over interests and common sense.
- Dependence on husband. This is the problem of almost every modern woman who, when she gets married, evaluates the financial condition of her partner. At the same time, the husband takes advantage of the fact that his wife depends on him, allows herself too much, and the children suffer greatly from this. The woman has no place to go, so she agrees even to unfavorable relationships.
- Money. It’s a pity that some women are not used to earning money themselves and providing for their children, so they torture themselves and their children. Remember, the child perceives everything sensitively, he cannot stand raised voices, scandals - this is a lot of stress for him.
- Fear of loneliness. For some reason, a stereotype has long been established: after a divorce, no one needs a woman with children. Believe me, if a man comes your way who truly falls in love, he doesn’t care whether you have children or not. And, if he gives up after learning that you have children, it’s not you that he doesn’t need, but he doesn’t need that at all! Don’t be afraid of loneliness, the main thing is to believe in yourself, in your beauty and strength.
- Maternal fears that the child will grow up in an incomplete family. Many women are sure that they need to sacrifice themselves, endure everything, because the child must have a father. This is a big mistake! A child will not be able to live normally in a family in which love, respect, and mutual understanding do not exist. What example are you setting? Conflicts, scandals, mistrust. It is better to let children communicate separately with their parents than to live in a tense environment.
A woman's reluctance to keep her family together
Some condemn women who decide to end their marriage after having children. There is no need to rush to conclusions, there are a number of reasons:
- No love, no feelings, just stress.
- Tired of insults, hatred, quarrels.
- The child will feel calmer without seeing scandals.
What should a woman do who got married once and for all, had children, but over time realized that a complete stranger was living with her? Indeed, love can leave for various reasons - there was no resentment, betrayal, mistrust, loss of interest or feelings at all, the marriage was created under certain conditions. What to do? Burn bridges and start a new life, or suffer quietly, endure, cry into your pillow at night?
First of all, psychologists advise to think everything over, calmly weigh it, and approach the situation soberly. Answer yourself the question: what do you lose when you break off a relationship? Will it be easier for the children?
Psychologists say that a child should grow up in a full-fledged family, but they clarify if it is prosperous. When children see their father only on weekends, and then in a not sober state, he allows him to raise his hand against his mother, insult her, what kind of family can we talk about! Children should not live in such an atmosphere. Such a family does not bring joy; it has no prospects. How will it all end? Mental disorders, complexes in a child. In the future, he will not be able to find contact with the opposite article; he will be tormented by memories of how his father offended his mother.
Do I need to be patient?
Some spouses, in order to save the family, decide to live together, but do not have contact with each other. This cannot be allowed. It’s worth talking and making a unanimous decision. Remember, swearing and quarrels will not solve the problem. You are adults, calmly discuss the problem, replace emotions with arguments.
If you can’t fix what’s broken, sit down, talk, and come to the right decision. A mistake many women make: “There is no life after divorce" Why “keep yourself alive?” Children have never been an obstacle to new love or relationships, and a second marriage is always much stronger than a failed one, because you already understand a lot.
How to save a family for the sake of children?
If you love each other with your husband, but are going through some kind of crisis, pay attention to the recommendations of a psychologist:
- A woman is a flexible psychological partner, on whom many things depend. It is the weak half that is ready to forgive, turn a blind eye to everything bad, strengthen and protect the family.
- Try to change the environment, start experiencing new sensations again.
- Learn to be interested in each other’s interests; you should be united not only by children, but also by a common cause. For example, building a house, buying an apartment, etc. Even if this is not the case, everyone lives their own life, further relationships make no sense.
What to do if living together has become impossible?
If the relationship cannot be saved in any way, all attempts end in aggression, misunderstanding, anger, it is best to think about divorce, because:
- There is no point in pretending and deceiving children, they feel everything and see for themselves.
- There is no point in hoping that everything will be fine, there is still a chance.
Remember, all this traumatizes children even more. For them, the main thing is calm, balanced parents who will only make them happy.
So, it is impossible to unequivocally answer the question of whether it is worth saving a family for the sake of children. Everyone must think for themselves what is best to do. The main thing is to make a decision rationally, and not guided by emotions.
