/decided to post what was written earlier and not posted here =)/
"Girls are creatures of subtle mental organization."
And also, a weak nervous system and wild imagination.
Most often (!) all the whims, absurdities, hysterics, brain drains
the girls' sides towards their boyfriends do not come from
harmful character, not due to PMS or some other temporary
insanity, but only because of your lack, dear men,
attention. By the way, due to the supposed reasons listed above,
the consequences of the main reason - this very lack of your attention -
may worsen.. So, let's look at the most common
a diagram of the development of events in this situation.
Consequences of lack of attention:
Stage 1. Initial. The state of “I miss you”, then “I miss you”
“Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooothis stage this stage are going on.”
this is the same portion of “lack of attention”, which is even greater
"warms up" feelings, and as a result - passionate meetings, fiery
kiss and so on.
It can and should be used) the main thing is not to overdo it... because if you tighten it, you should:
Stage 2.
The state of “I’m angry”, then “I’m very angry!”, “I’m furious!!”.. This
the stage is no longer so favorable, or rather, not at all favorable for
relationships, since here the same whims, hysterics,
absurdities, in general - mind blowing... Moreover, the absurdities seem
only for men, girls have such logical thoughts in their heads
chains, men just don’t have enough imagination for them... but girls don’t have it
wow, how much... and even when there is so much “free” time so that
put her to use... and now she has already screwed herself up with God knows what, from this
I'm even more angry with you...
By the way, a man is not always aware of this whole volcano of passions,
perhaps she is “proud”, she doesn’t show you anything, but all the delights of it
stages spill out onto those around you, friends..
While waiting for a call or a message, she swears not to write or call
first. At all. Never. Then an hour later he can’t stand it and writes
something insignificant, sort of casual...
At this stage, everything is still easily fixable (except for the girl’s nerve cells,
of course, which, as is known, are not restored), it is enough just
correct yourself, call, write, a couple of kind words, assurances that
how dear she is to you, how you, terribly busy, think about her incessantly and
etc. - and that’s it, the disaster is over.. The main thing is to catch it in time..
Otherwise it will happen:
Stage 3. State “I scored” or “Well, screw you, golden one.”
fish"... Here the girl is distracted by others - other thoughts, other
business, other entertainment, other friends, acquaintances. Fills,
so to speak, emptiness. She remembers that she had a wonderful life before you.
Begins to notice other, “more attentive” people... And here you can
fix everything, if you don’t delay it completely... Because...
notice, she notices them, but while the feelings have not yet faded away, then
"remarks" will not work... The main thing is to catch yourself in time... Although, if you
brought your girlfriend to Stage 3, maybe you don’t need her that much..
So, if you have mastered this stream of thoughts, evaluate the situation, write
a fiery message to your precious ones, or better yet, call and
better...Yes, you yourself know everything, you are so smart here, right??))
although not always attentive enough))
With love, Non-Feminist.
Women want male attention, they don’t get it, they suffer and write letters to me.
For example, like this: “A woman wants more warmth, words and signs of attention, that is, expressions and external manifestations of love from a Man. The man is cold and not used to giving all this away, he is silent, but says that he loves and freaks out when some signs of attention are required from him, he withdraws into himself.
A quarrel and resentment begins on both sides. He is as cold as an Iceberg in the ocean, and she wants love). What should both of us do? P.S. Verbal requests do not help".
Or like this: “He doesn’t talk about his feelings, I want him to do it sincerely, and not when I pull them out of him. I feel like our relationship lacks this emotional expression due to his past experiences.
I am very emotional, I miss emotions from him, I stop feeling that I am valuable to him, it hurts me. Please tell me what to do about this".
The easiest way, of course, in this situation is to talk not with women, but with their men.
Take this person aside and say, well, don’t be a beech, learn a dozen warm phrases and expressions of attention, put them in the reminders of your phone and do it as soon as the reminder pops up. Let’s say you’re on your way home from work, and here’s a reminder: “Buy flowers for your wife.” I stopped, bought it, brought it home, and handed it over.
Another time the reminder “Tell your wife you love her” chimed. He said and kissed.
The third time, the reminder reminded “Hug your wife right now.” He went and hugged him. If at that moment my wife was not at home, I wrote an SMS, saying, “darling, I miss you, I want to hug you so much.”
That's all. Your wife is happy, she doesn’t write various questions to Zygmantovich, she doesn’t complain about your coldness. Beauty!
Alas, this method will not work - women write to me, not men. The solution is needed for women, not for men.
Therefore, I’ll try the proven method and make things clearer. It often happens that the clarity that emerges, when everything is in order, seriously reduces tension and suffering.
Let's start with the main thing - men are usually less attentive to relationships than women. For most women, relationships usually come first. For most men, usually - on the third (the gradation is somewhat arbitrary and does not apply to all, but only to the majority).
A woman is usually worried and worried about the relationship. A man is usually worried and worried about business (in the broad sense - about what he does outside the family).
Relationships, wife and children - for him come somewhat after the matter (although, what is important, most often the matter is not for him personally, but for the family). But for a woman it’s the opposite.
This is normal - men and women are complementary, that is, complementary. Our union allows us to accomplish more than we could alone.
However, this is where the problems come from. Women expect one thing from men, but get another. Men expect something else from women, but get something else.
Which exit? Of course, take into account each other’s characteristics.
It is useful for men to know and remember that relationships are usually immeasurably important for women, at the top of the list of priorities, and sometimes even higher than the first place.
It is useful for women to know and remember that relationships for men are usually somewhere in third place on the list of priorities. This knowledge and “remembering” seriously makes life easier.
A woman wants attention for two reasons - biological and psychological. Biologically, attention is pleasant. Stroking, scratching, hugging, affectionate intonations - it all makes him happy.
Psychologically, attention means that you are the only one for me, as before. And a woman, let me remind you, wants not to be loved, but to be the only one (the link to a note about this is at the very bottom).
Therefore, when a woman talks about attention, she can say it “out of joy”, because she wants pleasant things. Or she may say “out of fear,” because she is afraid that she has ceased to be the only one for a man.
As a rule, they say mainly “out of fear.” And when they speak out of fear, requests sound like accusations, hints sound like reproaches, questions sound like attacks. Because of fear.
Exit? Deal with your fears - what’s going on inside your head that you started to be afraid. Let's say, maybe you've fantasized all sorts of things, but the man, as in the joke, just won't start his motorcycle? Maybe what you consider coldness is actually just thoughtfulness?
A man's love is easy to see - is he trying to make your life easier? That means he loves. Is he coming home? Does it bring money? Helps in different matters? So he definitely loves it. So what, what he doesn’t say, actions are more important than words.
Dear ladies! Before you suffer and grieve, look at what is happening with a sober look. Is a man reaching out to you? Talking to you? Hugs you? Comes to your home? Spends the night with you? Buying you a bag, boots and a sixth iPhonePlus? So, maybe this is a manifestation of his love and emphasizing your uniqueness for him? Maybe this is important? Maybe look at this, and not your fear?
Let's leave these questions unanswered - as rhetorical...
And I have everything. Thank you for your attention.
Harmony in a relationship is only achievable when both partners are equally invested. Balancing what we give and what we receive helps us develop strong, long-lasting relationships. But it happens that one of the partners in a relationship considers himself deprived. In such cases, as a rule, relationships go wrong. Mutual claims accumulate, which can develop into open or hidden conflicts. To solve the problem, you need to understand the cause and eliminate it. There may be several reasons. So, let's look at the main reasons for lack of attention in relationships.
1. You are closed.
This often happens, especially with those people who have had negative experiences in building relationships in the past. Psychological traumas from the past, if not healed, can affect our future and present. A person subconsciously closes himself off from all attempts to show attention, and it is not surprising that the partner simply stops making them over time.
2. You yourself do not pay enough attention to your partner.
It is natural that a person who does not receive proper attention himself will not show it in return. Someone has to take the first step and start paying attention. Therefore, if you lack a warm and caring attitude from your partner, start giving it to him, and he will reciprocate.
3. You constantly criticize your partner for his attitude towards you.
The easiest way to alienate a person is to start criticizing him without a break. If you lack attention, then criticism, hysterics and blackmail will not get it. Moreover, you will alienate your partner even more and close his heart. Relationships destroyed by criticism and eternal claims are very difficult to restore.
4. You are not talking about lack of attention.
This problem usually has its roots in a person's childhood. When the parents of a child who is not yet speaking try to guess his wishes every time and offer various options at the moment of crying, he expects this from all people, even in adulthood. After all, for a child, parents are the whole world, and it is from them that he learns how this life and relationships with people work. But this is easy to fix - don’t expect your partner to figure out the lack of attention on his own, talk to him. Even the closest people cannot read our thoughts and plunge into our experiences.
5. You compare your partner to other people.
Most often, women are involved in this unproductive activity. “Look, Tanya’s husband gives her roses every weekend, and when did you buy flowers for me?” - phrases of this type will not have a positive effect. This will only lead to the partner closing himself off. Nobody likes to be compared to someone better than them. Instead, you can simply talk about what you would like, without using anyone else as an example.
6. You put everything on yourself.
Also a typical female problem. At first, the ladies take on a huge, overwhelming burden of responsibility, and the men give in under their pressure. But then these women complain that they don’t have enough care, that it’s hard for them and that they wish everything were different. There is no need to assume that you will do better than your partner. There is no need to shoulder an unbearable burden. Just trust the person you are going through life with and ask him for help and care.
7. You push your partner away.
At the beginning of building a relationship, partners are always attentive to each other. But when one of them constantly stumbles upon the fact that the other does not accept manifestations of attention, his desire to care gradually fades away. Again, consider the example of flowers. The man brought the woman a beautiful bouquet, and the lady scolded him for excessive spending and casually reminded him that she would like new boots, not flowers that will wither in a week. After a while, when the happy owner of the boots forgets about the ill-fated bouquet, the man will not buy her flowers, but will concentrate on practical gifts. Therefore, you should not push away a partner who shows signs of attention, whatever they may be.
8. You don't say thank you.
A lot of people live with the ossified belief that they are owed everything. The husband should take care, give gifts, provide, and give compliments. The wife should be supportive, caring, patient, beautiful, cook dinner and at the same time remain affectionate. The root of this is ingratitude. When we think this way, it means we take manifestations of attention for granted. But, in fact, the manifestation of attention is the will of a person and his gift, and one must feel gratitude for it.
9. You are self-obsessed.
Excessive concentration of attention on one’s own person leads to the fact that the partner considers himself unnecessary, superfluous, and he loses the desire to care. Moreover, when a person is self-centered, he may not notice the manifestation of care, and demand more and more. The egocentric’s partner himself experiences a lack of attention, and in order to somehow balance this, he will try to take care of himself. These processes occur subconsciously, so people may not be aware of what is really happening. The situation can be changed by introspection and observation of relationships, as if from the outside.
10. The person doesn't love you.
It is fashionable today to create marriages and build relationships without love. Falling in love and enduring it is only in films. In real life, love does not grow out of nothing. In order to grow love, a seed is needed - a person’s personal decision. Time will not make your partner love you. Persuasion will not make him become more attentive to you if he does not love you. There's no point in waiting for anything. Love - it either exists or it doesn’t.
Remember school. Any lesson, let’s say geography. Maryivanna is working - with a concentrated look she talks about something important, pointing at a map on the board with a pointer. What about the audience? Someone is listening diligently. Someone is looking out the window. And someone (usually in the back desk) has fun folding paper airplanes from notebook sheets and launching them around the class, or “unnoticed” sneaking across the row to pass a note. The teacher is indignant - is it really difficult to listen?
It turns out that it can be difficult. Inability to sit still for a long time or concentrate on some process may be a sign of the so-called attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD, sometimes also called distracted attention syndrome). Previously, this was talked about only as a problem that occurs in children, usually no older than 16. But in the last couple of decades, researchers have recognized: a problem that caused problems in learning at a tender age can also manifest itself in adults, preventing them from living and working and build relationships.
What it is?
ADHD is a neurological-behavioral disorder With like this symptoms:
- difficulty concentrating,
- increased activity,
- poorly controlled impulsivity.
Again, it was traditionally believed that ADHD was 2 times more common among boys than among girls. Modern research shows that this is not entirely true. The fact is that young ladies, as a rule, are more diligent. In other words, they strive more to be good - obedient daughters, good students. Therefore, some of us may have experienced this syndrome in childhood without even knowing it - it happens that girls, trying to behave correctly and study better, somehow overcome the symptoms of ADHD. And - lo and behold - difficulties with concentrating may go away forever. But in some cases - according to various sources, this happens in 50-60% of those who encountered the syndrome in childhood - problems can remind themselves when we become adults.
“According to statistics, the frequency of ADHD among schoolchildren ranges from 3 to 12% in different countries, and 4–5% in the adult population. It is known that both genetic predisposition and the environment in which the child grows and develops are responsible for the development of the syndrome. Considering that the generation of the difficult 90s has grown up, it can be assumed that the prevalence of the syndrome is increasing among adults, however, no epidemiological studies have been conducted in our country,” says Konstantin Makhinov.
“The syndrome arises due to certain features at the level of the brain structure,” continues Mark Sandomirsky, Ph.D., psychotherapist of the European Registry. – In such children, the development of coordination of the activities of its different parts proceeds a little differently: the left, “logical”, and right, “emotional” hemispheres are not sufficiently coordinated with each other, and some “distortion” may arise in their work. In addition, the activity of the cerebral cortex, its higher parts (with which we, so to speak, think) and deep structures (brain stem), which activate, “awaken” these higher parts, are not fully coordinated. If such a child or adult sits still for a long time, focusing on one thing, he may simply fall asleep, so he “disturbs” himself by restlessness or switching attention.”
What happens to the child: he cannot sit still for a long time, having started to complete a task, he is quickly distracted, interrupts in conversation, tries to answer a question without listening to the end, has difficulty waiting for his turn in anything. And those who have already left childhood often have an even more difficult time.
What are the disadvantages
“On the inside, it feels like driving a car in the rain with broken windshield wipers. Or how to listen to a radio where all channels are broadcast simultaneously,” is how, for example, people with ADHD describe their condition on the Internet. Lost or forgotten things somewhere, unpaid bills on time, chaos in the house and on the work desk, delays, unfinished tasks, unfulfilled promises... Plus another kind of “adult” problems associated with emotional instability are added.
“Such people have not only sudden changes, but also long periods of low mood and a tendency to depression,” says Mark Sandomirsky. According to Konstantin Makhinov, citizens with ADHD are at risk of developing various types of addictions, including alcohol and tobacco. Psychotherapist Sandomirsky also agrees with the neurologist: “They sometimes use alcohol or other substances to cope with emotional difficulties. We must keep in mind that this is not alcoholism or drug addiction in the usual sense, but an attempt to help oneself.” And we’re not talking about possible problems with excess weight: sitting down on the sofa with a large bag of chips or cookies, a person may not even notice how he eats every crumb, although he didn’t plan anything like that at all.
Let's continue the list with possible difficulties in relationships with others. Thus, children are usually forgiven for spontaneity and emotional instability. But now the little girl has grown up - and what is everyone around watching? People with ADHD touchy, conflictual, they feel that they are not understood, – and sometimes this is true. Well, it’s true that extravagance of behavior, originality of thinking, and mood swings will not cause puppy delight in everyone you meet. And then, people around have no idea that all the described “horrors” of behavior are simply human characteristics, and not, roughly speaking, indifference and unwillingness to be collected. “Add here an understandably difficult relationship with yourself - and all this will lead to problems with self-esteem, most often to its underestimation,” says Mark Sandomirsky.
All this also does not contribute to an “easy” personal life (or rather, maintaining a stable relationship). “Serial marriages are common, where people create and dissolve unions every few years,” Mark reports. – Men suffer less from this. In women, self-esteem drops even more. “There’s something wrong with me, I can’t start a family,” the lady thinks.” What about at work? Even being good specialists, people with ADHD often change jobs. If relationships in a team do not work out, colleagues do not understand and do not accept their behavior, then women worry especially strongly - for them this microclimate is more important than for men.
There are advantages
However, let's not continue to exaggerate. Moreover, this state also has excellent advantages. First, a person with ADHD is often a bright, unusual person who (ironically) attracts attention to himself. “The brain has powerful compensation mechanisms,” explains Mark Sandomirsky. “In trying to overcome difficulties, features become strengths.” Such people often find themselves in creative work or, conversely, in the IT field (remember the bias towards the left hemisphere). They make good crisis managers or startupers. These characters are unlikely to enjoy doing routine, monotonous work, but doing a new project or finding an interesting solution is a task for them. True, having quickly (as a rule) achieved success in their next business, these citizens just as quickly lose interest in it and strive to search for the unknown.
What should I do?
First of all, how can you tell if you or someone close to you has ADHD? “The diagnosis of this condition is based on the clinical picture (however, sometimes additional examinations are required to confirm the diagnosis). The disease is manifested by two main symptoms: inattention (a person is easily distracted by extraneous stimuli, it is difficult for him to concentrate, he often loses things) and hyperactivity-impulsivity (talkative, cannot calmly stand in line, answers a question without thinking and without listening to it), – explains Konstantin Makhinov. “At the same time, these signs are detected not only at school, at the workplace, but also at home.” Since the first symptoms appear before the age of 7 years, a pediatric neurologist should be a specialist who can help deal with this. For a mature person, the strategy changes a little - it is better to be under the supervision of a psychotherapist/psychologist and plus the same neurologist.
In adulthood, ADHD only manifests itself if it was already present in childhood - even if the diagnosis was not made then. Therefore, when visiting a doctor, you will have to remember whether there were similar problems at school and before. It is interesting that their reappearance can be triggered by some change in life: for example, marriage or, conversely, divorce, a transition to a more responsible position, or the acquisition of offspring.
“There are a number of treatment approaches, including medication, behavioral and educational therapy,” says Konstantin. – The second usually complements medication and includes work on organizational skills. It may also be useful to teach the patient a number of techniques aimed at focusing attention. But sometimes all this is a long job.”
Mark Sandomirsky gives some advice.
- Turn childhood difficulties into adult advantages, develop your own characteristics.
- Work with self-esteem, get rid of the inferiority complex (you don’t have to be “like everyone else”, everyone has the right to individuality).
- Combat mood swings, develop skills and techniques of emotional self-regulation, learn to relax.
- Age regression helps. These are exercises in which an adult feels like a child again, relives his childhood states - the work is usually carried out under the guidance of a psychologist or psychotherapist.
Concentration of attention
These tips from doctors, psychologists and people living with ADHD are designed to help anyone who sometimes has difficulty concentrating.
- Write it down
Make lists of all your tasks, important and unimportant, urgent and not so urgent. In this case, it is better to start with global opuses (for example, for a month), then break them down into weekly ones, and then into every day. You should check your to-do list for tomorrow the night before, and then check off what’s done item by item. Some people find it helpful to have a fancy board with post-it notes or squares of paper attached with thumbtacks. It can be hung in front of your desk or by your bed. The task is completed - the piece of paper is removed from the board. - Divide
As you take on each new task, break it down into several simpler goals and determine in what order it is most logical to complete them. A primitive example is to dismantle a littered table. First: put away unnecessary papers and trash. Second: collect the necessary pieces of paper. Third: sort the last ones, and so on. This way, a task that seems difficult at first - that is, one that you don’t want to start at all (and the table remains cluttered for weeks) - ceases to look inaccessible. - Take breaks
While working, rest every hour and a half (some people need breaks at intervals of 30 minutes). Not in order to be distracted from things even more often, but with the goal of learning to do them not when you have to, but when you need it. During this “free” time, it’s better to get distracted, take a walk, and finally do some exercise. When plunging into work again, evaluate what has been done and remains - this will cheer you up. - Remind yourself
Are you afraid to leave your home, leaving it unlocked or with the appliance not turned off? Hang a note on the door: “Iron, light, keys, window, water” - and check it when leaving the apartment. The main thing is that the piece of paper does not flash past your eyes on the way out. And from time to time, rewrite the list on a piece of paper of a new color and in a new order, so as not to get used to it and not perceive the action as a formality. - Show some forethought
Find out (and write down in several places) the telephone numbers of the Lost and Found Bureau of the metro and ground transport. Try not to take documents with you unless necessary - use copies. - Rely on those around you
Let's say you often lose phones, wallets, notebooks and other important things. Sign all the items that you would not want to lose. Public experience shows that in most cases, a person in whose hands a lost item ends up will be happy to return it to its owner if he finds a contact to contact. - Throw away everything unnecessary
If you find it difficult to concentrate while working, try to neutralize distractions before getting started. Close tabs with social networks and instant messengers on your computer. Remove unnecessary books and papers from the table. Colleagues' conversations are distracting - use earplugs to distract yourself. For some, music disturbs them even more; for others, a calm melody in their headphones helps them avoid listening to their neighbors’ conversations. Set yourself a certain time when you will check your personal mail and read your friend feed - say, three times a day: in the morning, at lunch and in the evening. - Find an outlet for excess energy
This is if your obsessive friends are impulsiveness and hyperactivity. Try to find a hobby that gives you an outlet for energy. This could be dancing, running, or other physical activity. Our expert Mark Sandomirsky recommends kundalini yoga and dynamic qigong. However, if you have ADHD, before you seriously engage in any sport, you should consult a doctor. - Ask for help
If you are worried that you will forget an important thing, ask a friend to call you at a certain time and “make sure” that the item is in your bag. If you are afraid to think and pass the desired stop, ask a pleasant-looking neighbor on the transport to tell you when to get off. And at the same time, it is not at all necessary to tell everyone the details of your subtle mental organization. Some adults with ADHD admit that they do things that require special concentration better when someone close to them simply stands nearby, as if silently reminding them not to be distracted. But, of course, if something fails over and over again, despite all the tricks and tricks, you should seek advice from a neurologist, psychologist or psychotherapist.
Have you noticed similar dissatisfaction with men? Do you feel like they don't like you? They spend little time with you, don’t talk about what’s really important to you, forget about you, don’t give you gifts, don’t pay you enough attention, don’t pamper you?
I don't want to upset you, but it seems like you've completely forgotten about yourself. Remember the last time you bought yourself flowers? Did you arrange a trip to the cinema or theater? When did you give yourself a gift? No, not from resentment that no one else gave it to you, but from the overwhelming feeling of love for yourself, from the desire to pamper yourself, to please. How long ago, looking at your reflection in the mirror, did you tell yourself the compliments that you would so much like to hear from men?
Since childhood, we have been taught to look for answers to questions, somewhere outside, outside. When we got a bad grade, we were given a textbook to cram. If we had a headache, we were offered to take a pill. We are not used to looking for answers to questions within ourselves. We are not used to looking for resources to satisfy our desires and needs within ourselves. But we have perfectly learned to project our inner desires onto other people. Especially for men. When we stop devoting time to ourselves, we often begin to make claims to a man, as if he had completely stopped devoting it to us. When for some reason we stop pampering ourselves and begin to feel an urgent need for it, we also begin to make claims to the man for this.
But the paradox is that in those moments when women make claims to men, men do not want to give their care and love. Men seem to feel that a woman has no self-love, she doesn’t take care of herself, doesn’t respect herself, doesn’t pamper herself. And no matter how offensive it may be, no man is able to satisfy a woman’s hunger for self-love.
But you yourself are able to satisfy this hunger to the fullest! Start observing what complaints you most often make to men? Most likely, these are the forms of manifestation of self-love that you currently need.
And also perform a simple but very effective practice:
- Write 7 specific manifestations of love that you would like to receive from men.
- In the next 7 days, carry out these manifestations in relation to yourself.
- After a week, you will only be surprised at how much men’s attitude towards you has changed.
The world is a mirror. Treat others the way you want them to treat you. Treat yourself the way you want others to treat you! And, most importantly, ! Then others will love you too.
