And also strangers. If there were no hope for help and mutual assistance, it would be difficult for people in difficult times to cope with their problems; they would not be able to survive it on their own. Not everyone can find the right words that help show compassion. However, only your presence will replace all phrases prepared in advance.
The right words in difficult times
How can you support a person with words if you cannot see him? You can give advice and show mutual support over the phone. The most important thing is that the support is not false, but sounds very sincere. You can ask if you might need some help. The inadequate emotional state of a person who has something happened does not always give him the opportunity to adequately evaluate everything that is told to him. In this case, the intonation and rhythm of the voice are important, while exerting a hypnotic effect on it and calming it.
They are supported not only by words in difficult times, but also by the very readiness to provide help and protection. Just the fact that you will be with a person will add strength and a little confidence to him.
What words can you use to support someone? There are several phrases that are customary to say in such situations: “I sympathize”, “Time heals wounds”, “I’m very sorry”, “With time everything will subside, everything will pass” and many others. But if a person does not feel sincerity while hearing these phrases, then they will not have any positive impact on him.
Choose your words carefully
Before you say anything, think carefully, put yourself in that person’s shoes. To console you in this situation? It is necessary to interest him, to “hook” him into a wonderful future, to tell him what changes and new good situations await him. Every woman, if she breaks up with her husband after many years together, feels oppressed and that her life has been cut short. She doesn't see anything good in the future. And ordinary support will not help her; a special plan should be applied that will help get out of the situation.
The phrase “Calm down, pull yourself together, everything will pass” should not be said, since there is no specific future in it. You can talk about how at this age life is just beginning, that there are good moments ahead. At forty or fifty years old, with rich life experience, it is easier to find a life partner with whom you can create a strong and reliable family. Offer to go shopping, stop by a beauty salon while shopping, put on some beauty so that the abandoned wife feels like a princess again.
If a person's loved one has died, stay close to him and help organize the funeral. Very often they help bring a person out of despair of tasks and issues that urgently need to be resolved. Say that your friend’s family needs support. If you play the role of a comforter, the friend himself will provide support and think about responsibility for his family.
Which ones are not worth it? the site will tell you how to provide moral support to a person in a difficult situation.
Grief is a human reaction that occurs as a result of some kind of loss, for example, after the death of a loved one.
4 stages of grief
A person experiencing grief goes through 4 stages:
- Shock phase. Lasts from a few seconds to several weeks. It is characterized by disbelief in everything that is happening, insensibility, low mobility with periods of hyperactivity, loss of appetite, and problems with sleep.
- Suffering phase. Lasts from 6 to 7 weeks. Characterized by weakened attention, inability to concentrate, memory and sleep disturbances. The person also experiences constant anxiety, a desire to be alone, and lethargy. Stomach pain and a feeling of a lump in the throat may occur. If a person experiences the death of a loved one, then during this period he may idealize the deceased or, on the contrary, experience anger, rage, irritation or guilt towards him.
- Acceptance phase ends a year after the loss of a loved one. Characterized by restoration of sleep and appetite, the ability to plan your activities taking into account the loss. Sometimes a person still continues to suffer, but attacks occur less and less often.
- Recovery phase begins after a year and a half, grief gives way to sadness and a person begins to relate to the loss more calmly.
Is it necessary to console a person? Undoubtedly yes. If the victim is not given help, this can lead to infectious diseases, heart diseases, alcoholism, accidents, and depression. Psychological help is priceless, so support your loved one as best you can. Interact with him, communicate. Even if it seems to you that the person is not listening to you or is not paying attention, do not worry. The time will come when he will remember you with gratitude.
Should you console strangers? If you feel enough moral strength and desire to help, do it. If a person doesn’t push you away, doesn’t run away, doesn’t scream, then you’re doing everything right. If you are not sure that you can comfort the victim, find someone who can do it.
Is there a difference in consoling people you know and people you don't know? Actually, no. The only difference is that you know one person more, another less. Let us repeat once again, if you feel strong, then help. Stay nearby, talk, involve in common activities. Don't be greedy for help, it is never superfluous.
So, let's consider methods of psychological support in the two most difficult stages of grief.
Shock phase
Your behavior:
- Don't leave the person alone.
- Touch the victim unobtrusively. You can take your hand, put your hand on your shoulder, pat your loved ones on the head, or hug. Monitor the victim's reaction. Does he accept your touch or does he push away? If it pushes you away, don’t impose yourself, but don’t leave.
- Make sure that the person being consoled rests more and does not forget about meals.
- Keep the victim occupied with simple activities, such as some funeral work.
- Listen actively. A person may say strange things, repeat himself, lose the thread of the story, and keep returning to emotional experiences. Avoid advice and recommendations. Listen carefully, ask clarifying questions, talk about how you understand him. Help the victim simply talk through his experiences and pain - he will immediately feel better.
Your words:
- Talk about the past in the past tense.
- If you know the deceased, tell him something good about him.
You can't say:
- “You can’t recover from such a loss”, “Only time heals”, “You are strong, be strong.” These phrases can cause additional suffering to a person and increase his loneliness.
- “Everything is God’s will” (helps only deeply religious people), “I’m tired of it,” “He will be better there,” “Forget about it.” Such phrases can greatly hurt the victim, since they sound like a hint to reason with their feelings, not to experience them, or even completely forget about their grief.
- “You are young, beautiful, you will get married/have a child.” Such phrases can cause irritation. A person experiences a loss in the present, he has not yet recovered from it. And he is asked to dream.
- “If only the ambulance had arrived on time,” “If only the doctors had paid more attention to her,” “If only I hadn’t let him in.” These phrases are empty and do not carry any benefit. Firstly, history does not tolerate the subjunctive mood, and secondly, such expressions only intensify the bitterness of loss.
Suffering phase
Your behavior:
- In this phase, the victim can already be given the opportunity to be alone from time to time.
- Give the victim plenty of water. He should drink up to 2 liters per day.
- Organize physical activity for him. For example, take him for a walk, do physical work around the house.
- If the victim wants to cry, do not stop him from doing so. Help him cry. Don't hold back your emotions - cry with him.
- If he shows anger, don’t interfere.
Your words:
How to comfort a person: the right words
- If your ward wants to talk about the deceased, bring the conversation to the area of feelings: “You are very sad/lonely”, “You are very confused”, “You cannot describe your feelings.” Tell me how you feel.
- Tell me that this suffering will not last forever. And loss is not a punishment, but a part of life.
- Do not avoid talking about the deceased if there are people in the room who are extremely worried about this loss. Tactfully avoiding these topics hurts more than mentioning the tragedy.
You can't say:
- “Stop crying, pull yourself together”, “Stop suffering, everything is over” - this is tactless and harmful to psychological health.
- “And someone has it worse than you.” Such topics can help in situations of divorce, separation, but not the death of a loved one. You cannot compare one person's grief with another's. Conversations that lead to comparison can give the person the impression that you don't care about their feelings.
There is no point in telling the victim: “If you need help, contact/call me” or asking him “How can I help you?” A person experiencing grief may simply not have the strength to pick up the phone, call and ask for help. He may also forget about your offer.
To prevent this from happening, come and sit with him. As soon as the grief subsides a little, take him for a walk, take him to the store or to the cinema. Sometimes this has to be done by force. Don't be afraid to seem intrusive. Time will pass and he will appreciate your help.
How to support someone if you are far away?
Call him. If he doesn't answer, leave a message on his answering machine, write an SMS or an email. Express your condolences, communicate your feelings, share memories that characterize the deceased from the brightest sides.
Remember that helping a person overcome grief is necessary, especially if this is a person close to you. In addition, this will help not only him to cope with the loss. If the loss also affected you, by helping another, you yourself will be able to experience grief more easily, with less damage to your own mental state. And this will also save you from feelings of guilt - you won’t reproach yourself for the fact that you could have helped, but didn’t, brushing aside other people’s troubles and problems.
In life we often face various obstacles. This could be job loss, illness, death of a family member, financial troubles. At such a moment, it is difficult for a person to find the strength to move on. He so needs support at this moment, a friendly shoulder, warm words. How to choose the right words of support that can really help a person in difficult times?
Expressions that should not be used
There are a number of common phrases that first come to mind when you need to support someone. It's better not to say these words:
- Don't worry!
- Everything will work out! Everything will be fine!
At a time when the world has collapsed, this sounds like a mockery. The man is faced with the fact that he does not know how to solve his problem. He needs to think about how to fix everything. He is not sure that the situation will turn out in his favor and he will be able to stay afloat. So, how will the empty statement that everything will work out help? Such words sound even more blasphemous if your friend has lost a loved one.
- Do not Cry!
Tears are the body's natural way of coping with stress. You need to let the person cry, speak out, and give free rein to their emotions. He will feel better. Just hug and be close.
- There is no need to give examples of people who are even worse off
A person who has lost his job and has nothing to feed his family does not care at all that children are starving somewhere in Africa. Anyone who has just learned of a serious diagnosis is not very interested in cancer mortality statistics. You should also not give examples that relate to mutual friends.
When trying to support a loved one, remember that at the moment he is morally depressed by his problem. You need to carefully select your expressions so as not to accidentally offend or touch on a sore subject. Let's figure out how to support a person.
Words that will help you survive the turning point
When our loved ones find themselves in difficult situations, we are lost and often do not know how to behave. But words spoken at the right moment can inspire, console, and restore faith in oneself. The following phrases will help you feel your support:
- We will get through this together.
In difficult times, it is important to know that you are not alone. Let your loved one feel that you are not indifferent to his grief and that you are ready to share all the difficulties with him.
- I understand how you feel.
When you are in trouble, it is important to be heard. It's good to have someone nearby who understands you. If you have found yourself in a similar situation, tell us about it. Share your thoughts and emotions at that moment. But there is no need to tell how you heroically dealt with the situation. Just let them know that you have been in your friend’s shoes. But you got through it and he will get through it too.
- Time will pass and it will become easier.
Indeed, this is a fact. We no longer even remember many of the troubles in life that happened to us a year or two ago. All troubles remain in the past. Sooner or later we find a replacement for a betrayed friend or unhappy love. Financial problems are also gradually being resolved. You can find a new job, pay off a loan, cure an illness or alleviate its symptoms. Even sadness from the death of a loved one passes over time. It is important to survive the moment of shock and move on.
- You've been in worse situations. And nothing, you did it!
Surely your friend has already faced obstacles in life and found a way out of them. Remind him that he is a strong, courageous person and is capable of solving any problem. Cheer him up. Show him that he can survive this difficult moment with dignity.
- It's not your fault what happened.
The feeling of guilt for what happened is the first thing that prevents you from looking at the situation soberly. Let your loved one know that this is how the circumstances developed and anyone else could have been in his place. There is no point in looking for those responsible for the trouble; you need to try to solve the problem.
- Is there anything I can do for you?
Perhaps your friend needs help, but doesn't know who to turn to. Or he doesn't feel comfortable saying it. Take the initiative.
- Tell him that you admire his endurance and fortitude.
When a person is morally depressed by difficult circumstances, such words inspire. They are able to restore a person’s faith in their own strength.
- Don't worry, I'll be there right away!
These are the most important words that each of us wants to hear at a turning point. Everyone needs someone close and understanding nearby. Don't leave your loved one alone!
Help your friend approach the situation with humor. Every drama has a little comedy. Defuse the situation. Laugh together at the girl who dumped him, or at the pompous director who fired him from his job. This will allow you to look at the situation in a more optimistic light. After all, everything can be solved and corrected while we are alive.
The best support is to be there
The main thing we say is not with words, but with our actions. A sincere hug, a timely handkerchief or napkin, or a glass of water can say more than you think.
Transfer some of the household issues to yourself. Provide all possible assistance. After all, at the moment of shock, a person is not even able to cook dinner, go to the grocery store, or pick up children from kindergarten. If your friend has lost a family member, help with funeral arrangements. Make the necessary arrangements and just be there.
Gently shift the person's attention to something mundane that is not related to his grief. Keep him busy with something. Invite to the cinema, order pizza. Find a reason to get outside and take a walk.
Sometimes silence is better than any, even the most sincere words. Listen to your friend, let him speak, express his emotions. Let him talk about his pain, about how confused and depressed he is. Don't interrupt him. Let him say his problem out loud as many times as necessary. This will help you look at the situation from the outside and see solutions. And you just be close to your loved one in a difficult moment for him.
Olga, St. Petersburg
Tim Lawrence, a psychotherapist and journalist, wrote an article in which he talks about how you can really help a person experiencing grief. He warns that you need to be more careful with common phrases that are usually uttered for support - they can hurt even more.
We are publishing an article by Tim, who himself experienced the loss of loved ones at a young age and knows what we really need in difficult times.
I listen to a psychotherapist friend of mine talk about his patient. A woman was in a terrible accident, she is in constant pain and her limbs are paralyzed. I've heard this story ten times already, but one thing always shocks me. He told the poor woman that the tragedy had led to positive changes in her life.
“Everything in life happens for a reason,” these are his words. It amazes me how deeply ingrained this platitude is, even among psychotherapists. These words hurt and hurt cruelly. He wants to say that the incident forces the woman to grow spiritually. And I think this is complete nonsense. The accident broke her life and destroyed her dreams - that's what happened and there is absolutely nothing good about it.
Most importantly, this mindset prevents us from doing the only thing we should do when we are in trouble: grieving. My teacher Megan Devine says it well: “Some things in life cannot be fixed. This can only be experienced".
We grieve not only when someone close to us dies. We indulge in sadness when loved ones pass away, when hopes are dashed, when a serious illness strikes. The loss of a child and the betrayal of a loved one cannot be corrected - it can only be experienced.
If you are in trouble and someone tells you the following well-worn phrases: “everything that doesn’t happen is for the best”, “this will make you better and stronger”, “it was predestined”, “nothing happens for nothing”, “you need to take responsibility for your life”, “everything will be fine” - you can safely cross this person out of your life.
When we say things like this to our friends and family, even with the best of intentions, we are denying them the right to mourn, be sad, and be sad. I myself have experienced a huge loss, and I am haunted every day by the guilt that I am still alive, but my loved ones are no longer alive. My pain didn't go away, I just learned how to channel it through working with patients and understand them better.
But under no circumstances would it have occurred to me to say that this tragedy was a gift of fate that helped me grow spiritually and professionally. To say this is to trample on the memory of loved ones whom I lost too early, and those who faced a similar misfortune, but could not cope with it. And I'm not going to pretend that it was easy for me because I'm strong, or that I became "successful" because I was able to "take charge of my life."
Modern culture treats grief as a problem to be fixed, or as a disease to be cured. We do everything to drown out, repress our pain or somehow transform it. And when you suddenly face misfortune, the people around you turn into walking platitudes.
So what should you say to friends and family who are in trouble, instead of “everything in life is not accidental”? The last thing a person crushed by misfortune needs is advice or guidance. The most important thing is understanding.
Literally say the following: “I know you’re hurting. I am here with you".
This means that you are willing to be there and suffer with your loved one - and this is incredibly powerful support.
There is nothing more important for people than understanding. It does not require any special skills or training, it is simply a willingness to be nearby and stay nearby as long as necessary.
Stay close. Just be there, even when you feel uncomfortable or feel like you're not doing anything useful. In fact, it is precisely when you are uncomfortable that you should make an effort to stay close.
“I know you're hurting. I'm near".
We so rarely allow ourselves to enter this gray zone - the zone of horror and pain - but this is where the roots of our healing lie. It begins when there are people who are ready to go there with us.
I ask you to do this for your loved ones. You may never know it, but your help will be invaluable. And if you ever get into trouble, find someone willing to be there for you. I guarantee he will be found.
Everyone else can go.
Often relationships between two lovers collapse simply because the woman does not understand the differences between female and male psychology.
After all, in the life of any active man there are ups and downs, regardless of the current level of achievement, and it is important for him to extend a hand correctly in difficult times, taking into account the peculiarities of male psychology.
What to do if a man gives up? How to be useful to a guy? What to do if a man fails to achieve what he wants? I will reveal these and other subtleties in this article.
Classics of the genre
Honey, did something happen to you?
Nothing special…
Yes, I can read everything from your face and eyes! What's happened?
Calm down, everything is fine...
Are you, as usual, hiding something from me?! Let's confess!
So at one moment the girl uses all the dubious techniques: curiosity, raised tone, obsession, tense intonation, nagging. A whole portion of inappropriate behavior instead of basic words of support for your man.
And he is dejected, a dark streak has come in his life, a real “emotional pit” from which he cannot get out.
And the person closest to him, his woman, with the best intentions of supposedly “helping”, digs the grave of the relationship. Although she herself doesn’t know about it, she tries with all her might to do something for the good.
Dear girls, let me make a reservation right away, this is not your fault. You do the best you can. But…
If you want to most correctly support a man, so that a man leaves his “cave” as quickly as possible and at the same time begins, continue reading the article.
6 types of women who want to “support” their husband or man
In my opinion, there are several types of behavior of representatives of the fair sex when a man unexpectedly needs support for his passion.
Sometimes such “assistance” looks more than funny from the outside, so I invite readers to take an ironic look at each of the types and try to guess themselves or their friends among them.
Woman advisor. She is sure that she knows better how a man should live. How to communicate with employees and your mother. Well, it seems like she knows better.
Often such women gather in the ladies' lounges and express surprise to each other that their men do not understand how to build their own destiny.
The woman is a bad teacher.“I told you...”, “You didn’t listen to me...”, “I was right...”.This one, who is wailing, is ardently convinced that she is thereby teaching a man not to make mistakes in the future.
Woman friend. “Come on, why are you upset? Everything will be OK. Life goes on. Happens to everyone."Sort of like a friend in a female form. Often such women were friends with boys in childhood. “Manners” were adopted from there.
Female psychologist. Dear girls, if you ask a man the following questions, then this is about you. "Do you want to talk about it? What's bothering you? Let's discuss this?
After this, you will most likely interrogate the “patient” in detail, ask a series of leading questions, do a subtle analysis according to Freud, organize constellation techniques, RPT, Gestalt therapy and apply other psychological tricks.
Your man literally falls into the hands of an experienced doctor who sorts him out.
And now he already regrets that he entrusted himself and his dark thoughts to his beloved woman, who, with the precision of a surgeon, divided the whole world into black and white. In addition, the psychologist forgot that she initially attracted the man as a woman, and not as a specialist in some area of life.
A compassionate woman. If you want to see the mirror reflection of your face, distorted by the agony of suffering, then you need to go to her. She will sincerely express her concern, she is not indifferent to any details about your trouble.
And therefore she is ready to listen to a man for hours and nod in response, stroke the top of his head and wipe his tears with her handkerchief. You can cry non-stop into the compassionate woman’s “pity.”
Pressing her lover to her chest, the woman thinks: to show her indifference means to upset the man even more. And they sit together in their one mourning.
Rescue woman. She often has all of the above skills and looks all-powerful. But besides everything else, she also does everything she can for her chosen one. And for your chosen one.
It is not a problem for her to write a resume for a man and send documents to rating companies if the man is suddenly fired. She will not hesitate to take a loan or give her money to her loved one’s startups.
“He’s a dear person to me!..” Yes? 🙂
We place accents
Well, did you recognize yourself in at least one of the points? Or maybe I missed some type? You can add about this in the comments.
And remember the most important things.So, what do you need to understand before I give a competent model of female behavior?
Still, he is a representative of the stronger sex, therefore he must always and everywhere demonstrate exclusively his own competence. And don’t allow yourself to be weak, even though you are nearby trying your best to become his faithful assistant.
Let me give you a clear example.
I have a friend Katya, who previously worked as a business consultant. So... Men also turned to her.
The “strange thing” she shared with me was that men were very offended when she started counseling, but were very grateful when she simply listened to them. It is important for a man that at a difficult moment you hear him, listen and listen to him.
The benefits of such a woman’s behavior sometimes far exceed the benefits of her own advice. Why? If you are observant, you have noticed more than once how closed men become in times of failure and testing.
And not only nature is to blame for this, having conceived and created them this way, but partly the women themselves: perhaps your man once shared his painful issues, but what did you do in response? We listened - this is already an incredible amount, thank you very much.
But! Immediately, as soon as they stopped listening, they began to advise without asking for it. And the man instantly concluded that it was better not to share absolutely anything next time. It's much safer to become a snail. Do you understand now?
How to support a man competently and effectively?
1. Try to gently ask about his experiences- without hysterical notes in the voice, without feline curiosity and the desire to “ask for the sake of asking.”
2. Listen- peacefully, sincerely, with an understanding look and silent participation.
3. Express faith in him as a man- truly, with optimism and motivation for his further victories.
4. Do not doubt that he will cope with any trouble and misfortune- show steadfastness in your support, be unshakably confident in your hero.
5. Know and see him as the smartest man in the world- without exaggeration, wanting to take the side of the one who always makes the right decisions.
Report from one of my training participants:
But what to do if all the tips listed do not work because the man has closed himself off and is annoyed by any of your attempts to “help”?
Expensive:). And when he finally comes out of his “bunker”, begin to lament joy and continue to love.
P.S. I am not writing all this to make life easier for “poor men.”
Vice versa. This is part of what leads to a truly harmonious relationship, when the man is purposeful and successful, and the woman is happy, beautiful and protected. And love is long-lasting (and not the first - a month, a year or three).
That's all. Thank you for reading my works. Happiness and love to you.
Write in the comments what kind words do you have in your arsenal for your loved one?
Read the top materials on my blog:
