Divorce after 30, when you are still young, is one thing, but a breakup after so many years of marriage is another, and today this is exactly what we will discuss in the women’s club “Those Over 30”. It would seem that thirty years of life together is quite an impressive baggage, but very often marriages break up. And in most cases, everyone feels sorry for the woman.

But, if we recall the famous quote by Faina Ranevskaya, it is clear to everyone what is hidden under even the most beautiful tail, and sometimes ex-wives do not perceive the breakup as painfully as the malicious environment would like. On the contrary, they are flourishing.

Of course, usually a woman who has lived with her husband for quite a long time thinks with fear about what will happen if they divorce. This is the rule.

And divorce after 30 years, when it seems that you have yet to meet “the right” person, is a kind of attempt for a woman to correct her mistake in time and try her luck with someone else.

It's sad that some women who are already over 50 look at life after divorce as a death sentence... Now let's talk about the reasons.

Let’s not even consider the banal “they didn’t get along.” Let's try to dig deeper. And by the way, this explanation is more suitable for those who have been married for much less than thirty years.

Of course, there is also such a common reason: “gray hair, …” - everyone knows the rest well. Yes, this happens too.

It seems to a man, especially if he has money, even if it’s small, that he’s like expensive cognac, only getting better with age. And he gets himself a girlfriend who is half his age. Only he doesn’t understand that she is not able to appreciate his entire “bouquet”, but only looks at the “price tag”.

If this was moonshine bottled in 1964, it is unlikely that she would have coveted such a “drink.” And we must pay tribute - many men eventually realize that their life with a young woman will not be as they imagined in their dreams. If the wife does not rush into a divorce, perhaps he will return to the family. And even after the separation, when the ex-wife lives happily without him, she will begin to bite her elbows.

But here’s another question: do you need it?

Sometimes divorce after 30 years of marriage is brewing at the beginning of their life together, which is impossible to break up. Parents think that they will feel better and calmer this way. They live together “for the sake of the children” - and this is the main tragedy of such families. Tension and mutual dislike are so thick in the air that it seems you can take a knife and cut this atmosphere into pieces. But now the children grow up - “the project is completed.” And people break up.

Quantity vs. Quality

There are people who proudly say: “My parents have been married for 30 years.” One can only be sincerely glad if they lived, as they say, in perfect harmony. And if you lived, how did you serve your time, like in prison? Then, after the end of this “period,” divorce after 30 years of such ordeals and torment becomes like release from prison. At least get a tattoo as a keepsake and have a great feast!

And all because the number of years lived does not guarantee that they have been lived well. And now we are not talking about the fact that quality means no quarrels. Correct quarrels, on the contrary, only allow you to better understand each other, and this is not a reason to give up on living together.

Something else is worse.

The spouses no longer receive, and it is possible that they never received, joint pleasure. And it's not just about regular sex. It is a myth that men are looking for him and only him on the side. Mistresses are sometimes taken in order to share some joys that the spouse considers uninteresting. By the way, the opposite situation also happens: women take lovers.

In order to save the family and prevent a breakup after 30 years together, it is necessary to lay the “foundation” at the beginning of married life. Enjoy travel, family accomplishments, or even yoga together. Just don’t force this pleasure on each other. Try to look for common ground - those pleasant things that will bring you closer together, and not provoke a wave of discontent on anyone’s part.

It also happens that in the process of family life, one of the spouses “relaxes”, settles down and becomes uninteresting not only for his partner, but also for himself. It doesn't develop. And the other, on the contrary, becomes a multifaceted personality.

A conflict of worldviews and views on how everything should happen in general arises. And then divorce after 30 years of marriage seems like the right solution. But there is also a downside - perhaps the wife (or the husband helped) contributed to such development, being a reliable rear.

Of course, even today it is generally accepted that divorce is some kind of tragedy. And often what keeps people together is public opinion. No one wants to be judged, and although in fact an internal break has occurred, externally the family still seems to exist. And the sad thing is that a pivotal moment nevertheless comes - a “bloody” point in the relationship, “sawing” of property, scandals and tears. It’s rare that someone manages to cope with a divorce after 30 on a calm note.

For those over 30 – a club for women over 30.

Hello. Please, please help me with advice. I don't know how to live further. We lived with my husband for 30 years and raised two children. And now he fell in love with someone else, no, not younger, but even older than me. He openly leaves the house and goes to her. We have become bad. This makes my hair stand on end. I just can’t bear it all, my heart is sick. I've already had heart surgery, and I'm about to have another one soon. A lot of diseases, complete deafness. I was simply paralyzed by fear: how will I fare? After all, I always went everywhere with my husband, it’s difficult for me to communicate with people, communication is mainly with doctors. The husband wants to get a divorce, but he says that he will live here, he has nowhere to go, and he doesn’t say why. Well, how can we live like this? This is unbearable! We live in different rooms, he simply took me out of the common room. In the hospital 3 years ago I was infected with hepatitis C, now he is afraid of getting infected. I can't think of anything else, I feel like I've gone crazy. I can’t get distracted, I don’t work, I’ve been on disability for many years. Help! What to do?

Answers Larisa Kolesnikova, psychologist, [email protected], www.vitality.lv

Hello!

Desperate letter... When we are at the forefront of a life crisis, we see our situation very narrowly, often catastrophically, even panicky. We experience despair, depression and anxiety, we are tormented by obsessive thoughts about our situation, insomnia, illnesses worsen... At such moments in life, we do not see the future, it seems that there is no way out. At such moments, we experience our loneliness, dependence on others and loss more acutely than ever.

You can understand - illness, disability, isolation and - betrayal of a loved one. We have the right to expect from our spouses that they, as they say, will be with us “in sorrow and in joy”, will be faithful “until death do us part.” However, no matter how bitter it may be, the partner has the right to end his obligations to us, to choose another life, another woman. It is difficult, but must be accepted. You need to take this bitter pill - accept his choice - otherwise your “cure” is impossible. Accept and stop waiting for him to change, return to you, be a devoted husband and help you in illness. Perhaps this will happen someday, but for now it would be important to let him go.

And then learn to live without him. Not physically, but primarily psychologically. Learn to cope without him, look around, look for other resources, opportunities for help from other people - children, girlfriends, acquaintances, social workers, psychologists, neighbors, priest...

There are crisis centers in Latvia where you can receive free consultations from specialists. It is possible to receive inexpensive consultations from psychologists starting to practice or students of the Faculty of Psychology. It is possible to receive crisis consultations in writing if this is not possible via Skype or telephone. If it is difficult for you to seek help, ask your children or someone else who is nearby. In a word, turn to people and seek help.

Support can and should be sought not only in other people, but also in other activities. Communication, helping other people, hobbies can become truly healing because they expand our lives. We should not allow the world to narrow down to one single person who leaves us (and is not always worthy of us). When we look at one point, we do not see what is beyond it, we do not see other possibilities.

A person who has never been divorced in his life is very rare,” says family consultant Vyacheslav Moskvichev.

It’s true: I, Vyacheslav himself, and Kirill Khlomov, my second interlocutor, all have this experience. But it is generally accepted that marriage is always good, and divorce is always bad, and the first question that psychologists are asked on this topic is: why do people get divorced? It is clear that each couple will find their own reason or write the trivial “they don’t get along.” And yet, what exactly needs to be lost in order to, after living a common life for many years, admit: it’s all over?

By and large, there are only three reasons for which family relationships are maintained, says Kirill Khlomov. - The first is if people can enjoy it together. It doesn’t matter what: from sex, from power, from travel or joint meditation. The second reason is joint development. When one partner develops the other. Ideally, both each other. It’s bad when this development is imposed. For example, one person develops the other “into power, into publicity,” but the partner does not want this. If we consider the president’s divorce as an example, it is possible that Lyudmila Putina did not want such a “development.” And the third reason, the most common, is raising children together. But when the children grow up, the spouses have no common field of activity. And this really feels like the completion of a project: goals have been achieved, but new meanings have not been found.

Family psychologists, of course, do not advise divorce at every opportunity and even, on the contrary, call for saving the family, looking for compromises and finding common themes and values ​​that will help develop relationships. But if it becomes clear that there are no internal resources to save the family, divorce turns out to be the best solution. Including for children.

Divorce is a civilized designation for changes in relationships, says Khlomov. - And marriage is not a way to own a person. But in our country, despite the divorce statistics, people do not know how to separate. Firstly, it is scary, and secondly, it is condemned by society. In the eyes of society, a stable marriage is a sign of a person’s decency and trustworthiness. Especially if this person occupies a high position. Thus, the reasons that keep spouses together are not internal, but external. Which sometimes creates unbearable tension in the family. And if it comes to divorce, it turns out bloody.

Crises of family life have long been described, although they are just as conventional as a midlife crisis: the first year - possible disappointment in a partner, three years - they could not establish relationships, seven years - the question of whether there are children and, if so, how they are to be decided raise, ten years - fatigue from each other has accumulated. After 20 years of marriage - the children have grown up, old age is approaching - the question is increasingly heard in my head: “Why am I really living, what am I spending my years on, of which there are not many left anymore?!” And the thought of divorce as the beginning of a new life, a new youth seems to be a solution to the problem and gives a feeling of immortality: everything can start over again. You don't have to grow old.

Vyacheslav Moskvichev names three risk factors for marriage “over 30 years”: children leaving home, financial well-being and meeting “the real one, the one I’ve been looking for all my life” - an often younger person who gives hope: life can be lived anew. That is again.

Moreover, money plays a very important role here,” Moskvichev emphasizes. - God forbid, strong material stability, and even worse - wealth, and a person thinks that he is omnipotent, can fix everything and arrange it by providing financially for his ex-wife and children. After all, in our country, marriage is also a form of survival. Especially when spouses reach retirement age and a joint pension makes it possible not to be extremely destitute in old age.

In general, “love until the grave” is a very complicated thing. There are two extreme and harmful stereotypes associated with it: fate decides everything, you need to choose “your person.” And if a marriage falls apart after 30 years, it means there was no real love. They were mistaken, therefore. Or on the contrary: any relationship can be built if you do it right. As always, the truth is in the middle: you need to build correctly and with someone with whom you can actually do it. But people change throughout their lives. And - which is actually the main reason for “age-related” divorce - they change at different speeds.

In Russia, despite all the feminist fads, it is men who make their careers, says Moskvichev. “But the whole family is working to implement it.” He begins to perceive himself differently, his environment, the degree of publicity, self-esteem, and self-image changes. Harshness and intolerance often appear. But the wife did not marry the boss, she knows another person. Women often show a different direction. They are looking for spirituality: yoga, church, psychology courses, personal growth. As a result, they live parallel lives, have different values ​​and a lot of loneliness. In order to somehow correlate these changes, energy and desire are needed.

A family cannot be built on one project, says Moskvichev. - A family is more like a team with many projects and the constant creation of new ones. If after 30 years of marriage a divorce occurs, most likely this is only a fixation of what has already happened before. That is, people became strangers gradually and, most likely, lost contact a long time ago.

However, even if divorce is civil and brings the desired release for both, it is always traumatic. And it is experienced as a loss.

A spouse is not just someone who lives nearby, he is a witness of life in the smallest detail, explains Kirill Khlomov. - A person himself may not remember everything about his life as well as his companion. It all happened in reality, and the partner’s memory is like a document, like evidence. To lose it is to lose a part of yourself, even if the breakup itself will bring relief. But it is impossible to get rid of something unnecessary without losing something important. Everything has its price.

Divorce should not lead to the devaluation of the entire long experience, adds Moskvichev. - I always ask divorcing spouses: “What would you take with you?”

The problem is that high-ranking wives are unlikely to turn to a family psychologist: personal information is too closed, unless it is a foreign psychologist.

What do you think the president’s divorce means for the country—in a psychological sense? - I ask Khlomov.

On the one hand, officials who maintain relationships for the sake of status may decide to divorce. On the other hand, it is possible that stupid subordinates will begin to act like monkeys and “honest actions of real men” who “consummate their marriages” with old wives will rain down like from a cornucopia.

When friends ask how I managed to live with my husband for so many years, I usually joke that it cost me a lot of gray hairs. It is not easy for a man and a woman to exist under the same roof; we are very different. But here, like the classic, “happy families are alike,” which means the recipes for a long marriage are approximately the same for everyone. To be more tolerant of each other is, perhaps, the main condition.

According to statistics, about 80% of unions break up. Agree, the figure is impressive. How to avoid becoming one of the couples for whom living together has become a burden? Is there a surefire way to save a marriage? Psychologists have conducted research and found that long-living families have common traits.

There are not many of them, these are:

  • The ability to negotiate and find a solution that suits both parties.
  • The desire to take care of each other, to put the interests of the family above their own.
  • The desire to support the other half in all endeavors.
  • Common interests and life values.
  • Love without conditions, consent to accept a real person next to you, and not a desired ideal.

Did you have a fight? There is a reason to talk

Conflict is as much a part of marriage as sex. Resentments and mutual claims happen in any couple.


But some sooner or later find a solution, others break up at the first difficulties, flatly refusing to look for a compromise together.

In my younger years, my married friends would run to their mother whenever they had a disagreement with their spouse. I also had this desire, only my parents lived 1000 kilometers away. Think about it a hundred times, the light is not near. We had to quickly establish relationships. My girlfriends' ceremonial departures with suitcases ended in divorce. Once or twice the young husbands went to fetch their faithful ones, persuaded them, and apologized. And then they waved their hand: “to mom, that means to mom.”

“To get married means to halve your rights and increase your responsibilities by the same amount.”
A. Schopenhauer

Stop gossip and criticism

Even if there are difficulties in your relationship, do not allow others to speak negatively about your significant other. Show that you have always been and will remain on the side of your loved one. The support of parents, friends, girlfriends is wonderful. But they may have completely different tasks. They don’t need to take care of your couple.

Needless to say, how many families were destroyed by their zealous criticism of mothers-in-law and mother-in-law. Of course, mothers only want the best for their children. But you chose your husband or wife yourself.


Explain calmly and confidently how much from a loved one. Moreover, you should never convey what others have said to your spouse. The words: “My mom was right when she said...” have destroyed more than one marriage.

Freedom without borders

Psychologists note that in a happy family there are no strict rules and responsibilities for all its members. There are no restrictions or boundaries here, but there is trust, acceptance of each other with all the shortcomings and advantages.

Of course, freedom should not be confused with permissiveness; this could end unexpectedly in disastrous ways.

I remember how one of our friends complained that his wife kicked him out of the house, how he joked then “for lack of attendance.” A comrade went to rest at a camp site, forgetting to warn his wife about this. While he was warming his belly on the sand, his missus was calling morgues and hospitals. Upon return, suitcases and a verbal blessing were waiting for the tourist on the doorstep for a long journey.

“The couple, who had been married for 50 years, were asked what the secret was? We got married at a time when it was not customary to throw away broken things, they were simply repaired.”
L.N. Tolstoy

Psychologist and I - let's argue with experts

Mountains of works have been written on the topic of gender relations. Advice on how to save a marriage from crown to grave is given immediately to an audience of millions of readers. But all families are different, what is good for some is unacceptable for others. I will bring to your attention several of these ambiguous postulates and will try to refute them using the example of my own long marriage.

“Keep silent, remain silent, remain silent”...

Unlike Galich’s song, where this advice has a negative connotation, in our family life it works to maintain peace and tranquility. Experts advise discussing problems with your spouse and sharing your feelings. But it seems to me that our grandmothers lived happily ever after with their husbands only because there were no psychologists in their time.


A simple example: my husband is a workaholic, this is very annoying. If I had been a little more talkative, we would have lived apart a long time ago. If I started explaining, proving and trying to convince an adult man, what would this lead to? Only to the fact that my husband, having learned about my dissatisfaction, began to feel guilty. Would the situation itself change? I'm sure not.

A man needs to be educated

This is worthwhile advice if your spouse is stuck in adolescent-level psychological development. It doesn’t work with a person whose habits have already been formed, don’t waste time. At the very beginning of our life together, I decided to stop my husband from throwing his socks anywhere. I looked for them everywhere and put them in the basket with the dirty laundry. My collecting was accompanied by lectures on how there should be order in the house. One day the socks disappeared. I was happy, deciding that the moral teachings had worked. But the next day, while cleaning, the loss was discovered behind the curtain in the living room. We still laugh about this incident, but the question of a “rookery” for socks has never been raised again.

Responsibilities in the family are divided equally

I may not be very wise or particularly modern, but a man washing dishes does not excite me.


There are responsibilities that are purely female. I agree, there are more of them, but we work the same way. And yet, cooking, washing, cleaning are not the best activities for the stronger sex. However, there is no need to go to extremes either. The spouse is not obliged to work like a bee for days, at work during the day, and do housework the rest of the time. Ideal order is not the main condition for a strong family.

Beauty or the Beast

Curlers, an old robe without buttons - an unattractive image of a spouse that is written about in all books on the psychology of relationships. It's funny to read such advice. Our grandmothers wore simpler clothes at home, and cosmetics were in short supply and were used only when going out. At the same time, marriages broke up much less often than now. So it’s not about how you look, what you’re wearing, but about how you behave.

A smile and a good mood work better than lace negligees, makeup, and impeccable hair. There is no need to go to extremes either, but clothes for the house should be, above all, comfortable.

If you go to the left, you will lose your family

Treason is a controversial issue, often discussed. It just so happens that women are not forgiven for cheating. They won’t stone you to death, thank God, but they won’t mince words.


Experts in the field of psychology of family relationships, for the most part, share traditional views. It is believed that a wife’s betrayal destroys a family faster than a dozen similar “zigzags” of the stronger half.

From personal experience I will say that in order for the “leftist” to have a beneficial effect on your marriage, the main thing is not to feel any remorse in this regard. You can call me shameless, but I don’t regret anything.

My lovers are worthy men who met along the way at a certain period of time. There were emotions, love, sparkling eyes, glowing skin and a light gait. I wouldn't forgive myself if I missed my chance. My marriage did not collapse after that; on the contrary, it changed qualitatively for the better.

“Marriage is a contract whose terms change daily.”
Brigitte Bardot

Based on other people's experience

Watching my colleagues, I learned what irritates men the most. As it turned out, this is not at all a homely outfit and not a lack of culinary abilities.

Having collected all the claims of husbands to their wives, I present them in order of frequency of mention:

  • “She chats all the time about nothing, with me, with her friends, with her mother on the phone. It's very annoying" . Men generally don’t like to talk idle, except with friends. There is no point in being offended by this; it does not mean at all that you are not loved, not trusted, or considered stupid. Just take it for granted - that’s how he is, it’s difficult to correct an adult, and it’s not necessary.
  • “No matter how much money you give, it’s still not enough” . Here I understand men, it’s a shame to work for a month only to have your money flow away in an unknown direction. Why can’t we make sure that all expenses are clear and set up home accounting? Better yet, ask your spouse to manage the household finances themselves. Believe me, in a month he will say: “Darling, how did you do it?”
  • “First they drive us under their thumb, and then they demand us to be men” . But it’s true, 100 rubles for cigarettes, given daily by the wife, is a strong blow to male self-esteem. If you want a strong shoulder to lean on, why twist your neighbor into a ram’s horn. Who knows where the designated part of the body will end up.


“Family life will not be happy if husband and wife do not get to know each other’s habits and character before marriage.”
O.Balzac

Transformation of love

At my wedding, my father’s brother told us: “I no longer remember whether I loved my wife, but I feel sorry for her, especially when she is sick. Uncle and aunt lived together until their death, I think they were quite happy together. On the eve of my own pearl anniversary, I can say with confidence that ardent love in marriage is not the main thing. Attraction passes, mutual understanding, friendly support, trust remain. If nothing comes to replace the first hot feelings, the marriage is doomed. Maybe someone manages to maintain their passion until the end of their lives, but this is extremely rare.