The situation is probably quite ordinary, but I haven’t been able to emotionally escape from it for many years. I have a loved one (friend, person, ex-lover?) who is 3 years older than me. We have known each other all our lives (we lived in the same building), but we started communicating when he was in the 2nd year and I was in the 11th grade. He studied in another city 1,500 km away, and I had the teenage “no one understands me.” Against this background, we began to maintain communication at the “hello, how are you” level. Along the way, I had a boyfriend, he also had a relationship. Gradually we fell in love, he began to come home more often because of me, first sex, everything... This continued throughout my 3rd year and his 5th. At the end of the 5th year, he said that he was going to graduate school, and accordingly, he remained there for another 2 years. My imagination at that time was already picturing the Mendelssohn march and a white dress in the near future. I couldn’t move in with him, he didn’t particularly invite me either (only to “stay” for a couple of days, plus, it was an ordinary student dormitory). We realized that our interests diverged, and we stopped communicating for a year. Then I met my future husband, and after graduation we got married. Communication with that guy at the end of my studies was restored to the level of “hello, how are you”, he knew about the wedding, etc. and said that he was very sorry that then both of us were not smart enough to preserve love. That year, when we didn’t communicate, he had “great love” with another girl, they even lived together for a couple of months, but according to his assurances, “it was a whirlpool, a passion, not like with you then - bright and pure feelings". Due to the fact that before the wedding I did not need mental tossing, I very abruptly stopped communicating with him, he understood everything. But again, after six months, everything was restored to the “hi-hi” level (this time I was the initiator). The last two years everything was in purely friendly relations (no flirting, nothing like that), we work in a similar field and sometimes consulted and referred clients to each other, I got used to counting on his “male shoulder.” I recently got into a major accident that was my fault, and he helped resolve ALL my problems, while my husband did NOTHING, but was just wildly stupid and naive about the situation. Because of this, I had a wild hysteria, and I lived with a friend for two weeks, he came and said that his passport was clear, so if I wanted, he was ready with both the dress and the Mendelssohn march. He himself now periodically lives with different girls. I categorically don’t want to get a divorce, I love my husband very much, although, to be honest, his “man’s shoulder” was of no use in 4 years of marriage, I decide everything myself and could only rely on that guy, he never let me down. In general, for the last two months I don’t know what to do. My husband knows that this is my girlish love, and that we communicate at work, but nothing more. My husband is wildly angry that I used his help then, but I had no other choice. Because of this, we have scandals all the time now, I understand him, but I still can’t forget how he folded his hands and that guy pulled me out. And it is impossible to live with this in marriage. Now my husband suggested starting all over again, finally going on maternity leave. But I don’t want to give birth to a child, I’m afraid that something will happen again and my husband won’t help, and I’ll have to again rely on the help of that guy and excite the youthful feelings for him associated with this. This is the dilemma.

Olga, Saratov, 27 years old / 05/17/17

Our experts' opinions

  • Alyona

    Olga, in my opinion, you talk a lot. “I love my husband, but he’s stupid and useless, and I’m even afraid to give birth to him.” Don't you want to listen to yourself from the outside? You don't love your husband. You just don't want to change anything. And you don’t believe your first man that he will really be ready to take some serious steps for you if you destroy your family. You didn't choose for love. You chose the one. Who invited you to get married? If the first one, while preparing for the wedding with the second one, suddenly didn’t just start chatting that he “regrets that he didn’t keep the relationship,” but acted confidently and convinced you that he WANTS to marry you. You wouldn’t marry a worthless dull man who is useless in the household. And since there were no movements, you simply interrupted communication so as not to foolishly change your mind. And now he is not asking you to marry. You perfectly understand the value of his words “my passport is clean, I’m ready for both the dress and the march,” especially when in parallel with this he lives with one girl or another. He is not asking you to marry, Olga. He is checking to see if you are still his property. And you are afraid that if you leave your husband and come to your ex and say: “I’m free, give me your passport, let’s go to the registry office,” it will turn out that he is not ready for such a turn of events. Therefore, on the one hand, you don’t want to live with your husband and you don’t need children from him, because it will tie you to him, and you don’t want to have such an anchor, you want to be able to get away from him at any time. On the other hand, you don’t want to look like a fool who will leave her husband and be left with nothing, since the friend is not reliable (showing dust in the eyes, helping to solve problems is not the same as wanting to live happily ever after with you , it is so?).


No, perhaps, first of all, about how we were looking for a second man in our MFM.
I think this should also be told, it’s quite funny.

If you think that it is easy to find a third person in a couple, despite the fact that no one is asking to get married and, in general, does not seem to oblige you to anything, then this is very wrong.
Finding a third one is, in general, an almost impossible task. Especially on the Internet (and you understand that’s where we went first).
And it’s not easy because he, the third, should be bi, at least in the active. Well, there are absolutely no problems with this (yes, I said that we have bi - can you even row with a shovel?).
And the problem is not even that both should like him, but he should like both.
Men are less picky in this regard, so it’s up to a woman to choose who she would like to see on herself, and Andrey and I more or less have the same tastes.

Ideally - and we have discussed this more than once - we would find one and permanent family friend. So that the person is pleasant, and both like him, and can do something.

And yes, to be free. It is necessary.
Firstly, we don’t need any stranger’s woman. Andrei is not attracted to her (and if she was, she would fucking kill her!), and I have no idea what to do with her, that is, by nature, I’m still not bi, and women don’t excite me, even though I have experience . Secondly, everything is as usual: with a married person it is more difficult, he is not really the master of his time.

So, as practice shows, it is generally difficult to find one and a permanent one in such a format (in fact, is it necessary?).
It’s very difficult to find a stray here.

It’s not easy because, in principle, it’s the same problem as single women.
Of course, we care who will be third with us, and the fact that he has a good penis is not everything. Besides, whoever sees that dick there. And those who show without asking are immediately and firmly ignored, because everything is clear with you, friends.
Yes, we need to sit, talk, get to know each other a little. Perhaps nothing will happen.
Andrey also believes that if a man wants to join, then it should somehow not be like a mating, and he should at least not come empty-handed. Because sit, drink, talk. And I completely agree with him. We are, of course, “out of love,” but.

And the people who, dripping saliva on the monitor, write “well, well, well, where are you,” and are rushing to come, well, right now and after hello... and right through the screen you can feel how it’s smoking there - well, with them everything is clear too. We’re at home, we’re waiting for you, we won’t wait, but what?
In short, no fuss or rush.

Mamba, in this regard, rotted a little less than completely. I would even say a little more. Somehow we foolishly started a profile there, in which we wrote that the couple was looking for friends. Exclusively men.
No, they write. But damn... Actually, we have to deal with everything that single ladies face in search of life partners or just partners.
And if, simply, sexual begging in the case of a couple almost never happens (oh, no, I’m lying! All sorts of slaves are asking for it), then sexual trading blooms in full bloom.
They bargain in a standard way: what if I come, will there be sex? This is despite the fact that no one else, in general, promises you anything, they just talk to you about life.

For some reason, this usually starts over the phone.
When the stage of “talking in the questionnaire” has already been passed, it seems that the person is more or less normal and we give him a phone number.
This is where the main problem of all single girls usually comes up: bargaining.
We communicate fifty-fifty, sometimes I, sometimes Andrey.
Once, I almost spat when I pressed end call after a short conversation.

He mimicked: “Are we sure we’ll get busy? And you won’t refuse later, when I arrive?”

“Well, oh my,” he says, “wow, what... the guy just took it and shit into the phone receiver, it just started leaking... It will happen, but it won’t... Yes, be a man, come, talk, have a drink, tell a joke, Everything will be fine for you if you are normal. But no, I have to fight, will I get something when I come to them, and bargain, bargain...”
In general, I began to strongly sympathize with women. I didn’t think so, he says there’s so much shit around.

By the way, those who take a phone in reserve cause a special a * y. Do you know why? No, this is some kind of joke, honestly.
Follow the thought: he approaches the couple to pick up the phone, call later and try to negotiate with the woman one-on-one.
They are extremely amazed when Andrey answers.

In general, there are a lot of such deer who don’t realize at all that since there are two of us, then we will meet together.
That is, at least one will be present and observe, and in general, of course, will join. Both here and there.
For some reason, many people don’t realize this.
What is absolutely, sincerely amazing are men who write to a married couple, but at the same time, even at the stage of correspondence, they flatly do not want to communicate with their husband or “is it possible to send him somewhere?” Or “I’ll come, but don’t let him touch me.”
This doesn’t even mean what you thought, but that you don’t touch it at all.
I wonder why the hell you were going to see the couple then? Why not search among single ladies?

Although I understand why they target couples. For many, this is like a flag “it’s easy here,” that is, since it’s already clear that the search is far from a relationship and marriage, then with the rest it’s much easier, just whistle and they’ll give you one.
When something breaks down, they often don’t understand why.
To summarize: we didn’t find anyone from Mamba. We didn't even meet anyone from there.

In fact, thematic sites are not a solution. More precisely, an even greater bottom. From there we didn’t meet anyone either. And I sincerely don’t understand how people manage to find someone there. And do they manage to?
In general, all the inadequate freebies flock there. The feeling is that they are sitting and herding, and they also start communicating right away, getting down to business. As in the joke: neither “hello” to me, nor “thank you” to you, nor “goodbye” to us.
It's even worse with these. These immediately send their especially valuable dicks. The face - not always, but the fuck - please.

And it’s even harder to talk to them: after all, it’s a thematic place. And to explain to someone there that you must first, at a minimum, be liked in communication - finally, the task is unrealistic.
Like, since you’re here, what the fuck is communication? Well, where are you?
That's why begging happens there. It’s like: “Here, I just registered, I want to try it, please.”

Therefore, in fact, we only had two such experiences in a year. And both are not from thematic sites.
But about experience - that's tomorrow.

How to choose a wife so as not to suffer later on what pitfalls await a man in marriage, said Bishop Panteleimon of Orekhovo-Zuevsky.

A good wife is a man's reward

Finding a good wife is the most difficult thing in life! But then, if you make the right choice, there will be a reward for life. There is nothing better in the world than a kind, good wife.

Career, money, football, friends - all this is nonsense. The main thing is a family and a wife who is loving, kind, understanding, sacrificial, caring, affectionate, and a good mother for children.

This is why you can and should work hard. Unless a man has chosen the path of a monk, when for the sake of God he renounces worldly attachments and does not start a family.

You need to choose your wife carefully

There is no need to meet at random. You shouldn’t offer your hand and heart to everyone and, looking at the reaction, choose a wife from among those who agree. You play it safe, but what does it feel like for a girl? Will you confuse her and give her hope in vain?

Girls are gentle, trusting creatures, they quickly fall in love and are very worried when their feelings are not reciprocated. Women have a more subjective view of reality than men.

They trust their feelings more, so they easily believe that someone has fallen in love with them and is going to propose.

Remember this: meet girls, but be very, very careful.

I have had many such cases when a girl came to me and said:

There is a young man, I really like him, I would like to marry him.

Does he want you to become his wife? - I ask a question.

I think he likes me too, he smiles at me all the time.

I call the young man:

There is such and such a girl, do you like her?

So so…

Why are you smiling at her?

I smile at everyone.

Be careful not to smile at everyone. Be restrained and careful, do not make unnecessary promises.

If you are looking at an Orthodox girl, I advise you to go to her parish before meeting her. Look who she goes to for confession, talk to this priest. Tell him that you like this girl. Ask if you can meet her. Maybe she’s already engaged, waiting for a groom from the army, and that’s why she’s walking around alone. Or maybe she is not in the mood to get married and is preparing to become a monk. The confessor will warn you about this and give advice that will help you avoid getting into an awkward position.

But the point is not only that the girl’s confessor will give you advice. It is important to find out with whom your future wife will solve spiritual and family problems.

It is very good to find out what kind of person this is, what kind of priest this is. Is he strict, are you ready to recognize his authority.

Find out more about the girl before you meet. Look what she writes on her social networks, who her friends are, what her interests are. It happens that a girl looks Orthodox, but on her page you don’t understand what: she is “actively searching” and believes that she can demonstrate her beauty and discuss some inappropriate topics. This happens, unfortunately, be careful. Before you meet, take a closer look, think, weigh the pros and cons.

How to take the first step?

It is better not to start with a decisive step. This is very obliging. Sometimes friends invite single people to visit specifically with the intention of introducing them. In this case, both know what meeting they are going to, and it becomes awkward.

It's better to chat casually. For example, you found out that the girl is a volunteer. Sign up to volunteer, go to meetings, sit next to a girl during a tea party or at a concert, talk casually.

When you take the first step - inviting her to a movie or for a walk - you are already imposing some obligations on yourself.

Therefore, it is better to get acquainted casually, gradually. So as not to hurt the girl, do not reassure her in vain if you cannot marry her later.

Don't look for perfect looks

Some people like blondes, some like brunettes. Some are slim, some are plump. I had a friend who was looking for a wife with glasses. He thought that if she wore glasses, she would certainly be smart. Someone would like their wife to sing beautifully.

But you shouldn’t focus on the girl’s appearance. You need to pray to God and ask that the marriage be according to the will of God. It is most important. First of all, you need to think about what kind of heart she has, does she know how to love sacrificially, does she love children, is she ready to raise them, is she neat, is she ready to respect your opinion? These qualities are necessary in marriage.

No matter how beautiful a girl is, you won’t put her in a corner and admire her for thirty years.

Eventually, she will age, her hair will turn grey, and her figure will change. But you are not getting married to brag to your friends, but to live your life next to her. So that she loves you, so that she tolerates you, so that she cooks for you, so that she helps you. You yourself are far from “Apollos”.

It's best to be the same age

Archimandrite John (Krestyankin) said that an age difference of more than five years is already some obstacle to marriage. This is not an absolute obstacle, but it is still better for the wife to be about the same age as her husband.

Of course, it also happens differently. So, let's say, the famous Moscow shepherd, wise and experienced confessor, Archpriest Vsevolod Shpiller was ten years younger than his wife Lyudmila Sergeevna. Their marriage was very happy, they loved each other very much.

But I also know other cases: when young men, having chosen a wife 5 or 10 years older than themselves and received a blessing for this marriage, then began to court young girls and the marriages were destroyed. This happens, unfortunately.

Who to consult?

I am very afraid when they turn to the so-called. The “elders” easily bless two people unknown to them for marriage. One must be very careful with such “blessings.” In our age, you need to create a family with a girl for whom you have a feeling of love, and not with the one whom “father said” to marry.

Sometimes there is physical hostility towards another person; there is something subtle about him that you don’t like. Someone else may not notice this, but you notice and you feel uncomfortable, unpleasant to be around. Someone sniffles, someone picks their teeth with a toothpick, someone straightens their clothes in an unattractive way...

You need to make a decision by relying on God, by praying, but by yourself. You don’t choose your parents, you don’t choose your children, but you can choose your wife. And this choice is very serious. Talk to your confessor, consult with your parents.

Your mind and heart must approve of your choice

Love must be combined with reason. You can't act based on feelings alone.

When they say: “This feeling is stronger than me! I can't handle this! - this is not true love, but a sinful passion: deceptive, selfish and exalted. Love must be in harmony with reason.

But there can’t be a purely rational choice: yeah, she’s beautiful, rich, humble, meek, she has a good confessor, she has an apartment, her parents are rich, she’ll do! I'm getting married! And the heart is silent.

No, you need to have a feeling for the girl, and your mind needs to agree with it. When there is agreement between mind and heart, this is exactly the right choice.

Probationary period – one year

My advice to you is to wait at least a year to get married after you have already proposed. Sometimes this period can be reduced, but it is better to wait. Women are fickle people. Much depends on their mood: in the spring they are alone, in the fall they are different, in the winter, perhaps, they become despondent, and in the summer, on the contrary, they become overly active.

And don't forget that when a girl wants to please you, she can make a deceptive impression on you.

She will look into your mouth, agree with everything you say, and treat you very respectfully. And then everything can change.

It’s good to do something together at this time. Participate in common projects. Find an opportunity to be with the girl in both business and leisure.

You can go to museums together, you can go to the theater or the skating rink, and talk more. It is important to see a person in a variety of life situations.

Pay attention to how your chosen one communicates with her parents, with her friends, what she likes, how she dresses, how often she goes to church, how she spends her free time, how she spends her vacation. Otherwise, you may end up marrying a girl you don't know at all. And in marriage, your life together will become complete torture - your habits will be so different and incompatible. Therefore, I repeat once again: there is no need to rush.

First kiss - at the wedding

It is very important during the dating process - all this year before the wedding - to maintain chastity. Learn chastity. The first kiss is allowed only at the end of the wedding.

I'll explain why. Man has certain mechanisms that were created by God. Not bad mechanisms, good ones. They are needed so that there are children, so that there is an expression of love, so that people unite into one, not only in soul, but also in body. There is nothing wrong.

But these mechanisms should turn on only when you have chosen your wife as a person, and not as a partner to satisfy carnal desires. Although, of course, marital relationships are a very important component of family life, marriage is also a school of chastity, marriage is also a school of abstinence.

Sooner or later, close relationships will end - well, at sixty, well, at seventy, at eighty years old, maybe. Therefore, you cannot base a family on them.

Physical relationships are a consequence of marriage, they are natural in marriage, but should not be the main thing. The main thing should be love for your wife, care, attention, sympathy, the desire to learn to love.

The joy of a marital relationship is short-lived and short-lived, but you will have to live with this person for the rest of your life. There is also the joy of friendship, the joy of spiritual communication, the joy of working together, raising children.

Once you get married, kiss to your health!

When you have confirmed your decision to connect your life with this girl, God and your parents have blessed you - then after the wedding you can start all the mechanisms, kiss your health! Maybe you shouldn't do it for show. At our parish weddings they don’t shout “bitterly”, and the newlyweds behave with restraint. And before the wedding, you need to avoid everything that can strengthen carnal feelings and lead to serious sin.

Some people say: “You have to try it in advance whether it will work or not.” This is not a Christian approach at all. You can and should pray to God that “everything will work out.” And we pray during the sacrament of marriage for the unity of souls and bodies.

But physical relationships are often the source of grief in marriage. Over time, some of the spouses become bored with them and become unnecessary, but for others, vice versa. There are bound to be some inconsistencies here. There is no need to be afraid of this.

Just don't make this side of the marriage dominant.

If carnal desires begin to be cultivated before marriage, a person loses chastity, integrity of consciousness, and becomes one-sided. The spiritual, spiritual component of his human nature is diminished in him. The mind and higher feelings are clouded by lustful passion. Marriage is not based on true, selfless love, but on the desire to satisfy the flesh. I think this is the main reason for the destruction of families in our time.

Therefore, it is important to develop friendly, trusting human relationships before marriage. Then the carnal aspect will become their natural completion and will take its correct, appropriate place in the entire spectrum of family relationships.

Prodigal passion is a dark moonless night, it crushes the soul with its weight, makes a person a slave to the rebellious flesh, deprives him of freedom, rejects him from communication with God, and plunges him into the hopeless darkness of impurity. The close relationships of spouses are blessed by God, express their desire for complete unity, and find meaning in the conception of the fruit of love - a child. Here the flesh follows the soul, is purified in the fire of love, and serves as an expression of love.

The joy of close marital relationships, inspired by love for the closest person in the world, was never dreamed of by fornicators and harlots, for whom all pleasure comes down to satisfying carnal needs.

Husband's first duty

Remember that your first responsibility as a husband is to love your wife. Women are different. They know how to love stronger, they are more tender, often more faithful. They have a beautiful, active soul. They are more attentive, more caring. And more fragile, weak.

A man who is going to get married must be ready in advance to protect his wife, understand her weaknesses, tolerate her shortcomings, listen to her experiences, and console her.

She needs to be firm in matters of principle, but in small things - let her do as she pleases. If he wants it differently, please.

A wife must certainly have an area of ​​activity in which she decides everything herself.

With small children, for example, let him deal with it as he sees fit. Don't get involved. When they grow up, you will study with them, tell them, explain, etc. In the meantime, while they are still babies, leave the wife the opportunity to make decisions for herself. Support her.

Don't be afraid to be affectionate

When you first meet a girl, you are ready to talk to her for hours. And when she becomes your wife, it turns out that you are more interested in going to your friends.

But wives are really looking forward to your attention. They complain to me in confession: “When he comes home, he’s silent, doesn’t say a word.”

Before entering the house, stand on the landing and read the “Our Father” three times.

No matter what happens during the day at work, you should come home joyful and hug your wife.

You can give her a bouquet of flowers, chocolate or whatever she likes.

Gifts should be given to your wife not only on her birthday, but more often, in order to somehow support her. Because it will be very difficult for her at home with children.

You are at work, you have friends and acquaintances there, maybe you didn’t work, but sat on the Internet all day. You have an interesting life there, but with your wife everything is the same every day - children, cleaning, kitchen.

This is not so easy for a modern woman.

Therefore, at home you must support your wife, help wash the dishes, clean up. Don’t say that “this is a woman’s business, my business is to work, your business is to take care of the house.” It is not right. The traditional distribution of gender roles is no longer working.

Don't be afraid to be different - don't be afraid to be affectionate, gentle, caring and help your wife. When you come home, do not demand services from her. Be sure to talk to her.

You talked enough at work, and she had no one to talk to at home. And don’t blame her for talking a lot on the phone: women have a greater need to talk than you and I.

I should note that it also happens differently. One woman complained to me that her husband, when he came home, pestered her with conversations and questions, but she wanted to rest. Therefore, my advice to talk more and communicate with your wife is not absolute. You need to understand how you can please her - conversation or silence, and choose what she needs now.

There is no need to immediately eradicate shortcomings

Take your time.

One man told me that his wife began to snore over time. At first he woke her up, and then he thought: “I’m waking her up, but she’s tired. I'd rather be patient a little.

Even if I don’t sleep, she will get some sleep.” And he stopped waking her up.

He told me that he felt very good in his soul, as if he had accomplished some ascetic feat. Even such small feats of sacrificial love are very important in family life. And the family will become stronger. By the way, through his prayers, his wife stopped snoring.

Make sure your wife gets some rest

Don't interfere with your wife's acceptable entertainment.

Women love to go to stores and do shopping. And let her walk, you don’t have to walk with her, you can sit in the car and wait until she returns.

It is important to understand that for a wife this is relaxation, an opportunity to escape from the household routine. Maybe this is not entirely correct, but this is how women have fun and relax.

Another relaxation option for some women is to read something on the Internet. The main thing is that she doesn’t go there for the whole day. To do this, do not give your wife a bad example, try not to stay too long online. I have seen families where everyone has their own tablet, they sit, drink tea, and everyone looks at something on their tablet. I'm afraid there is no communication in this family.

Don't shy away from childbearing

A marriage should have as many children as God gives. You need to discuss this topic with your wife before marriage so that she is ready for it. Find out in advance if she agrees. Living otherwise is a sin.

Having children is salvation for a woman. She may be losing outer beauty, but gaining inner beauty - the beauty of the soul. Mothers of many children are very wise women, very good, reliable, wonderful, amazing people.

When carrying a child, a woman does hard work. This needs to be remembered. During pregnancy, a woman becomes irritable, nervous, and easily loses her temper. You need to be especially careful, affectionate, gentle with her. Especially be patient with her during this period.

But when the wife gives birth to a child, she will blossom so much - you simply cannot be overjoyed. There are such wonderful women after childbirth - amazingly beautiful, amazingly complacent, amazingly joyful. And the child himself also brings joy to the family. Each new child is a completely new person, unlike anyone else, special.

Stay home and pray

I would not allow my wife to give birth at home. There are very sad cases. And I don’t think the husband should be present at the birth in the maternity hospital. Even if the wife really asks. It's better to avoid this. I was once at a birth when there was a danger that the child would die, and he had to be baptized immediately. The spectacle is not for the faint of heart.

You need to pray at this time. It’s not like I sent my wife to give birth and went to celebrate with friends. No. This time should be spent in prayer: pray to God, read the canon of the Mother of God, prepare the house for the arrival of your wife, call her. But you shouldn’t be present at the birth.

During pregnancy, you can discuss this issue with your wife and come to an agreement. You can prepare for childbirth together, go to courses together, but then stay at home and pray.

Don't give reasons for jealousy

Be very careful when interacting with other women. Don't give reasons for jealousy. So that you cannot even be suspected of anything. Because if you act freely with other women, it may seem that you are neglecting your wife and you are interested in someone else.

Until you get married, friends come first for you. But when you get married, your wife will always come first.

You can visit alone, meet with friends, but think about what your wife will do at this time? If she gets bored, then you will have to reduce the time spent with friends.

You need to love your wife more than friends, more than work, more than other relatives.

If she has her own entertainment and her own friends, then you can split up the time and spend the evening or weekend separately. I know that some mothers with many children are very happy about the opportunity to be alone at home, but, of course, we also need to arrange a holiday together.

In marriage a person becomes himself

Marriage solves many problems, but new ones arise. Marriage is not a solution to all problems, but a transfer of life to a different quality. In marriage, a person becomes himself.

Marriage allows a person to know himself. When your “alter ego” appears—your wife—you will see a reflection of yourself in her.

In a family man - a husband - qualities develop that are impossible to develop in oneself without the wife given to him by God.

You have to be ready to die for your wife

When you choose a wife, you need to understand that you must be ready to die for this woman. But it's not worth risking your life in vain. If you die and she is left alone or with the children, she will face difficult trials. It is easier for a man to live alone than for a woman. Previously, widows were even a special category of sufferers, whom the Church especially helped.

Of course, your sacrificial attitude towards your wife should not be expressed only in words, but also in deeds, in prayers, in the readiness to really lay down your life for her and do everything for her. You don’t need to specifically talk about this, but you need to tune in to it internally.

You must understand that you choose a wife once, and you will not have another wife. Priests generally do not have the right to marry a second time. The Church allows a widowed man to find another wife for the sake of his children. But it’s still better for the marriage to be the only one.

Greetings to the male half of the site's readers In My House! Are you still single? Then we go to you! But not empty-handed. We have a guide for you on how to find a wife - get it and sign it. Enjoy reading!

When the number of socks scattered around the apartment reaches a critical level, and store-bought dumplings already make your stomach turn, every man turns his thoughts towards starting a family. At first, he mistakes these fleeting thoughts for clouding his mind, but each time it becomes more and more difficult to brush them aside like an annoying fly.

If such an opportunity happened to you, congratulations! You have matured. You shouldn’t be afraid of this, you just need to approach the choice of your future life partner wisely. I will tell you how to find a good girl for life and love and what to do so as not to lose her.

Why should a man get married?

Typically, bachelors utter this rhetorical question in response to the question addressed to them: “Well, when?!” from mothers and grandmothers. We will try to answer it honestly, without offending anyone.

The motives for getting married can be different. Some are tired of waking up alone every day and cooking breakfast for themselves, some are ripe for procreation, while others are simply overwhelmed with love. Let's look at all these and other cases.

Love till death

Love in itself is a sufficient basis for creating a family. But with some reservations.

Well, firstly, we are talking exclusively about mutual love. That is, your chosen one should love you at least as much as you love her.

Secondly, your feeling must be tested by time and various circumstances. If there are any rough spots in your couple, do not expect that they will be smoothed out after the wedding.

Need for support and support

Man is a social creature and needs closeness and warmth. It is very difficult for one person to endure all the hardships of this cruel world. If you feel that your cat can no longer cope with the role of a psychotherapist, you should think about starting a family.

Girls are by nature more sensitive, soft and flexible, while men are tough and straightforward. Therefore, when paired, they complement each other perfectly, like yin and yang.

Paternal instinct

As every man grows up, he accumulates invaluable experience that he can no longer keep to himself and wants to pass on to someone. Well, there’s how to straighten your underpants through your trouser pockets, how to teach a parrot to swear, how to put a beer mug on your stomach so that it doesn’t fall.

Plus, everyone around constantly reminds me of the house, the tree and my son. If you can somehow cope with the first two points yourself, then with your son it is more difficult - you cannot do without the participation of a woman.

Life

Living together is rational and convenient. There is a division of labor system in place, costs are reduced - this is microeconomics in action. Well, so what, which sounds too pragmatic, kisses alone, as they say, won’t satisfy you.

Status display

Many wealthy men need a beautiful and spectacular woman nearby to confirm their status. It is not for nothing that they say that a man is judged by the woman who accompanies him. There is some truth in this saying.

To sit on your neck

Yes, there are such men, to be honest. We will not consider them in detail - we will mentally scold them, express a contemptuous “ugh” and move on. You're not like us, are you?

Mom asks for grandchildren

Very often, men get married at the insistence of their beloved mothers. Although it is a pity for mothers to give their sons into the wrong hands, the desire to babysit their grandchildren, as a rule, overpowers them.

What should a wife be like?

I somehow caught my eye when a comedian was performing on TV. The guy talked about his long and painful choice of car, and at the end he summarized: “So I bought it, drove it for six months and only then realized what kind of car I needed. The same thing happened with my wife.”

Of course, we can’t foresee everything in advance, but it still doesn’t hurt to make a list of criteria. You have to rely on something.

Let's look at the basic principles for choosing a life partner.

The goose is not a friend to the pig

This point is about choosing partners that suit you. The closer you are to your chosen one in terms of social status, level of education, and material wealth, the greater the chances of a strong and long marriage. It is very difficult to compensate for the gap in resources. So don’t look for a model-looking doctor of science with a two-story penthouse in the city center. You'll only waste time.

Decembrist's wife

Every man dreams of a woman who will go through fire, water, and copper pipes with him. Just how to recognize it is a mystery. I’ll tell you a secret - any of your girlfriends could be like this. Or there may be none. It all depends only on the degree of her love for you. Never marry a lady who is cold towards you and is there only because there are no more worthy candidates. After the wedding, the situation, as a rule, only gets worse.

Value yourself, you deserve the most sincere and pure love.

My light, mirror, tell me

Female beauty is a mysterious, inexplicable and incredibly attractive phenomenon. For how many centuries in a row, great and talented minds have been struggling to create a universal formula, but everything is in vain. Everyone has their own idea of ​​beauty.

There is no need to rely on any standards and jump around a girl with a ruler. You can even fall in love with a dimple on your cheek, an earlobe, or any small and insignificant detail. Don’t treat girls as physical objects; try to see the soul behind every feature. You won't like it if you are judged primarily by the size of your wallet.

Let's take a break from reading for a moment and watch the video:

Where and how to look for a wife

It’s not for nothing that we spent so long analyzing the motives for marriage and the qualities of an ideal wife. Now it will be easier for us to decide on a place to search.

Among colleagues, finding a life partner is perhaps the easiest, because you both spend most of your time in the same team. Take a closer look at his female half, just don’t look at your bosses and your subordinates. It is advisable that you are on the same rung of the career ladder.

Just don’t try to flirt in the workplace - it’s against corporate ethics. Go to corporate events, meet outside of work hours, go outdoors with the whole work team.

Take up an interesting hobby

New hobbies not only develop you as a person, but also expand your social circle. Just choose an activity that is interesting to both men and women.

Anything related to sports, dance, art, music, science are suitable options. Auto mechanic courses, a club for fans of playing GTA - no. You shouldn’t be cunning and go to purely women’s circles in order to find your love there. When a girl meets a man at a sewing course, she will, of course, be surprised, but she will consider him more as a girlfriend, and not as an option for starting a family.

Connect your friends to the search

Mention that you are looking for a life partner, and your friends will come to your rescue. Surely many of them already have wives, and the wives, in turn, have a whole squad of girlfriends with a ticking clock.

You will gather in large groups and look closely at each other. The main advantage is that if you like a girl, you can immediately make inquiries about her - find out what she does, what she loves, who she has met before.

Attend public events

Rock concerts, public celebrations, charity events, festivals, exhibitions - do not ignore these events. I understand, of course, that not everyone likes large crowds, but this is a good chance to meet new interesting people. Normal girls go there too, no doubt about it! Perhaps the acquaintance will be fateful and change your whole life.

Look for even more places to meet in our article “”.

Marriage after 30 years

There is a belief among women that good men are taken apart when they are still puppies, and if a guy has never been married before the age of 30, then there is something wrong with him. Either a womanizer, or a mama's boy, or the wrong orientation. But you and I know that this is not always the case.

Therefore, if you are in your early thirties and are interested in starting a family, you need to dispel these three myths.

Never let the girl you like understand that she is not your only one. We are talking not only about physical intimacy, but also about any attention and interest on your part. Women hate competition and love to feel exclusive.

Be independent in everyday life, learn to take care of yourself, even if you still live with your parents and your caring mother is ready to wash your socks from morning to evening. Remember, someone else's guardianship over you is your dependence. You must first become completely autonomous and self-sufficient and only then begin to look for the woman of your life. Few people are attracted by the prospect of becoming a mother to an adult man, especially since women themselves are not averse to sitting on the neck.

If your relationship with the opposite sex is not working out, you don’t have to pretend that you don’t need it. Show interest in girls, respect them, don't become misogynistic because of a few rejections. Otherwise, you won’t notice how people will start whispering behind your back and smiling meaningfully when they meet you.

At 40, life is just beginning

Forty-year-old males can easily give young animals a head start in relationships with the opposite sex. Unless, of course, they wasted their youth on idle leisure.

By this age, a man, as a rule, already has a wealth of experience, social status and material wealth. His appearance is amazing, his reproductive function works perfectly, so his choice of wife is not limited to almost any limits.

Some men by this age have never married, but most forty-year-old bachelors still receive this title after a divorce. A bad experience is also an experience, sometimes even more valuable than a successful one. If you have a divorce behind you, it means that you have made some conclusions for yourself, realized something and are ready to go into battle with new strength.

If you have no experience of married life, do not despair! You may have past traumas that are preventing you from trusting and opening up to someone. Or you are so used to loneliness that you are afraid to change your usual way of life. Or maybe you simply evaluate all girls critically, and you don’t like anyone. I advise you to contact a psychologist, he will help you understand yourself and change your attitudes.

How to get married so you don't have to get a divorce later

We have touched on a serious topic, friends. The statistics are inexorable - almost half of marriages in Russia end in divorce. It’s hard to say why this happens, let’s better discuss what can be done to avoid being included in these statistics.

  • Don't try to change a girl

If a girl doesn’t suit you in some way, irritates you, enrages you, you have only two options - either accept her as she is, or break up. Trying to change or re-educate someone, you will only ruin the good attitude towards you (if there was one, of course).

To change for the better, the incentive must come from within. You can try to help this stimulus arise in a person, but very subtly, delicately, without invading his boundaries. Personal example is one of these ways.

Let's say your loved one has gained a few extra pounds lately, and you don't like it. Show her a good example - start going to the gym yourself and watching your diet, you probably also have something to work on. It is quite possible that the girl will become infected with your enthusiasm and join you. Or maybe not. In any case, it's her business.

Very often men fall into one insidious trap. You’ve probably heard guys say about their girlfriends something like “she loves me, but refuses to kiss me because she has mental trauma from a past relationship” or “we agreed to meet, I waited for her for two hours, but she’s so forgetful, that she didn’t even call.”

So, friends, never try to explain your beloved’s bad attitude towards you by her moral traumas, character traits, some external circumstances, etc. The only reason is insufficient love for you.

Believe me, when this same girl falls head over heels in love with someone, she will be ready to move mountains and walk the walk to please her chosen one. And all her injuries will blow away like the wind. And in this situation, all you can do is end such unequal relationships and look for new love. It is likely, by the way, that the girl will rethink your role in her life after separation and ask you to return. But that is another story.

  • Agree in advance

Discuss all important life-changing issues before marriage. Otherwise, it turns out that your ideas about living together are radically different. You want five children, a house in the village, three geese and a cow, but she is generally childfree and wants to surf in Bali all her life.

Put on the agenda the topic of parenthood, joint budget, place of residence and try to reach agreement or at least a compromise on all issues. Discuss everything calmly, without unnecessary emotions, listen to each other.

  • Share and help

Don’t think that your wife will do your laundry and cook for you just because of your beautiful eyes. Contribute to the general everyday life, especially if your incomes are approximately equal. By the way, taking out the trash is not a contribution. At least sometimes you need to take on cleaning, cooking and laundry. All male responsibilities, naturally, should also be yours.

Do it selflessly, without expecting gratitude or praise. Then your wife will hold on to you with her arms and legs and brag to her friends about what a golden husband she has.

  • Don't relax

For some reason, many people consider a wedding to be a kind of magical ritual, after which they can relax and rest on their laurels. The partner, they say, isn’t going anywhere, so why waste your energy. In such couples, the husband and wife often gain weight after the wedding, stop taking care of themselves and are ashamed of their physiological processes, and become vulgar and rude. A depressing sight, isn't it?

Remember that a stamp in your passport does not guarantee you the eternal love of your chosen one; she can easily fly away from your common nest. And then you will have to strain again, but 10 times harder.

Conclusion

Our article has come to an end, I hope you found something useful for yourself in it. Share your impressions in the comments, ask questions. I wish you to meet your love and finally hear the cherished “Bitter!”