This is an eternal question. It has historically been resolved differently in different societies, cultures and... families. For me personally, he is not indifferent. Therefore, I could not ignore the instructive stories that I offer you for reflection.
I am against keeping children until retirement. I am against “feeding” adult children with constant cash injections.
I have nothing against helping adult children in a difficult situation that they cannot yet overcome. Anything can happen in our lives... Our children can lose their jobs or get sick. In such cases, help is necessary and justified. In others, it leads to addiction.
I’ll tell you two stories from my life. My grandmother was a very wealthy lady. She had several savings books, she didn’t deny herself anything, she could afford a lot. I still can’t understand where she got the money to put it into the book every month??? Her pension was small - 72 rubles. And almost every month an average of about 200 rubles was deposited into the savings bank. Then I didn’t ask myself this question, because... was small. With that kind of money, grandma didn’t spare it just for HERSELF. I won’t talk about myself, but she didn’t help her daughter (my mother) even with a penny. She also tried to take money from my mother for my summer maintenance...
When my grandmother died, my mother looked into the books and there was a fabulous sum... which was gobbled up by the 90s... T, e. the state took advantage of it. Mom cried quietly and said that she had never worn a good coat or had warm boots, because... the family was built from scratch and it was necessary to raise children. So I’m thinking, was it really a pity to give your only daughter money for a coat and boots, because she spent the whole summer (teacher’s leave) doing repairs for you...
Looking at my grandmother’s greed, I decided to do things differently. Not by pampering, but by discussing all purchases, their necessity, functionality and timeliness.
Now about my experience. While my son was studying at the institutes, I, of course, completely supported him. At that time we lived in different countries and did not see each other as often as we would like. Every three months he came to me and we ran to the shops to outfit him in decent boutiques .
And now I graduated from college, the job is prestigious, there are several cards from well-known banks with normal accounts in my wallet. But, as before, upon arrival we went to boutiques and everything was still bought with my money. I don’t know how long it would have lasted, but one day my son asked if I would put money into a bank account... (he worked in a bank). To which I tried to get rid of it by saying that I didn’t trust banks, it was a sad experience. In fact, there was nothing to put. And here is my son, looking somehow condescendingly, he said that he had SO MUCH lying around and he wasn’t afraid...STOP! On the one hand, I am VERY happy about this circumstance, but on the other... my not so big earnings fly away every three months, I don’t have time to blink. I’m not used to thinking about myself, about my desires. I was raised that way. Everything is for loved ones and relatives, but I somehow. And then I was shocked. My contributions have become a habit and my son no longer notices that it is increasingly difficult for me to earn large sums.
He didn’t know that the foods that I feed him during his visits are almost never in my refrigerator. And then it burst through me. I sat him in front of me and told him that on his next visit he would buy things with his own money. I made him a breakdown of my income and expenses, which threw him into a stupor. He realized that I spend almost all my money on him.
I can’t say that he wasn’t offended. But, having thought about it, he understood and appreciated it. The next time he bought suits and shirts for himself, paying with his Golden Visa card.
Why did I tell you all this? Sometimes our adult children do not know what life is like for us. What requests and desires we have. We have been trying to help children all our lives... I understand this desire, I am like that myself. But everything must be done in a timely manner and know the limits.
Excessive greed is bad, but turning yourself inside out is doubly bad.
Maybe I'm wrong.
Photo: Artem Samokhvalov/Rusmediabank.ru
In recent years, many people have become wealthy; they give their children apartments, cars, etc. What are the consequences of parental help?By providing financial assistance to children, parents feel powerful and, to some extent, have control over them, even if they have grown up and become adults. By giving them money, parents seem to retain the right to teach, advise and even insist on their opinion. They retain the ability to interfere in the lives of adults. After all, whoever pays is influential, you must agree.
They cannot shed the role of a mentor and are unable to let their children go into adulthood. And the offspring, accustomed to financial injections, get a taste for it. And then they begin to wait for help and even demand it. And if for some reason the parents reduce it or stop it, they get offended and make claims. It turns out to be a vicious circle.
Like here and like in the West
It is customary among Russians that parents almost cackle over their children.
But in Western countries the approach is completely different. There, children live with their parents only until they graduate from school. Then, in most cases, they leave their father’s house and begin an independent life. Of course, their parents do not push them out by force; everything will turn out differently: the boy or girl enters a university, which is often located in another city or even another country, so independent life arises naturally. Of course, many parents pay for their offspring’s education (in whole or in part). But then - that’s it, then be so kind as to live on your own.
It's different with us. Sociologists conducted surveys on the topic of financial assistance to adult children. Here's what the Russians responded:
- Parents should not interfere in the lives of adult children at all - 9%.
- Parents should provide their children with financial assistance within reasonable limits - 69%.
- Parents are obliged to always help their children - 16%.
- Other or found it difficult to answer - 5%.
What do endless financial injections lead to?
They lead to children sitting on their heads and getting used to handouts. As a result, they do not develop a sense of responsibility for their lives. They become selfish and dependent.
Parents harm their children with endless financial handouts. After all, parental duty is to prepare children for independent life, to make them strong. What instead?..
I know this story. One woman from a small provincial town went to work abroad, to one of the European countries. She worked there as a housekeeper. Of the money she earned, she kept a little for herself, and sent most of it to her son and family, who remained in the province. The son did odd jobs and said that he could not find a permanent job.
After some time, the woman met a widower who asked her to marry him. The man was good, so she agreed. But since her husband was now supporting her, she could no longer send money to her son’s family. Her son and daughter-in-law made a scandal over the phone, saying that she was selfish (!) and did not think about them. They forbade her from calling or talking to her granddaughter...
The family did not communicate with her for more than six months. Then the son called as if nothing had happened, said that he got a job, and now everything is fine with them. She was allowed to talk to her granddaughter and was even invited to come visit.
In what cases can you help?
For example, you can give money for study, this is a good cause. Investment in means caring about the future life of your child and improving its level. So if you have the opportunity, pay for your studies, at least partially. You can also pay for courses that may be needed.
Also worthy financial assistance is money for housing: an apartment, a room. Any help in purchasing your own home is invaluable.
You can give money for (at least partially). Let the offspring get on his feet and begin to earn a living himself, then later he will be able to help you.
It’s good to help your grandchildren financially - for example, open an account in their name. It is better not to give children money intended for grandchildren, as they may be tempted to spend it as they see fit. It’s better to give your grandchildren a good gift or buy them a vacation package, etc.
But let the children earn money for their own pleasures and desires. They are adults, and there is no need to strain their parents about such things.
Is it necessary or not to help adult children with money? Everyone answers this question differently depending on gender, age, upbringing and the presence of children. There are enough weighty arguments for both an affirmative and a negative answer.
- Refusal to help your child if he needs it is selfishness and indifference.
- If parents do not support their children, then why does the institution of family exist?
- If parents do not help their children, they, in turn, will not take care of them in old age.
"Against":
- Parents are not required to support their children until they retire.
- If you help children all your life, you will have no strength, no time, no money left for your own interests and well-deserved rest.
- It is necessary to instill in children independence, consciousness and the habit of relying only on themselves.
Andrey, 30 years old:
— I come from a small town, and my parents are factory workers. My mother did not have the opportunity to pay for my studies, so I had to enroll in a paid one, take out a loan, and then transfer to a budget-funded one. I worked throughout my years at the institute. Honestly, I don’t remember a single Student’s Day or a normal New Year. I can’t tell you how many professions I have changed: a loader, a waiter, a sales manager, and a security guard. My parents helped as much as they could, that is, with food 2 times a month. Two years after graduating from university, I built an apartment, a small one-room apartment. Now, of course, I have a car, money and a family, and my son was recently born. Will I help him when he is an adult? You know, yes. Because I don’t want him, like me, to have neither childhood nor youth. All I remember from being a student is constant lack of sleep and hunger. Our children should be better than us, I want my son to have everything.
Inna, 27 years old:
“My parents and my husband’s parents bought us a two-room apartment in a residential area. Now they help with the children. In addition, my parents paid for my studies at the institute and for the whole year before admission - numerous courses and tutors. I am very grateful to them, but I see how difficult it all is for them, and I feel ashamed to accept help. And they say that they are so used to it that they can’t do it any other way. I am a qualified specialist, although I am currently on maternity leave, but I try not to sit idle, I work part-time. I compensate for my parents' help with good gifts.
I’m not sure that I will do my best to help my children. This is not entirely correct. No, not because I’m afraid of raising selfish or lazy people, it all depends on upbringing. Well, people just have to live for themselves, and not just for someone else. Otherwise, first you help your children, then your grandchildren. Although this is a difficult question, and the answer must be given based on a specific family.
Few would argue that in our country, as well as throughout the post-Soviet space, there has been a tradition of always helping our children in everything, no matter what their age or marital status. And this is connected not so much with the boundless love of Belarusian parents for their children, but with the economic situation. It is extremely difficult for a young man, especially in a foreign city, without work experience and financial support to get on his feet and turn from a student into a highly paid specialist. And if you already have your own family and small children, then you need to either gratefully accept the help of the older generation, or work hard for 10-15 years before achieving material well-being. Therefore, a rare Belarusian parent, when it comes to raising children, thinks in terms of “clothing-feeding-educating”; in our reality it is “clothing-feeding-educating-getting-married-building an apartment.”
In the USA, Canada and many European countries, the approach to the issue of helping adult children is exactly the opposite. In these states, it is not customary not only to help adult children, but also to influence them in any way. If the parents have a good income, and the children and their families live modestly, it will not occur to anyone that they can ask mom and dad for money. Parents of young Americans rarely provide housing for their children or pay for a wedding. In those parts, the understanding was firmly established that parents in adulthood have the right to use their savings for their own needs, even if their children need help. Of course, this does not apply to emergency cases, such as those related to health. Children are independent individuals who, at the age of 18, become complete masters of their lives and are responsible for themselves, their actions and their family. This may be why in the United States the average age for marriage is 30-35 years, when a person has at least a stable job. You can rarely find a young family at the age of 20 in America and only among emigrants who have recently moved, while the rest are carefully planning their future without counting on anyone's support.
We asked family psychologist Zhanna Mikhailovna Aleshkovich to analyze whether it is necessary to help children with money and to express a competent opinion on this issue.
— The question of whether older people should financially help their children cannot be answered unequivocally. At this age, one of the main developmental tasks is to help your growing children. Our genes make us care about those with whom we are related by blood. One of these forms is selfless love for your children. Parents who place their children's well-being above their own are more likely to pass on their genes to future generations than parents who ignore their children. Evolution favors altruism towards children, and children have less interest in the survival of their parents' genes. Thus, parents tend to be more devoted to their children than children are to their parents.
We are programmed by nature to help close relatives. But there is a problem, and it is that children should not influence their parents by extorting this financial support, but should be okay with the fact that the flow of financial assistance often changes towards the older generation, since adult parents also have to take care of their elderly parents. Middle-aged people are in the middle between the needs of their adult children and their elderly parents. When they find themselves in such a "vice", they prefer to focus on their own needs and have less contact with both the younger and older generations.
“Living for yourself” is precisely for middle age; it is at this time that you can allow yourself to live in the present to a greater extent than at any other age. Young people look forward, and middle-aged people, burdened with responsibilities towards two generations and towards themselves, must live for themselves, here and now. Especially women, already freed from daily parental responsibilities and ready to more actively and freely pursue their own hobbies.
You shouldn’t attribute everything to selfishness and indifference. It should be understood that both parents and children find themselves in a period of “role reversal.” Elderly parents may require financial assistance and may be dependent on their children. Children are turning into the generation at the helm of life. Power changes, and both generations must understand that this is an inevitable part of the life cycle, and this new relationship should not cause resentment and resentment. It is worse if selfishness takes over and self-interest motivates behavior only to improve one's own well-being, no matter what.
Social, emotional, and even material exchanges constantly occur between adult children and their parents. Many older parents provide financial support for their children and grandchildren. And this is especially true for upper-middle-class families in any country. In low-income Slavic countries, this generation lacks financial resources, so parents often provide social support and look after their grandchildren when possible. They help as best they can. It is a myth that in modern Western society parents and children are estranged from each other. Every generation values its independence in any country, and if times of crisis occur, then the number of contacts increases, including financial support, and when things return to normal, contacts and assistance decrease.
The truth in such controversial issues, as always, is somewhere in the middle. And it’s better to give not a fish, but a fishing rod, that is, invest money in quality education, help open your own business, give money for sports, creativity, and let adult children pay for whims like a new car or vacation themselves.
Hello, Elena Vasilievna. Elena Vasilyevna I have neither the money nor the strength to explain to him. Your son is an adult who can earn money on his own. You are not at all obliged to give him money and explain yourself if you do not have such an opportunity. After all, you are not an omnipotent “source of abundance”; you also have a limit. Don’t expect your son to learn to notice him himself, learn to refuse. Of course, if you try to please everyone and remain silent about your difficulties, where will the strength come from? Start taking care of yourself at least a little and you will have more strength. Elena Vasilyevna I have a huge feeling of guilt and fear. Don’t blame yourself, you’re already doing everything you can, everything in your power. You will not achieve happiness by trying to give your son or husband even more; the more you give, the worse you feel and the worse your relationships with loved ones. No matter how paradoxical it sounds.
Adult son asks for money
You already have adult children who need their parents’ money. Is it worth helping them financially? Or announce that they should learn to make money themselves? There will be no clear answer.
How many parents, so many opinions. On the other hand, for what purpose do adult children ask their parents for money? His mother's son gives someone else's wife a mink coat? Don't help at all - let him work three jobs. My daughter is sick, my husband is exhausted, the children are already adults, but there is not enough money for medicine.
Attention
I believe that if parents have such an opportunity, without detriment to themselves, they should help with money so as not to punish themselves later. Situations are different, and that’s not even the point here. It all depends on the severity of upbringing and the relationship that has developed between parents and adult children.
As an example, a strict father works 2 shifts at a factory. He squeezed everything for his wife, allegedly saving it for the grave.
Is it worth giving money to an unemployed adult son?
In Russia, and in many CIS countries, adult children often continue to live with their parents, even after starting their own families. The explanations for this sound very humane and convincing: how can you leave your elderly parents alone? In fact, the child simply does not want to give up his mother’s delicious food, her all-consuming care and willingness to give up her last penny.
Important
Why fuss, pay for the apartment and work at night, when you can all coexist perfectly together? Even the inevitable conflicts of generations and problems with mothers-in-law and mothers-in-law are not able to motivate everyone to make changes in their lives. Parental guardianship over children who live in their own separate territory is also considered an absolute norm in our country.
By the age of grandparents, parents already have health problems and are forced to live on a meager pension.
Adult children constantly ask for money
Is financial assistance to adult children a typical occurrence for Russian parents? Education is a science that teaches our children to do without us (E. Leguve) This phrase from the French prose writer and playwright Ernest Leguve suits our topic perfectly. The last thing parents who continue to help their older children think about is that they are going against the basic principles of upbringing.
Financial assistance to adult children is a direct path to the fact that, to the delight of their parents, they will remain children, even after passing the 40-year mark. Why is that bad? First, let's look at the costs of such upbringing, which, by the way, is not at all typical for Europe and America.
In the West, grown-up children cannot count not only on stable financial support from their parents, but also on living in their parents’ house longer than expected.
How to learn to refuse money to adult children?
From the position of “we shouldn’t, but we want you to be happy and are ready to help you without taking away your freedom. Adult children constantly ask for money This phrase from the French prose writer and playwright Ernest Legouve fits our topic perfectly. The last thing parents who continue to help their older children think about is that they are going against the basic principles of upbringing. Financial assistance to adult children is a direct path to the fact that, to the delight of their parents, they will remain children, even after passing the 40-year mark.
First, let's look at the costs of such upbringing, which, by the way, is not at all typical for Europe and America. Should I give my child pocket money? Adolescence is the period when the first romantic relationships begin to develop between girls and boys.
And often the question of money arises here: they want to visit a cafe, go to the movies. AND.
How to tactfully stop your mother from asking for money all the time?
Unfortunately, many children only begin to truly grow up when they lose their parents. And with age, learning to live independently becomes more and more difficult - hence the deepest depression and severe stress.
There is only one conclusion: if you don’t want to make it even worse for your child, then stop solving all the problems for him! The day will come when you will no longer be with him, and coming face to face with reality will become very painful for him. Our age of total employment and career focus has given rise to another situation - money instead of care.
Parents who are always at work or on the road begin to provide their children with money almost from infancy. Trying to fill the gaps in upbringing and communication, they buy apartments and cars for their grown-up children, open bank accounts for them and convince themselves that they are doing everything for their child.
But even from this minimum they manage to provide financial assistance to their children and their families. For many children, this is also the absolute norm, and few people think about the fact that parents often sacrifice the most necessary things for them.
As a result, a person becomes a complete egoist and continues to demand something even when he himself should become a support for his parents. In the worst case scenario, parents have to pay their child’s debts and get him out of serious troubles that he might not have gotten into if he had no one to count on. Another typical consequence of such upbringing is infantilism. A person becomes an adult only when he begins to solve his problems himself without any material support from the outside.
As long as a child is confident that his parents will help him out in any situation, he will never become an adult.
How to discourage adult children from extracting money from their parents
There are a variety of situations in life that even an adult cannot get out of without the help of loved ones. And here the sacramental phrase “You are already an adult, decide everything yourself” can have the most unpredictable consequences.
There have been so many cases when the insensitivity of parents and their belated educational work simply became the last straw for children. Now we will not talk about terrible addictions, because of which children begin to extract money from their parents and sell valuables from home.
But every person can make a mistake or get into an unpleasant situation, and the parents’ task is to give him a helping hand, give him the last money and even sell the apartment if this saves the situation. Let's talk, however, about more pleasant things, namely, the financial investments of parents in the future and present of their child.
But children do not earn money themselves, and therefore turn to their parents for money. Adolescence now begins quite early - at 10-13 years.
If a man constantly asks for money Sometimes, love makes us turn a blind eye to many men's mistakes and shortcomings. We even find excuses for actions that are not worth justifying.
For example, if a man constantly asks for money, should this be assessed as an unacceptable state of affairs, or can his actions still be explained and justified? So what does it mean if a man constantly asks for money? Firstly, no matter what you tell yourself, a man can ask a woman for money only if he is her son. How to Ask Correctly Remember, children constantly ask their parents for a toy, and what’s most interesting is that, as a rule, they get their way.
There are many examples where parents gave everything so that their children could receive an excellent education or achieve great heights in sports. Of course, not everyone succeeded, but without serious financial support the child would not have even had such a chance.
And if an adult needs help for career growth or starting his own business, then his parents should be the first to help him. Parents often help older children from very wealthy families realize their long-held dreams - for example, to become a pop star. Another thing is that many such stars do not burn very brightly and do not burn for very long, but on the other hand, they have one less unfulfilled dream. Some will say that this is a whim, but if parents have such an opportunity, then why not make their children happy? To solve current and more prosaic problems, financial assistance from parents can also become invaluable.
Education is a science that teaches our
children can do without us (E.Leguve)
This phrase from the French prose writer and playwright Ernest Legouve suits our topic perfectly. The last thing parents who continue to help their older children think about is that they are going against the basic principles of upbringing. Financial assistance to adult children is a direct path to the fact that, to the delight of their parents, they will remain children, even after passing the 40-year mark.
Why is that bad?
First, let's look at the costs of such upbringing, which, by the way, is not at all typical for Europe and America. In the West, grown-up children cannot count not only on stable financial support from their parents, but also on living in their parents’ house longer than expected. In Russia, and in many CIS countries, adult children often continue to live with their parents, even after starting their own families.
The explanations for this sound very humane and convincing: how can you leave your elderly parents alone? In fact, the child simply does not want to give up his mother’s delicious food, her all-consuming care and willingness to give up her last penny. Why fuss, pay for the apartment and work at night, when you can all coexist perfectly together? Even the inevitable conflicts of generations and problems with mothers-in-law and mothers-in-law are not able to motivate everyone to make changes in their lives.
Parental guardianship over children who live in their own separate territory is also considered an absolute norm in our country. By the age of grandparents, parents already have health problems and are forced to live on a meager pension. But even from this minimum they manage to provide financial assistance to their children and their families. For many children, this is also the absolute norm, and few people think about the fact that parents often sacrifice the most necessary things for them.
As a result, a person becomes a complete egoist and continues to demand something even when he himself should become a support for his parents. In the worst case scenario, parents have to pay their child’s debts and get him out of serious troubles that he might not have gotten into if he had no one to count on.
Another typical consequence of such upbringing is infantilism. A person becomes an adult only when he begins to solve his problems himself without any material support from the outside. As long as a child is confident that his parents will help him out in any situation, he will never become an adult.
Unfortunately, many children only begin to truly grow up when they lose their parents. And with age, learning to live independently becomes more and more difficult - hence the deepest depression and severe stress. There is only one conclusion: if you don’t want to make it even worse for your child, then stop solving all the problems for him! The day will come when you will no longer be with him, and coming face to face with reality will become very painful for him.
Our age of total employment and career focus has given rise to another situation - money instead of care. Parents who are always at work or on the road begin to provide their children with money almost from infancy. Trying to fill the gaps in upbringing and communication, they buy apartments and cars for their grown-up children, open bank accounts for them and convince themselves that they are doing everything for their child.
Up to a certain age, a child really enjoys such a life, but when he becomes an adult, he suddenly stops communicating with his parents or harbors a grudge against them for the rest of his life. Look how many such examples there are in star families, when the children of famous artists almost publicly abandon their parents. It turns out that more than anything else they wanted parental care. Children who are not loved become adults who cannot love, said the American writer Pearl Buck, and this is worth listening to.
When financial assistance is needed for children
And yet, the Western experience of sending a child to free swimming as soon as he reaches a more or less sane age will not take root with us. And this is not bad at all, because there are situations when parental help is not only desirable, but also obligatory. There are a variety of situations in life that even an adult cannot get out of without the help of loved ones. And here the sacramental phrase “You are already an adult, decide everything yourself” can have the most unpredictable consequences.
There have been so many cases when the insensitivity of parents and their belated educational work simply became the last straw for children. Now we will not talk about terrible addictions, because of which children begin to extract money from their parents and sell valuables from home. But every person can make a mistake or get into an unpleasant situation, and the parents’ task is to give him a helping hand, give him the last money and even sell the apartment if this saves the situation.
Let's talk, however, about more pleasant things, namely, the financial investments of parents in the future and present of their child. There are many examples when parents gave everything so that their children received an excellent education or reached great heights in sports. Of course, not everyone succeeded, but without serious financial support the child would not have even had such a chance.
And if an adult needs help for career growth or starting his own business, then his parents should be the first to help him. Parents often help older children from very wealthy families realize their old dreams - for example, to become a pop star. Another thing is that many such stars do not burn very brightly and do not burn for very long, but on the other hand, they have one less unfulfilled dream. Some will say that this is a whim, but if parents have such an opportunity, then why not make their children happy?
To solve current and more prosaic problems, financial assistance from parents can also become invaluable. If a child asks for money to pay off a loan on time or pay for a tutor for a grandchild, then who, if not the parents, can help him with this? Instead of regularly providing your child with small amounts of pocket money, it is better to collect money for such occasions.
If your financial situation allows, you can give your children a gift by sending them on a trip or buying new furniture. From such pleasant surprises, the child will not suddenly become selfish, will not fall into infantilism and will not begin to demand gifts on every convenient and inconvenient occasion. If, of course, he was brought up correctly and has already learned to do without you in his ordinary life.
And then the time will come for you, too, to learn to live with your own joys and problems, because the process of education is always mutual!
