Approach to the child. How to find an approach to your child Why do you lose contact with your child?

10 minutes to read.

When a child begins to go to the second or third grade, parents usually calm down a little, remembering with a shudder (not all, of course) the beginning of his studies at school. But even though your child has adapted to the new conditions, regime and team, it is still too early to relax.

Both school life and the learning process itself involve many difficulties throughout its entire duration. And the new age stage has features that are important for adults to take into account. You need to figure out what the upbringing of children at 8-9 years old should be like.

Psychological characteristics of children aged 8-9 years

1. At this age, the child’s self-awareness is strengthened and his own point of view on surrounding objects and phenomena is formed. He can express his thoughts on what he wants to become in the future.
2. A junior schoolchild is able to think critically about the behavior of adults, including his parents. He begins to compare information received from different sources (from parents, teachers, peers, from the media), may doubt the truth of the position of adults, and draws his own conclusions.
3. At the age of 8-9 years, the child is less drawn to his parents and more eager to communicate with peers. His need for friendship and collective activity intensifies.
4. Approval and praise from adults are still important to him. In this case, specifics and assessment of the child’s individual abilities are important.
5. Most often, at this age, children already have a hobby: they go to clubs, sports clubs, a music school or dance studios.
6. Most students aged 8 have already managed to adapt to school, but fatigue still sets in quite quickly, and a high need for rest remains.
7. Children have already mastered many social norms well, observe the rules of politeness, and can control their behavior in class and in public places.

Features of the development of boys and girls at 8 years old

Children at this age understand well the difference between the sexes: in appearance, in some character traits, in responsibilities, in social roles. They exhibit different tendencies in behavior: girls show a greater tendency towards restraint, perseverance, responsiveness and obedience.

They begin to pay attention to their appearance, express their preferences for clothing, and often try on their mother’s clothes. The girls respond well to help, take care of their younger sisters and brothers, and carry out assignments responsibly. Usually at this age they are interested in creative activities: handicrafts, music, dancing.

Boys aged 8-9 years are often less restrained in expressing emotions and more impulsive than girls. They demonstrate great activity and cannot sit still for a long time. Usually at this age boys prefer sports and outdoor games.

A visit to the section will create good conditions for a burst of energy that is in full swing. A boy can be quite successful in his studies if the disciplines are interesting to him and he is good at them.

During this period, praise for a girl as a person (just as a girl) is important for a girl, and a positive assessment of the results of his activities is important for a boy.

How to raise a child at 8-9 years old

• Make sure your child completes his homework. The more independence he shows, the better. But remember the importance of your support and, if necessary, provide help if the child is experiencing difficulties. Be as patient as possible and calmly explain how to complete the task. It is important to identify which method of delivering information is most effective for your child to understand the task: depict the condition schematically, give examples, ask leading questions, simply allow him to think out loud and nod in response, etc.
• Be attentive to his feelings, do not ignore them, encourage him to be aware and name them. Voice your child’s emotions yourself when you notice his condition. For example: “You’re upset,” “You’re sad,” or “I’m just happy when I see you being happy.”
• Control the time your child spends watching TV and computer (tablet, phone). At the same time, it is better not to use strict prohibitions, but to offer options for alternative pastimes. For example, go for walks, exhibitions, performances together more often, offer to read an interesting book, etc.
• Observe the mood in which your child goes to school. Be sincerely interested: does he like to study? Is it easy to communicate with classmates and the teacher? Which subjects does he like more and which ones less?
• Feel free to give your child tasks around the house, smoothly form the circle of his responsibilities (cleaning his room and other premises, buying groceries in the store, caring for a pet, etc.) Involve him in joint activities, such as preparing various dishes, planting plants in the country , easy assistance in repairs, etc.
• Remember that the child should have time every day for rest, walks, favorite activities, games (free from studies, household chores and attending clubs and sections).
• An important task of parents is to maintain their authority in the eyes of the child. Therefore, one should not allow extremes: to distance oneself from education and practice permissiveness, or, conversely, to completely suppress his will and force him to obey. The child thinks and analyzes the situation and your words, so arguments in the style of: “Because I said so!” or “Don’t you dare contradict!” will clearly not be in your favor and will not help achieve the desired effect. Yes, some children become obedient and manageable, but at the same time lack initiative, have complexes and are unable to stand up for themselves in the future and confidently overcome difficulties. Is this the path you want to take your child?
• Learn to trust your child and create conditions for him to trust you. This is the key to maintaining a strong relationship with him for many years. Allow him to carry out important tasks, give him the opportunity to feel and strengthen his skills and abilities, to feel like an assistant and a significant member of the family.
• Raising an 8-year-old child must necessarily be based on respect for him, emphasizing his strengths, creating conditions for the formation of self-confidence and adequate self-esteem.

Sexual development of children at 8-9 years old

Although puberty usually occurs during adolescence, some children (particularly girls) may experience the first signs of puberty as early as 8 or 9 years of age. At this stage, parents should talk with their child about sexual development in order to prepare him to meet the changes in the body and in psychology that are about to begin. It is important to explain that nocturnal emissions in boys and menstruation in girls (and other signs) are normal phenomena necessary for the body to mature.

In matters of sexual development, you can also begin to educate children at this age. But in a very simple and “creative” form. For example, when a woman and a man love each other, they can create a child. The man has seed, which he passes on to the woman. And she has the right conditions to raise him and give birth to him. Ideally, conversations about gender and sexual development should be conducted with a boy by the father, and with a girl by the mother.

Gradually, children develop an interest in the opposite sex. At first, they increasingly begin to watch their parents and other adults: boys watch their mother and her friends, girls watch their father and various men (including actors, singers and other famous people), they can spy on them and listen to their conversations. Then interest shifts to peers of the opposite sex.

Children are increasingly aware of their belonging to a particular gender, try to demonstrate appropriate traits in behavior, copy the words and actions of adults, and strive for self-affirmation.

Development of a child at 8-9 years old: what should he know and be able to do?

1. The child can control his behavior quite well and perform duties: pack his backpack, prepare his homework, make the bed, clean the room, wash and brush his teeth, get dressed, etc.
2. Children at this age distinguish between what is “good” and what is “bad”, know how to behave in public places, how to communicate with friends and strangers, and use polite words.
3. They can navigate in space and time.
4. The child is able to concentrate on an object or task for a longer time.
5. Pupils can write, read, count and solve simple mathematical problems.
6. They memorize poems from several quatrains, reproduce fairy tales and stories in detail from memory.
7. Children have developed graphic memory: they can remember a complex picture and draw it.
8. The child is able to express his point of view on various issues.
9. The student can understand how various devices work.

Daily routine for a child aged 8-9 years

At this age stage, the child experiences a high mental load, so significant time should be allocated for rest.

Study and homework. At this age, children spend approximately 3 to 5 hours every day in school. After classes, the child must relax and take a walk in the fresh air. Homework should be started no earlier than 3 hours after studying. Make sure that they do not take more than 2 hours a day to complete, otherwise the student will be very tired.

Nutrition. Five meals a day is the most suitable option for a child: breakfast, lunch at school, afternoon snack, dinner and a light meal before bed.

Dream. A schoolchild aged 8-9 years needs to sleep 10-11 hours, so it is better to go to bed no later than 21.00-21.30, before doing all hygiene procedures (wash, brush teeth, take a shower). Almost all children at this age do not have daytime sleep, but if your child needs it, then do not interfere, let him regain his strength after school.

Interest classes. Most schoolchildren at this age attend sports clubs, clubs, dance studios or music schools. Typically, such classes are held immediately after school or in the evening. It is important that the child himself is interested in them and wants to visit them, and does not go there “because his parents sent him.”

Rest, walks. Every day the child needs to be in the fresh air for 2-3 hours. The more he moves, the better. This is the student’s free time, which he himself fills with what he wants. But a student should not spend more than 1 hour a day in front of the TV or computer. It is important to monitor this and offer him alternative interesting activities.

Responsibilities and work. The child must be involved in household chores and assigned certain responsibilities (wash the dishes, go to the store, take out the trash, etc.) Teach the student that he must clean his room himself.

Activities, games and toys for a child aged 8-9 years

At this age, if necessary, you can conduct classes with your child to develop memory (learning poems, retelling text), attentiveness (observing changes in the environment, sounds, words), logical thinking (solving problems, combining objects into groups and searching for differences) . Any activity is best done in the form of a game.

Games for children 8-9 years old:
Role-playing: children love to “try on” the images of heroes from films, comics, and cartoons.

Movable: “King of the Hill”, “The pile is small”, “Higher than your feet off the ground”, games with a ball, skipping rope, sports games, etc.

Tabletop: “Battleship”, “walkers”, chess, checkers, crosswords (they develop thinking and logic well).

Games to develop memory and attentiveness:“Edible-inedible”, “Repeat the movement”, “Find the differences” (in the picture), “What has changed?” and etc.

Toys for children 8-9 years old
Of course, dolls, cars and interactive toys do not lose their relevance for a long time. But the most useful for development at this age are: plasticine, paints, construction sets, puzzles, puzzles, various sets for creativity and children's scientific experiments. Toys have another important function - distracting the child from the computer and TV, so take care to interest him in this way.

Do not forget that adolescence is just around the corner, and by this time it is important to be able to become for the child not only a mentor and example in everything, but also a friend who is able to listen, understand, accept and support at any moment.

In order for your child’s development to go like clockwork, and for the child to grasp the basic principles in time and easily follow the path of growing up, you need to constantly communicate with him and ask various questions. After all, when we ask a child a new question, at first we puzzle him, but then he begins to intensively search for an answer - this is how he formulates a new judgment, and the information from the question is deposited in his subconscious. The child becomes smarter - the main thing is to find the right approach and ask specific questions, and not just anything at any time.

You cannot project too complex or adult information onto an unprepared mind - this will not lead to anything good.

Age 10-11 years - transitional from childhood to adolescence

It is important to find the right approach to a child at any age, but especially at such a transitional moment as 10-11 years old. After all, this age precedes puberty, and the first stable concepts and judgments are formed in the mind of your offspring. 10 years is a difficult age, somewhat rebellious, and the psychology of communicating with a child of this age is very subtle. It is necessary not to go too far, but also not to let the child swim freely in the sea of ​​the new and unknown.

New style of communication

In order not to spoil your relationship with your child, you will have to make some efforts, since you will not interrupt your child’s rebellious inner voice. You cannot suppress the child’s will in everything; you need to listen and hear his opinion, take it into account.

Tip: Ask your child often what he thinks about decisions made in the family, and let him fully express himself and reveal his theory by asking related questions.

Now you can ask much smarter questions than you could two years ago. Thus, questions for children aged 8 years differ significantly from questions for children 10 years old. Despite the quantitative difference of only two years, at this time the child is rapidly maturing and developing, so you need to keep up with his development, and not think that some topics can still wait some nth age for their coverage.

At age 10, parents should move to the next level

Thanks to these more serious conversations, the child’s level of maturity in reasoning will increase, and you will be able to get closer to your child on a new, more adult level. You should also not ignore fun and interesting questions for children, which will bring informality to your conversation and help create more trusting relationships: appropriate humor always melts the ice, and sometimes this is what many parents lack in their relationships with their children.

Communication between children and peers

It is also important to control your attitude towards your child’s contacts. You may not like some of your child’s contacts, some acquaintances and friends.

Advice: do not give ultimatums or forbid your child to communicate with any peers; It’s better to express your opinion regarding this person in a non-propelling manner.

Communication with peers becomes the main thing

Then the chance that the child will listen to you is much higher than if you, in an orderly tone, forbade him to deal with any acquaintances.

Similar advice can also be given regarding the emergence of new hobbies and hobbies: even if you don’t like something, you should under no circumstances resort to anger, as this will be answered in kind. Here’s some advice: suppress the child’s possible aggression, which may begin to manifest itself more often due to entering adolescence, with phrases in the style of: “If you think this is true, then do so. But I warned you."

At this age, children are easily susceptible to negative influence

It is very important to give the child freedom of choice and decision-making at this moment, as well as provide space to accumulate their own experience.

Of course, we do not want the child to make mistakes on already beaten paths, and every loving parent will try to prevent all possible dangers that await the child on the path of growing up; however, the child must walk some paths himself, and there is nothing wrong with that. Such elementary experience contributes to the systematic development of intelligence, and also has another effect: when the child is convinced that you were right after all, he can move from the stage of rebellion to a calmer state and begin to listen to you more often.

First love most often happens at 10-11 years old

Learning to be independent

Following from all the previous advice on how to contribute to the socialization of a child: raise the issue of going to summer camp without parental participation. Many children want to go to summer camp, but they rarely raise this issue, as they can foresee a negative response from mom and dad. You shouldn’t be so hostile to such ideas, since camp is a good school of life that promotes healthy growing up and gaining independence.

Summer camp is the dream of 10 year olds

Advice: if suddenly your child really wants to go to camp, sit down and talk with him, ask questions about which camp he would like to go to, with what group of children, and if you don’t particularly trust the named place and people, then offer your child an alternative in in the form of personally found travel vouchers and vacation spots.

Learning to be independent - experience

Sometimes a child may cling to just one feature of summer camp; however, you just need to describe in more detail the benefits of vacationing in other places, and the child’s opinion may change. 10 years is the right time for the first experience of a short independent holiday, which will help to develop basic self-care skills in a new place away from parental care.

Difficulties with school

Another important aspect of raising a 10-year-old child that requires additional coverage is schooling. 10-11 years is the age when academic performance may decline, and if you do not help the child in time to cope with the difficulties that arise, then he may remain a very mediocre student. For your child, the increasing load may temporarily turn out to be excessive, since the body will be ill-prepared for a sharp rise in working hours and homework, but even in this situation there are methods for solving the problem. So, if necessary, you can resort to the help of a tutor, with whom it will be easier for the child to improve his studies.

We need to help the child solve difficulties at school

We also remind you that the child should not receive unnecessary aggression towards him during this period: it’s not easy for the child, various educational and personal tasks from school and extracurricular clubs are being dumped, and you will still be heating up the atmosphere at home.

Advice: try to create the most comfortable conditions at home, so that every time the child wants to return, and at home he feels as relaxed and protected as possible from all external threats.

Physical development issues

The physical development of your child at the age of 10 deserves a separate discussion. You should not directly raise issues related to this, but if a child modestly asks you about some point that worries him, you should not rush into lengthy lectures and loud instructions on this matter. It is necessary to calmly and briefly explain to the child what is happening to him, that this is the case for everyone, everyone has gone through this, and there is nothing strange or abnormal about it.

From the age of 10, children begin to wonder what they look like

Under no circumstances should you make jokes at such moments: some careless parents like to use puns where they shouldn’t, which can greatly undermine the child’s self-esteem and alienate him from you. Your goal is to get as close as possible to your child, to create a comfortable support zone for him, so that he himself wants to come to you for clarification of unclear questions.

Bottom line

So, we have covered all the main points about how to communicate with a 10-year-old child, what questions to raise, how to react to certain antics, and how to answer various new questions that appear in the child’s mind.

By applying them in real life, you can successfully build and maintain an emotional connection with your child, not move away from him during puberty, and finally establish yourself in his mind as a friend who will always be the first to come to the rescue.

After all, a parent is not only a teacher, mentor and critic - but it is also first aid, the first pillow and a comforting word. And there is nothing better than becoming this person for a child, as this will help prevent many possible problems in the future.

Question to a psychologist:

Good evening. I have this problem. My daughter is 10 years old, has no hobbies, constantly takes my things without permission, breaks them, doesn’t help me with anything, has no desire to learn. For 3 years I studied with grades 4 and 5, I rarely got 3, and this year grades 2 are appearing more and more often. He constantly snaps, tries to raise his voice at me, and constantly shouts at my grandmother. I’m not saying that she was always like this, it’s just that until recently she was the only child in the family and everything was just for her, my husband’s and my attention, the attention of our grandparents. 10 months ago we had a second daughter, it became simply unbearable, she doesn’t do anything around the house, doesn’t clean her room, doesn’t eat, doesn’t wash the dishes, you can only get her into the bathtub by screaming, she’s not studying well. Tell me what to do... I try to pay equal attention to them and the baby, but you yourself understand that infants require constant attention. I thought about taking sedatives, but for this I need to first consult a doctor. I’m on the verge, I don’t know what else to do, you talk to her in a nice way, she doesn’t react, you scream - that’s no way either...

Psychologist Marina Georgievna Ladatko answers the question.

Good day, Yana.

The situation you described is nothing more than a protest of a 10-year-old child against the birth of a younger sister. This is simply selfishness, nurtured by you. Yes, you indicated that before everything was for her, which means you sacrificed a lot: your time, your interests, material goods (you didn’t buy yourself, but the best for your child), etc. This is the road to the abyss for a child: “Do not make an idol out of a child: when he grows up, he will demand sacrifices” - P. Buast. In raising a child, there must be clear boundaries between where his world is and where yours is. “If you give in to a child, he will become your master; and in order to make him obey, you will have to negotiate with him every minute” - J.J. Rousseau (founder of free education).

I hope you, Yana, understand what we are talking about. What to do now? Start forming and defending your boundaries, which the child has already climbed completely and completely.

1. Screaming is prohibited. Getting personal and insulting is bad and unjustified. This means having patience, wisdom and rebuilding your relationship with your child.

2. Clearly define positions and roles in the family: the father is the head of the family, whom everyone obeys (even if you have your own point of view, you do not express it in front of the children, everything is discussed with your husband behind closed doors, if it is emotional, and freely, with children) mother is the keeper of warmth and comfort in the house, an emotional buffer in all respects, children are children - they MUST help their parents and obey them in everything. These are the dogmas that you now expose in your family.

3. Everyone in the family should have their own responsibilities. Mom and dad have theirs, and the child has theirs! You discuss your responsibilities at a family “meeting,” write them down on a piece of paper, hang them in a visible place, and stick to them all: everyone without exception—both mom and dad (who takes out the trash and prepares food when they do), and the children. Children should have regular responsibilities: washing dishes, helping around the house, caring for pets, or anything else that is reasonable. Responsibilities teach you to think about others, teach you responsibility and develop the ability to plan your time.

4. Involve your eldest daughter in helping to care for the baby, show her that small children are a miracle.

5. Plan your own time. It should include 1-2 hours a day for personal communication between you and your older girl. An hour for yourself, an hour for your husband, and a lot of time to spend time together (organize everyone to help you care for the baby, and it will become much easier and more comfortable for you, Yana).

6. Bribing her obedience with gifts and promises means spoiling the child. This is prohibited if you want to raise a kind person.

7. There is no point in punishing people for refusing help. Things not purchased at the child’s request, your firm word “no” to a request when the girl does not hear you and the reflected living, real emotions “this offends me,” “I’m angry,” “I feel sick to my stomach watching this” will slowly change your attitude towards To you from your daughter's side.

8. Talk about your love, show it in your actions, read therapeutic fairy tales about love for sisters and about helping parents (there are many of them on the Internet).

To ensure that a teenager’s responsibilities in the family do not become a source of many conflicts, you must adhere to the following rules:

• Agree with your child that he will be fully responsible for the cleanliness and order in his own room. He monitors the cleanliness himself, decides when and how to do the cleaning, and carries it out himself. When making an agreement with your teenager, do not forget to outline the scope of these “when” and “how”.
• Try to do the cleaning together (everyone cleans “their own” territory).
• Try not to order; friendly interaction is much more effective.
• Don't be shy to ask for help. Make him feel like he is helping you as an adult would.
• When necessary, gently but firmly remind your child of his responsibilities. Sometimes a teenager simply forgets about promises.
• Create a friendly atmosphere. Let the child know that, for example, cooking together will be complemented by friendly conversations.

By adolescence, a child shows a tendency to maintain cleanliness that was instilled in him since childhood, so it will not be possible to change the situation dramatically. This requires patience and understanding. If you try to negotiate with your child, then gradually he will meet you halfway.

How to prevent smoking?

At this age, children often begin to become familiar with the vices of adult life: cigarettes, alcohol, drugs. To help your child develop a negative attitude towards bad habits, you need to:

Before you do anything with a difficult teenager, pay attention to your (and your spouse’s) attitude towards him, to the psychological environment in which the child grows up. Difficult teenagers often become unloved children. None of the parents are immune from this misfortune, even those who endlessly love their rebellious offspring.

It is difficult to be happy and develop correctly when you feel like you are not needed by anyone, when there are quarrels and discord between parents at home, when there are problems with peers or teachers at school. Unloved children do not have favorable soil for growth and development.

This is how others (and first of all, parents) create a difficult teenager with their own hands. The child not only suffers from an incorrect attitude towards him, but also turns out to be guilty of all sins (those around him usually blame him for the “difficulties” and “wrongness”).

To correct the current situation, parents, first of all, need to understand the essence of the phenomenon with the self-explanatory name “”, then it will be clear what needs to be changed in the relationship with the child, as well as in the environment that surrounds him. When you start working on mistakes, don’t count on quick results. You will have to re-gain the trust the teenager has lost and treat him with your love.

Even if you eliminate only intra-family problems and provide the child with love, understanding, respect and decent advice, the situation in the family will slowly but steadily improve. But you need to act on all fronts where the child has so far fought alone (help him improve relationships with others, put things in order in his studies, etc.).

To guide a teenager in the right direction, a certain combination of actions is required:

• Qualitative example of parents.
• At the same time, a kind attitude and strict discipline on the part of the father.
• Patience and love of a mother.

To be fair, it should be said that a teenager can become difficult due to other circumstances: heredity, illness, etc. In this case, parents also should not despair, they should try to correct the situation as much as possible.

How to improve relationships?

You need to make your child feel that he is loved unconditionally. Neither grades, nor the opinions of others - nothing can reduce parental love.

A parent must convince a teenager of a simple truth: mom and dad are their child’s most devoted friends and protectors. They will fight to the last, will protect their offspring even in situations where he is wrong. Therefore, with any trouble, with any problem, a teenager, first of all, should go to his parents. Let them scold for the offense, but they will do everything possible and impossible to get their child out of the swamp of troubles.

We must strive to create a trusting relationship between parents and teenagers. It is necessary to communicate not only on important topics, which are also often unpleasant for both parties. You need to communicate on a friendly wave as often as possible, strive to ensure that spending time together brings pleasure to all family members (going to the cinema, going on an excursion, etc.).

You need to be friends with your child, show interest in his hobbies, discuss some events together (for example, the plot of a new film), and sometimes have a heart-to-heart talk. Thanks to friendly communication, the teenager will begin to value your opinion and listen to your advice (as opposed to orders, which are very often perceived extremely negatively by teenagers).

How to improve your relationship with your teenage daughter?

The relationship with a teenage daughter needs to be improved, first of all, by the mother. The ideal mother is a mother-friend. People turn to her for advice, seek her support, trust her with secrets, and make important decisions with her.

The task of a loving mother is to prepare her daughter for an independent life as best as possible. It is necessary to teach a teenager how to manage a household, because in adult life, incompetent girls face a lot of problems. Noticing the lack of useful skills, those around them usually do not skimp on caustic remarks and readily label the young woman as a slob or a bad housewife, which hurts her self-esteem. The inexperience of the housewife, as well as her reluctance to perform traditionally feminine duties, often become the cause of conflicts in a young family.

Mom’s task is to properly orient her daughter, explain to her how life works, and teach the girl everything she needs. The father must provide his daughter with a sense of security, must approve and encourage the acquisition of useful skills, and serve as an example that the girl will follow when choosing a life partner. Parents, using the example of their family, should show the girl the correct model of relationships in the “unit of society.”

How to improve your relationship with your teenage son?

First of all, the father must establish a relationship with his teenage son, since only a man can develop masculine qualities in a young man. The father needs to try to establish a calm, trusting relationship with his son, tell him how the world of men works, how to behave in order to be respected by others, and offer help if any problems arise.

The father must teach the boy men's housework. If the family has a car or motorcycle, it is worth preparing the teenager to pass the license exam, as well as teach how to repair vehicles. For many young people, the prospect of driving a car or motorcycle is very tempting, so you should not miss this opportunity to make friends with your son and gain authority with him.

The father, by his example, shows his son what a man should be, what a man’s life should be like. If the head of the family has bad habits, then it is not surprising that the son will sooner or later copy his father’s behavior.

Mom still has a very important role - to love, care and protect her grown-up child. Mom is the standard of female behavior. Many young people in the future, when choosing a life partner, will take their mother’s behavior as a model.

Love and care can work miracles; they can save any family and fix the most difficult relationships. Don’t give up in a difficult situation, look for a way out both on your own and with the help of specialists (psychologist, psychotherapist, etc.). Go for it, and you will succeed!

We also recommend that parents of teenagers read the article. The article is interesting; among other things, it contains a detailed example of how to quickly and painlessly wean a child from a bad habit (throwing dirty socks around the room). The same method can be used in other cases. Moms will also find these tips useful.

If you need advice from a psychologist or psychotherapist, then this is the place for you.

Comments

Nina (paid consultation):

These are all correct words, but in life everything is much more complicated. How can a teenager survive at 16 years old if the father has a different family and all the father’s attempts to influence his son’s upbringing are met with hostility, and the mother does not have enough strength to raise two teenage sons!

• Nadezhda:

  Hello. Please tell me how to behave with my 14-year-old daughter, to whom you constantly talk about the order in the room, she agrees, shoves dirty things into corners and closets, and one fine day, when I shoveled these things into the middle of the room, she left the house and came back an hour later. Doesn't answer questions, snaps. What to do?

• Alexandra (paid consultation):

  Please advise what to do? My 16-year-old daughter, when I try to talk to her, it’s always just rudeness and negativity, how to find a common language, we’ve already tried everything, and for good and bad, she lives in her own world and doesn’t let anyone in, neither her father nor her mother. She studies well and that’s all at home, nothing at all doesn’t refuse, doesn’t leave the room at all only for needs, has no friends, doesn’t go for walks. Now I’ve come up with a diet, doesn’t really eat anything, has already lost a lot of weight and still continues

  • Elena Lostkova:

    Hello, Alexandra. Try to find the key to your daughter's heart. Each of us has some hobbies. Some people like rock, some like fishing, some like embroidery. It often happens that a person is reluctant to respond to our attempts to communicate with him, but as soon as we ask him a question from his area of ​​​​hobby, how things change. We are pleased to talk about our hobby, as well as our achievements in it. Just be interested sincerely, naturally, as if by the way, just like that (at least that’s how it should seem from the outside). It is unlikely that your daughter will appreciate your initiative if she understands that this is another attempt to find an approach to her. For example, consider this situation. For example, your daughter likes a certain artist (Dima Bilan, Yegor Creed, etc.) and his songs. As if casually, tell your daughter something like: “Today I accidentally heard Bilan’s song. It turns out he has normal songs, I liked it. This song is still spinning in my head...” And then ask something about Bilan or his work. Of course, you should first listen to his songs and read something about him. As soon as you find the key, develop further communication on the same topic. The more keys you find to your daughter, the better. Try to be useful, provide your daughter with some services that are truly valuable to her. Continuing the theme with Bilan: buy her a ticket to his concert (carefully offer your daughter your company for this event, since she has no friends with whom she could go to the concert). Whenever possible, give your daughter various objects or souvenirs on the topic of her hobby (posters with Bilan, magazines or books about Bilan or written by him, CDs with his songs (if your daughter doesn’t already have them)). Become, if not a fan of Bilan, then a person who is regularly interested in him and his work. Then you will always have a “good reason” for contacting your daughter (for example, interesting news for her from the life of her idol). What other keys can be used? 1) Preparation for exams. Think about how you can help your daughter: hire a tutor, buy books for self-study, help select theoretical or practical material, etc. It is better, of course, to ask your daughter what kind of help she needs. But if you know in advance that you will run into refusal, you can simply buy and give her books. And do not require her to use them. After all, it was just your gift. Of course, if you are going to hire a tutor, then this must be agreed upon with your child. 2) Admission. Talk carefully with your daughter about this topic. Find out what she would like to become, where she would like to go. Treat her wishes with respect, and not as something stupid, immature, naive. Otherwise, you will easily push her away from you. Having chosen a profession, begin selecting those educational institutions where you will send documents. Consult with your daughter, discuss possible options. Here are some topics for conversation that will be of interest to your daughter. You may have to attend courses or a tutor to successfully enroll. In general, do everything to make your child’s admission successful. This will be your common victory. 3) Diet. Your daughter is concerned about her appearance and tries to improve it. You can invite her to act as adults do. For example, visit a nutritionist so that he can develop a diet for her and tell her how to lose weight and how not to. Or give her a gym or fitness membership (first find out if she needs it). Think about what else you can do to help her hobby. And realize your ideas. These are the keys that came to my mind “off the top of my head.” Come up with the rest yourself, based on the things that interest your daughter. Your girl is already big, so try to communicate with her on an equal basis, like an adult with an adult, with respect and in a friendly manner. Teenagers do not like to be treated like children. You need to try to establish FRIENDLY communication with your daughter. And to do this, you need to talk to your child about topics that interest him, so that he is interested in communicating with you. A more advanced level of communication is heart-to-heart conversations. But for this you need the child to trust you, to be able to trust you with his secrets. We need to strive for this. Friendly communication with a child solves the problem of disobedience, “doing nothing.” After all, you don’t want to offend a friend (even if it’s a parent); Whether you like it or not, you need to fulfill your friend’s request, otherwise you risk ruining the relationship. Don't give up if things don't work out at first. Act as if you were taming a wild animal: perhaps it will be long and difficult, perhaps he will let you in a little at a time. Do not be angry with your daughter for your unsuccessful attempts: after all, it is you who are trying to “tame” her, and she initially did not seek to communicate with you. Good luck in finding your keys!

Olesya (paid consultation):

Hello! Please advise how to find a common language with a 17-year-old teenager (my husband’s son has been living with us for a year, studying). The relationship is good both with us and with his mother (she lives in another city). What worries him is that he is nothing at all not interested, except for playing games on the computer, won’t take you outside. He’ll finish his studies. He’ll come home and lie in bed all day. Answer one - I like it!

• Olesya:

  Thank you very much for the advice. It made me think. They really “put pressure” on the child, and did not negotiate or offer anything in return for the same computer. A new family member has just been added and we are all trying to adapt to each other, find common points of contact, common interests. It’s useful to listen to advice from others. Thanks again.

• Natalia :

  Hello, please tell me how to behave with my 11-year-old daughter. We can’t talk normally, we often break into screams. If you ask for something to do, sometimes he will do it right away, but more often when you start swearing, because he doesn’t hear you either the first or the second time. We quarrel, talk, cry, make up - it doesn’t last long.

• Natalya (paid consultation):

  Please advise how to persuade a child to study
  My son is 17 years old, after school he started studying, but in the middle of the school year he dropped out, no amount of persuasion helps.

  • Elena Lostkova:

    Hello, Natalia. First you need to find out the reason for refusing to study. Teenagers often do not tell their parents about their difficulties. Therefore, adults often think that the problem arose out of the blue. Actually this is not true. Teenagers, when faced with a problem, often do not see the ways to solve it that adults would see. The fact that your son dropped out in the middle of his first school year leads me to think about a possible reason. In the middle of the year, many educational institutions hold sessions. The approach of the first session in their lives frightens many freshmen. Some teenagers are so unsure of their abilities and are afraid of failing the exam that they drop out of school even before the exams. By the way, the same thing can happen before school exams (OGE and Unified State Exam). Apparently, children reason like this: it is better to leave on your own than to disgrace yourself (failure to pass exams, therefore, leave school without a certificate, be expelled from a university, college, etc.). It is also possible that your son did not have time to submit all the necessary work (tests, essays, etc.) on time. All these problems may seem insoluble to a teenager. There is no one to consult with. You can’t tell your parents: they’ll swear (I didn’t prepare, I didn’t submit it on time, but I should have). Therefore, the teenager, seeing no other way out, solves the problem radically: he drops out of school. In fact, he would really need support in such a difficult situation for him. For example, a mother who at one time went through all these tests can reassure her son and explain that all students (even well-prepared ones) are afraid of sessions, can tell how best to prepare for sessions, what to do if he fails an exam (and this happens often among the student fraternity). You can hire tutors for particularly difficult subjects. You can, in the end, HELP the teenager do the required work or select the necessary material (for example, theory for each exam question). Which teenager do you think will cope better: the one who struggles with a difficult problem alone or the one who is helped and supported? Of course, fear of exams is not the only reason why teenagers drop out of school. Perhaps relationships with classmates did not work out; there is a conflict with the teacher; the teenager realized that he made a mistake in choosing a specialty (too difficult or uninteresting), etc. Therefore, I advise you not to force your son, but to find out the reason for refusing to study and OFFER him not only WAYS TO SOLUTION THE PROBLEM, but ALSO YOUR HELP. If a teenager is afraid of the exam, help him pass the exams. If there is a conflict with classmates or teachers, analyze the situation and decide together with your child what is best to do: improve relationships here or change the place of study. If a teenager doesn’t like a major, change it to one he likes. In general, if you want to succeed, offer your teenager as many different options for solving the problem as possible. It is possible that he will like one of these options. Be flexible, look for a compromise. For example, a child is ready to study, but only in a different specialty, and because of this he will lose one academic year. No matter how unpleasant the latter may be for you, it is still your victory (you have achieved your goal, the child is ready to learn further). Good luck to you!

• Larisa:

  Hello. If I have no desire to improve relations with the teenager’s father, because everyone has their own reasons for discord. The child still sees where the parents love each other, where they are just pretending. Your advice is superficial. I think a mother just needs to respect herself and not give offense. be above petty squabbles and the teenager will then understand who the parents are and what they are like. The father smokes a lot, grumbles, does not say kind words and does not teach anything, drinks vodka in the evenings, although he is not an alcoholic, how can my mother protect him? Your advice is superficial, unfortunately. I’m just trying to be friends with my son and respect his opinion.

• Larisa:

  All these “Sovdepov’s” postulates have long outlived their usefulness and it’s time for you, psychologists, to bring at least some fresh air into the discussion of such an interesting topic as the upbringing of teenagers. Why not instill in your child a sense of freedom of choice, the confidence that if there is no love, then you need to say goodbye to your partner with dignity, and not blame him, blaming him for all your troubles, take responsibility and cultivate courage in making decisions. So. teach your child not to be afraid of change and to understand that no one owes anyone anything, that what you sow is what you reap! In general, it’s not interesting to read you. Sorry.

• Galina (paid consultation):

  Hello! I’m wondering, how can a grandmother find an approach to a teenager? My granddaughter is 14 years old and often has conflicts with her parents (one child in the family). One of these days they will bring her to live with us for the summer, so I’m thinking. Of course I will cherish my granddaughter, as if within reason.

  • Elena Lostkova:

    Hello, Galina. You can focus on the advice that is offered to parents. Take every piece of advice as an idea. And then decide for yourself how best to use it in the existing circumstances, and in general, whether you will use it or not. It is, of course, much easier for grandparents to be “good” to their grandchildren than for parents. After all, a large proportion of conflicts between teenagers and adults arise due to children’s failure to fulfill some school responsibilities (not sitting down for lessons on time, getting a bad grade, not preparing for exams, etc.). Fortunately, school is on vacation in the summer. One less topic for contention. Of course, teenagers have different personalities. It's easy to get along with some people, difficult to get along with others. But we should not forget that the character of a child is not only natural inclinations, but also the result of parental upbringing. Flaws in a child’s character are very often a “flaw” of the parents (what they were taught to do, they do; what they weren’t taught to do, they don’t do). Therefore, by the way, I want to say once again that a difficult child is a victim of some parental mistakes in his upbringing. And blaming a difficult child for his difficulties (as is customary in our society) is unfair and cruel, because he had no choice (to become “good” or “difficult”). I would like to make a reservation that when I mention a difficult child, I do not mean your granddaughter, but I am talking about children in general (just as an example). Often grandmothers do not want to actively participate in the process of raising their grandchildren. After all, it is often associated with conflicts with the younger generation, which grandmothers seek to avoid. They simply turn a blind eye to children’s shortcomings, without trying to correct them, and do not make special demands on children. Therefore, grandchildren, visiting such grandmothers, live as if in paradise. You don’t have to go to school, you don’t have to do homework, you sleep as much as you like, you can go to bed late, you don’t have to worry too much about housework, you don’t read lectures. Personally, I really like this “policy” of grandmothers. In the end, they have already raised their children (and this is hard work), now let the children raise their grandchildren. When the words “carefree childhood” are mentioned, the adult grandchildren of such grandmothers remember with warmth and tenderness their grandparents, their home, and the time spent there as children. These memories warm a person throughout his life, helping him to endure life’s difficulties with dignity. The choice is yours: which “policy” in communicating with your grandchildren you like best, choose that one. If you manage to establish a good relationship with a teenager, he will listen to your words, your opinion will have weight for him, and your requests will not go unanswered. In this case, you may even be able to put something into the heads and souls of your grandchildren or teach them something. One of the problems that grandmothers face is the reluctance of their grandchildren to help with housework. Here are some tips on this topic. No one (including children and teenagers) likes to be forced to do so, to be poked at with their own mistakes. Nobody likes communication like “boss - subordinate” (when one ordered, the other did). But many children will willingly respond to a request for help if their grandmother, who, due to her age, has a backache, asks for help. If a child feels sorry for you, he will be much more willing to respond to your request. A request for help is much more effective than an order or instruction to carry out some task. Because in the first case, you seem to be cooperating with the child, and in the second case, you force him. That's why do not “order”, but ask for help. Of course, there is no need to refer to illness every time. But the fact that the grandmother is already old and without the help of her grandchildren will not be easy for her is something children and teenagers should know. You can talk to them about this once at the very beginning of the holidays: 1) explain in human terms why you need help with housework And 2) what are the risks of excess physical activity?(your legs, back, head, etc. will hurt). 3) After this, ask your child for help with household chores(this does not mean a one-time act of help, but help throughout the entire time the child is visiting you). 4) Try to get his voluntary, rather than forced, consent to such help. Please note the following. During the conversation, refer to specific pain (pain in the back, legs, etc.), and not to diagnoses (“hypertension will develop,” “blood pressure will increase,” etc.). The specific pain is clear to the child, but the diagnoses are not (it is not clear what hurts and whether it hurts at all). When agreeing with your child for help, give examples of the tasks that you will ask him to complete (go to the store, sweep the floor, etc.). It is difficult even for an adult to make a promise to help if he does not know what kind of help, how often and in what volumes will be needed. If there are any other difficulties associated with a teenager, then you can act on the same principle: talk “humanely” with the teenager, explain your point of view (try to convince him of the fairness of your requests) and agree amicably on the result you need. Good luck to you!

Galina:

Thank you! I hope I can handle it. I’m only 55, so I’ll hang out with my granddaughter!!! I completely agree with you, teenagers are not born difficult; they become so when they approach the child in the wrong way (I can’t convince my daughter of this). Thanks again.

• Irina :

  Hello, I read the correspondence of my 13-year-old daughter in contact in secret from her (on guard in connection with death groups and in general it was interesting), as it turned out, she has been corresponding with a young man 30 years old from Novosibirsk (2700 km from us) since November 2016, as I understand it , met somewhere in groups dedicated to games. The daughter confesses her love to him, collecting her thoughts for a long time, the daily dialogue consists of how are you? how was your day? good night or am I “depra” he writes - I’m going to go out the window!!! I’m terribly scared, I’m thinking about what to do, at first I wanted to write to him directly, but I think that he will tell her, and this is a rift with my daughter, what if I’m not without reason worried!!!

• Irina (paid consultation):

  I’m raising my daughter alone. I started smoking, she comes home late, she talks (get off, leave me alone), I start scolding her, she says I’ll leave the house. What should I do? How should I behave? Maybe I’ll push her. Tell me how to improve the relationship?

• Svetlana (sample of paid consultation):

  Hello Elena. Please help me with advice. I am the aunt of a 14-year-old teenager (his mother's younger sister). We lived in different cities, but when my sister was born, she lived with us for the first time and I nursed him. I love him very much, I always spoiled him. I tried to build a friendly relationship, he calls me by my first name. 4 months ago, my sister’s husband died, leaving the business. My sister is at her main job until five and then goes to her husband’s office and stays there until nightfall. She asked me to move in with her to help with the children and everyday life. She also has a 9-year-old son. My 8 year old daughter and I moved in with them. I got a job, my daughter went to the same class as her youngest son (she went to school a year earlier) And then he was replaced. He became aggressive. He offends the kids, calls him names, makes them do everything, but does nothing himself. In response to my comments, he told me that I was nobody to him, that he was the heir and would kick us out of their house if he wanted. I told my sister about this, but it was a very gentle conversation. The situation has not changed. The sister doesn’t notice anything, doesn’t want to listen to anything and, of course, protects him in everything. And he, feeling his mother’s support, behaves more and more indecently. I'm trying to explain to him that I'm here at the request of his mother to take care of them and help them for the first time. It seems to be listening but silent. But after a couple of days he is rude again. I don’t know what to do. I can’t leave her alone at such a moment. And I love him very much. I don’t know what approach to find, I don’t want this, I don’t like this, I don’t like this. I tried not to pay attention at all. So he generally began to treat me like a house worker, whether I cooked or ironed his clothes. I'm desperate.

  • Elena Lostkova:

    Hello Svetlana. Since your nephew has just experienced a tragedy, you need to act carefully so as not to provoke even bigger problems. 1) Do not get involved in “exchanging pleasantries” based on emotions (do not respond to rudeness with rudeness). Stop each episode of rudeness calmly but decisively. In response to rudeness and rudeness, it is better to calmly and confidently note that it is unacceptable to talk to parents and other adults in such a tone, and invite the teenager to be alone for some time to calm down. When the emotions of all participants in the conflict subside, it is necessary to discuss what exactly led to the conflict, what experiences the parents (or other family member) had as a result, how the teenager felt, and how to resolve the misunderstanding that arose. This should be the case ideally, but it does not always work out in practice. Need to try.

    Elena Lostkova:

    2) Try to avoid conflict situations. Analyze what situations provoke conflict. For example, you have prepared food and call your teenager to dinner. But he still doesn’t come. You return and begin to make claims to him: “How long can you wait?” And he responds by throwing some kind of barb at you. How can we do this differently? Perhaps it’s worth stopping at the first invitation (they came, politely invited and that’s all). And the rest (whether it will come or not) does not concern you. Perhaps you should take this position: I help my sister with housework and caring for the younger children, and raising a teenager is her task. He didn’t come to dinner, didn’t sit down for homework on time, etc. - let the sister herself conduct educational conversations with her son. You can argue that he still doesn’t listen to you, and when you start insisting, this leads to conflict. Your job is to remind the teenager once about completing the next duty (for example, “5 o’clock. It’s time to sit down for homework”) and no longer insist or control him.

    Elena Lostkova:

    3) If you need to make a remark to your nephew, also do it calmly and confidently. Not in an angry, not irritated, not offended tone, but in a calm, neutral tone. No need for long lectures. They said 1-2 phrases and left. Think in advance about what phrase you will say to him. There should be no aggression or “assault” in your tone or words. Otherwise, he will definitely want to say something offensive to you in response. For example, you could say: “Stop making little ones wash the dishes for you! Go my own way!” (with this phrase you seemed to hint that your nephew is bad and his action is bad, and even ordered him to do something). It’s better to say something neutral: “The kids have their responsibilities, you have yours. Everyone washes their own dishes” (it turned out not to be a personal appeal to a teenager, but a statement of fact). You see, in the second phrase we avoided all three unpleasant moments for a teenager that were present in the first phrase. If, nevertheless, he is rude in response, again in a calm and confident tone (without your personal emotions), answer him: “You cannot talk to adults in such a tone” (Did you notice that this phrase again simply states a fact?) or “In such a tone I won’t talk.” And leave. The main thing is not to let him drag you into a squabble. You did your job (you didn’t ignore the act or rudeness, you responded to it correctly), and leave bringing the upbringing of the teenager to the ideal for the mother. Don’t control whether he washed the dishes or not, don’t force him to fulfill his duty, and don’t tell him anything else about this particular act (if he doesn’t wash the dishes next time, reprimand him again). And even if he doesn’t come and wash the dishes after himself. It's okay, this is no longer your concern. If you still decide to wash it yourself, then do it so that your nephew does not notice it. For example, dishes that he hasn’t washed stand alone in the sink until the evening (what if he decides to check?), and after dinner you wash them with all the other dishes. Otherwise, he will decide that if he doesn’t do it, then someone will definitely do it for him.

    Elena Lostkova:

    4) What to do if a teenager asks you for help (I mean some household chores, and not something serious related to life and health)? If he asks rudely, calmly and confidently inform him that you will not fulfill a request made in such a tone. If he asks normally, help him.

    Elena Lostkova:

    5) Children always have a good sense of who can sit on the neck (the weak) and who cannot (the strong). Even at school, one teacher can be rude, but not another, as this is fraught with unpleasant consequences. Therefore, perhaps you forgave your nephew too much, when you should not have ignored any such episode of rudeness. During conflicts, do not let your teenager get emotional. Always remain calm and confident. Emotions and kindness are often perceived by children (and adults) as weakness. And calmness and self-confidence are like strength. This is how we distinguish strong people from weak ones.

    Elena Lostkova:

    6) The problem of rudeness and rudeness of teenagers faces many parents. This is due to age-related mental characteristics. Perhaps the problem existed before your arrival.

    Elena Lostkova:

    7) Pay attention to the manner of communication of your sister (in relation to you). It happens that children copy the behavior of their parents. For example, a child treats his mother the same way his father treats her. And vice versa, he communicates with dad the way mom communicates with him.

    Elena Lostkova:

    8) It is possible that you embarrassed the teenager with your arrival. Many people look forward to the departure of guests, despite the fact that these guests are loved and useful to them. Try to understand exactly what inconveniences the teenager is experiencing and try to remove those that are possible. Maybe younger children are pestering him? If your teen doesn't like it, don't let them do it. Maybe he wants to be alone in the room? Give him this opportunity at least temporarily by keeping the younger children busy with some activity in another room.

    Elena Lostkova:

    9) Try to objectively evaluate how you communicate with a teenager. What phrases do you say to him, in what tone? Remember yourself as a teenager and try to imagine whether you would like such treatment or not. Don't you treat him like a small child? Are you trying to control his actions (did he eat, did his homework, etc.). Teenagers often have conflicts with parents and other family members on this basis. Teenagers begin to rebel because they do not agree that they are still considered small and controlled in everything. Try giving him more freedom and less control. Maybe, he rebels because you took on the role of parent(which in itself involves frequent encounters with conflict situations). Maybe we should give this up? And then some of the conflict situations will simply disappear.

    Elena Lostkova:

    Elena Lostkova:

    11) It’s good if you manage to establish such trusting communication. During it, you may be able to find out the true reasons why he treats you so disrespectfully. Maybe, knowing them, you will be able to establish a relationship with him. But mom needs to try to establish such a trusting relationship. The teenager recently experienced a tragedy. Plus there is a hormonal change in the body. Plus, his life has changed a lot (his dad is no more, his mother is almost never at home, his aunt arrived with a small child). In fact, the boy lost both parents. Mom comes very late, all tired, all her attention goes to other family members (aunt, younger brother, etc.). Mom pays attention to him only when he has done something, but such conversations are hardly pleasant for both of them. The teenager was left alone, alone with his pain. There is no one to have a heart-to-heart talk with, all emotions are boiling inside, which is very bad for any person. So he just wants to be left alone, since they can’t give him what he needs. Mom urgently needs to shift her focus from work to children. I understand that this is very difficult, but it must be done. Otherwise, she only increases the burden of tragedy that has fallen on the shoulders of her children. It is necessary for the mother to spend more time with the children, and spend it pleasantly for the children: talking with them, playing, reading, going to the cinema, etc. It is necessary to express your love through touching (kissing, hugging, etc. .), but only if the children do not react negatively to this. From time to time you need to have a heart-to-heart talk with your children. Such confidential communication is the pinnacle of parenting skills. During such conversations, parents can convey to their children what was not possible before. Because at such moments, children not only listen, but also hear their parents. It would be a sin not to use them for educational purposes. You just need to structure the conversation correctly. You should completely forget about notations. It’s just that both sides should share their experiences and concerns; somewhere you need to sympathize, take pity on the child; if there are comments on his behavior, then they need to be made very carefully so as not to offend him, and you also need to explain why this is wrong from the parent’s point of view, what this can lead to, and report that the parent is very worried about this, because he is afraid that the child will get into trouble. And all this should be done sincerely, not feignedly, and not as a burden for both parties. Confidential communication is also psychological help from parents to their children. Good luck to you!

Oksana (sample of paid consultation):

Hello, Elena. My son is 18 years old, he entered a university in another city, and is a first-year student. Yesterday I found out that he missed classes, and most importantly, he lies to me that he is in the classroom, studying. And then it says that it has not found the academic building. I believe that these are just excuses, since he loves to play computer games. Now the money on his card is running out, so I’m tormented by doubts: will I do the right thing if I punish him with a ruble for the weekend? Or will it be worse? He calmly missed 4 pairs, and he’s lying to me, he doesn’t consider himself guilty

• Elena Lostkova:

  Hello, Oksana. The right thing to do would be to talk to your son frankly, but in a humane, kind way. In general, if possible, have a heart-to-heart talk with him. Find out why he misses classes, tell him about the consequences of such absenteeism and your feelings about this, about your worries that your son may have problems because he does specific things incorrectly. Try to talk in such a way that your son understands that you are worried not about the studies themselves, but about him, for his well-being, for his happiness. Tell him that the first session is very important. That not everyone passes the test in the first session, because they realize it too late and do not have time to prepare. As a result, they are either expelled, or they quit their studies before the actual session (they are afraid of exams and are confident that they will not pass them). To prevent this from happening, you need to start studying right away, literally from the first days. Of course, you know your son better, but still admit to yourself the thought that he did not play truant or did not play truant for a good reason. We can't tell our parents about everything. Perhaps there is a reason, but he doesn’t want to talk about it. Maybe he didn’t get along with his peers or with the teacher, or something else. Tell your son that if he has any problems, let him turn to you, you will try to help him. During the conversation, you can amicably agree that if the computer interferes with your studies, you will have to take it away. If he needs a computer for his studies, he will have to go to the university library and study there. Do not use any measures that are unpleasant for your son (take away the computer, deprive you of money, etc.) without prior warning. After all, your goal is to correct your son’s behavior (and not to take things away), so give him the opportunity to take action and correct himself. Warn not aggressively, but calmly, kindly, like you wouldn’t want to do this, but it may turn out that you have to. Choose your words and tone carefully. For example, you can say: “You won’t get another computer” (this is a bad option). Or you can do this: “If the computer interferes with your studies, I will have to take it away. I don’t want you to get into trouble because of him.” Now it is very important how exactly you communicate with your son: in a good way or in a bad way. When the child is nearby, he can still be forced to study. And when he is far away, how can this be done? No way. Only with the help of confidential communication, when you HEAR the child, and he HEARS you (he hears, in the sense of taking your words into account, listening to them, and not letting them pass by his ears, brains and soul). Remember how you have a heart-to-heart talk with your best friend. The conversation is pleasant for both of you, without tension. You both hear and understand each other's feelings and experiences. Your souls are open to each other at this moment. If one advises the other or asks for something, then the other, without internal resistance, is voluntarily ready to help and fulfill the request. If such communication is possible between two essentially strangers, then between the closest ones (mother and child) it is even more possible. You just need to try to establish trusting communication from the very early childhood of the child. And if this has not been done before, then try to do it at least now. Confidential communication is the most powerful educational tool (parents do not force the child, but negotiate with him in an amicable way). Such communication brings parents and child closer together. I have already talked about the advantages of communicating “in a good way”. And now I’ll tell you about the disadvantages of communicating “in a bad way” (parents force the child, use moral and physical violence against him). Such communication creates a gap between parents and child. Both sides do not understand each other and do not want to listen to the words and requests of the other side, conflicts often arise. For both parties, such communication is not comfortable. This is how difficult children and teenagers appear (this is the result of improper parenting). What do we do if communicating with someone constantly upsets us? With such a person we strive to either communicate at a minimum or not communicate at all. So it turns out that while the children are at school, they are nearby (they have no choice), and when they leave home, they forget about their parents, since communication with them was too often unpleasant (I don’t want to continue it). These are the disadvantages of communicating “in a bad way.” I don’t know how exactly you communicate with your son, so I described both options in detail. What to do is your choice. My personal opinion: try to become a FRIEND for your son (to make this happen, figure out for yourself what friends do and don’t do), combine the two roles of “mother” and “friend”. As a result, firstly, you will be able to communicate more often and better with your son at a distance. Secondly, to some extent you will be able to influence his behavior, his actions. Good luck to you!

• Maria:

  Hello, my daughter is 16 years old. She is dating a guy who is 19 years old. He is everything to her! She goes to bed when he calls her. They live with a guy in neighboring cities. He comes to her. I started leaving notes about my pregnancy like “I’m pregnant, don’t tell anyone.” I ask what is this? And she says that they joke around like that in college and it doesn’t mean anything because she’s still little. Grandma calls her and asks how are you? She tells her that I feel sick all the time. Although I know that she has her period. I start asking questions why she is doing this, she screams that grandma made it all up. He says that he lives with us out of necessity. That if I don’t like something, I can refuse it. Her friend left home and refused her mother’s social security benefits; she says that her mother yells all the time. I do not know what to do?

• Maria:

  I’ll add to the previous comment, tell me what to do in situations when my daughter offends me and my husband. Can say anything. And at the same time she accuses us of treating her badly. He doesn't notice the good, only reproaches. Her father lives in another city and did not communicate with her for a long time, settling his personal life. Her stepfather raised her like a daughter. This summer, during a conflict with her, my husband decided to stand up for me and take the phone from her, she did not give it back and had to be taken by force. Before this, the daughter called her husband dad, but now she doesn’t call him at all, she hasn’t spoken to him since the summer. She began to go to her own father and blame me for everything that was happening. I’m so tired and I’m trying to close my eyes to a lot of things, but I’m losing my temper. Please tell me a way out of the situation.

• Anonymous:

  Hello, tell me how to find a common language with a 13-year-old child, my husband is divorced, there is a second husband and a child from a second marriage, for a child I am bad, he snaps back, he wants to go to live with his dad or grandmother.

• Oksana:

  Hello, I don’t know what to do, I’ve given up, help. My 16-year-old son went to college for a very serious specialty, his choice and dream. I studied for 3 months and it started, I don’t want to go, now I want to take my documents from there altogether. We explain that you will lose a year and what will happen next. Local vocational school-AUTO MECHANIC. We tried to dissuade him as much as we could, but he didn’t care, he said he wouldn’t study at all, but would start working. We explained to him that no one now hires anyone without an education. The atmosphere at home is tense, the teachers spoke well of him, his son doesn’t smoke or drink, but we don’t understand why this adherence to principles and persistence. Everything is fine in our family, my husband and I work, our eldest daughter is married, we all relax together. And my sister and her husband said that with such an education they would take you anywhere with their hands; she didn’t want to listen.

Hello!!!
A huge request - help me find a common language with my son! He is 10 years old, goes to the pool, studies English, and studies at school during the 2nd shift.
An excellent student, but he does his homework only if his dad and I remind him. There are a lot of corrections, when you start talking about it, you start crying or arguing. All the time he is at home, he bullies his sister (2 years old) or does everything to spite me: he eats for 45 minutes, knowing that he is late for school, he says “now” to any request and leaves, he does nothing around the house, he throws everything around. If he wants to quarrel, he says: “I won’t go to the pool!” As soon as he comes home, scandals begin at home: he will find any reason to cry, especially before going to bed. He is mean to his sister, then smiles sarcastically. They began to punish him by excommunicating him from the computer - then he does nothing at all. So at least he will do something if he knows that he will play later. They began to punish me physically - with a slipper on the bottom. Like a wild one, he screams and cries, it lasts for 5 minutes, and then he does it again. My husband and I are already so exhausted - every evening there are scandals, quarrels, stress for all family members. My son had episyndrome, now they diagnose cerebrasthenic syndrome as a weakness of the nervous system. Now we take piracetam, glycine and cinarizine, and we are constantly monitored. What should we do? How to find an approach to it? Why is he still crying all the time?

The problem you described occurs, unfortunately, quite often in many families. There are several reasons for this. I will try to describe each of them that I see from the described situation.
1. Two children in the family and the ensuing jealousy of the elder towards the younger. Even adults sometimes cannot cope with jealousy.
2. Incorrect daily routine for the child. But you can’t change everything here, because... a lot is dictated by the school with the 2nd shift.
3. A blurred idea in the family about the firmness of demands, punishments and rewards for both parents and children.
4. Weakened nervous system, requiring a special approach on all counts.

Now about everything in more detail and in general.
The simplest reason for your child's constant tears is a weakened nervous system. It is because of this that it is difficult for him to control his emotions. Plus other reasons are superimposed on this. He will stop crying as he grows up. But the next period of development is just around the corner - adolescence. Therefore, action needs to be taken as early as possible.
Let's start with the basics. The basis of all education is physical, so it is immediately necessary to establish a clear daily routine. Make a routine and hang it on the wall in a visible place. All children's institutions follow a regime for a reason; this is the key to the health of any child. It is the regime that will help the child’s weak nervous system get stronger. Clearly organize your child’s day: getting up, breakfast, lunch, afternoon snack, dinner, rest, homework, sleep, activities, etc.
Create a routine that you can actually stick to. But! Never break it. Only in extreme unforeseen cases (illness, holiday, etc.). The child must clearly know how much time is allotted for this or that process. Talk to your child the day before and introduce him to the routine. That the whole family will live by it. Don't single out your son as the main reason for switching to a new regime. Thus, a certain amount of time will be allocated for eating (and other processes). Talk to your child as if you were a colleague, ask for his “help” in making all this happen. Tell him that you believe in him, that he will cope with this difficult task. If he again deliberately eats slowly, remind him of the remaining time under the new regime. Even if he doesn't make it, finish the meal at the set time (this may seem cruel) and tell him that it was a good try, that next time he will definitely manage. This will surprise the child a little, because... he will expect another usual reaction from you (a quarrel).
Change your behavior and your dad's too. Gather a family council and distribute responsibilities around the house. Everyone will have their own business. And if he is entrusted, then he is responsible. There is no need to reward him financially for this, he does it for himself. And after work you can play on the computer. Help him, it may be difficult for him to cope with something. Support him morally, believe in his strength. If she cries, cheer her up. The child should feel supported by you. This may not happen right away, because... the habit of scandal is very persistent. Better yet, do something together.
Your son lived as his only son for 8 years, and the appearance of his sister was not the most joyful event for him, because... attention and love began to be given to another little person. That's why he clings to her. Explain to him once again that you cannot live without him. That he, like everyone else, is a member of a family who cannot be without each other, like fingers on a hand. It's just that while she's little, she can't do anything on her own. And the son is the only assistant, because... Dad is working. Tell him that it’s difficult for you without him, get him to understand that you need him. But don’t oblige her in matters related to your daughter. Just sometimes ask for light help that he can do and encourage him - “what a great guy you are!” What would I do without you?" Who else but the son will teach his sister to play different games? Just a little later.
In terms of clarity of requirements. If you ask your child to do something, always finish it. If you promise something, then follow through. The child must understand the clarity of what is happening. There can be no “now and then”. Can you give a small choice (choice without choice) - will you do it now or when you finish the game in 5 minutes? Or – you need to take out the trash and water the flowers – what will you do? A child should not grow up as a “freeloader.” All household chores are done for him as well.
And after completing the tasks, you can all watch cartoons or play something together. In all the hustle and bustle of life, don't forget about free time with your children. They really miss this.
Start reminding students about lessons in advance. “Sit down for your homework in 15 minutes... Finish the game, you have 5 minutes left.” Sit down together and look together at what is assigned. Determine the order of execution. If there are a lot of corrections, enter the concept of “draft”. At least because of the laziness of rewriting, there will be an incentive to do it more carefully. Praise often and instill confidence. You will be doing homework together for a long time; it is difficult for children to control this process themselves. At least until high school for sure. But don’t create something terrible out of the lessons, don’t create disgust in the child, this is what causes scandals. Be interested in the material, what new things he learned, let him tell you while you feed your daughter or do other things. Show interest in more than just his grades. Move away from the phrases “you scribbled here again”, “how many times can you make the same mistakes” to another “well done, this is better, but next time try...”, “you see, you and I knew that you could do it” .
Regarding the mischief with my sister, this will not go away right away. Again, develop the right attitude. Tell him that he is a role model, like an older brother. Future man and protector!
Regarding punishments. Just some advice. Physical punishment supersedes all others. They started beating him, which means that words will cease to be effective for him. Try to get rid of it. Negotiate, even if it takes time. Physical punishment is humiliation; pain is not the only thing that causes resentment.
Question about the pool. Does he like these classes, and only during periods of quarrel does he not want to go there?
Create some kind of family ritual in the evenings. This could be reading a book. This will avoid tears at night, because... at this time you will read. And after reading, all you have to do is close your eyes.
Dear Mom! Good for you for wanting to change this. But this requires a lot of patience and time. If you decide to change something, follow through. Remember that a son, like everyone else, is an equal member of the family.
If you have any questions, ask. Please note that it is difficult to answer 100% based on the description only on the Internet. Many important factors remain outside of online communication. Perhaps you are already trying to do something, don’t give up. Raising a child is a very difficult process. And not everyone manages to achieve a decent result! You are a brave person!